We open with Whitney and Lauren folding clothes together at People’s Revolution, where they work together. Aw, it’s just like our favorite song from The Muppets Take Manhattan! “Together again. Gee, it’s good to be together again!” And Whitney can be long-haired Janice, and Lauren is Miss Piggy. (C’mon, you were thinking it.) They discuss how Lauren is mad that Audrina let Heidi into their apartment, and Lauren, as always, manages to make her selfishness sound like martyrdom: “It’s both of our homes. At the same time, it’s my home as well, and I don’t want people in there that I don’t get along with!” Ohhhh, can we feel the rain on our skin tonight!
The girls are going out to Goa, and Audrina’s picking out clothes with Lo and Lauren. Audrina feels like she’s worn everything in her closet already, and, by everything, she means every single shirt that plunges enough to show us an uncomfortably large amount of her never-ending cleavage. Put them away, Audrina! Please! Lauren informs Audrina that the Philip Lim dress she has in green now comes in white. Good to know, L.C.! Is the purpose of this scene to show that Lauren knows something about fashion? We’ve seen her clothing line; there’s no fooling us, gang. And now Lauren announces that she got an A+ in computer class! Since she never seemed to go, never did her work, and she talked to Stephanie throughout the lectures, we’re going to guess that maybe the computer class requirement in fashion school is a joke. Don’t worry, Lauren, we took Astronomy for a math credit — we’re not judging. Lo associates the computer class with Stephanie and wonders if maybe she’ll be coming out with them tonight and bringing Heidi. This leaves Lauren and Audrina staring awkwardly into space, as they lately have very different opinions on Heidi. Roommate tension!
We cut to Stephanie and Heidi, who are also picking out clothes for the evening. Oh, the irony. Two groups of girls who hate each other so much, yet are so, so similar. Heidi tells Stephanie that she finally wants to have a girls’ night out. Wait, hasn’t Heidi had, like, twelve girls’ nights out in the past three episodes? Whatever: Heidi thinks that maybe things between her and Lauren will be okay now that she’s not with Spencer, and, um, we have a feeling that Lauren’s still going to hate Heidi, regardless. Meanwhile, Stephanie has an unfortunately prominent middle part in this scene, and it’s distracting us from Heidi’s stupidity. We’re not sure if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.
We transition to the club: Stephanie and Heidi are sitting in one area, and Lauren, Lo, and Audrina are in another. We’re prepared for a showdown, BUT WAIT! Stephanie (or is it Heidi?) sees JUSTIN BOBBY at the bar! Lauren comes back from the bathroom and tells Audrina this story, word for word:
I totally, like, bumped into a guy over there, and I thought that I knew him and I was like, “Hey,” and he was like, “Hey,” and I was like, “I don’t know you!”
What the hell? Nevertheless, Audrina bursts out laughing at this, and it’s true that if Audrina’s good for one thing, it’s being a good audience. Girl will laugh at ANYTHING. Audrina learns about the Justin Bobby sighting and is upset by the news, as she’s still trying to get over him (really, Audrina? Really?). Meanwhile, Lauren sees Heidi at Audrina’s table and glares. She and Lo go back there and sit down, and it’s really tense. Then Heidi says to Audrina, “I think I’m going to go, it’s pretty clear Lauren doesn’t want to be friends with you.” And, WHAT! That is the best slip of the tongue we’ve ever heard! Heidi obviously meant that Lauren doesn’t want to be friend with her, but she just brilliantly planted the seed inside Audrina’s head that Lauren hates her. (Which she actually does, but that’s beside the point.) And then, wait for it, people…JUSTIN BOBBY APPROACHES THE GIRLS! In a fedora! He sits down and starts chatting with Heidi and Audrina; Lauren and Lo finally leave, annoyed.
Then there’s some worthless scene with Heidi and Stephanie, in which they decide that things are still weird with Lauren. Well, duh. Lo and Lauren talk more about living together when Lauren’s lease is up, and it’s clear that Lo doesn’t want Audrina to live with them. Ha, Lo! You’re the best.
Audrina and Justin Bobby go on a date to “catch up,” and by “catch up,” we mean “catch STDs.” They are both just as idiotic as ever, and J.B. talks about how he doesn’t shower. Then they, presumably, go off to have sex. Afterwards, Audrina and Lauren have a not-so-friendly recap of Audrina’s date, in which Lauren judges and Audrina…does whatever Audrina always does (nothing?). Audrina tells Lauren that it’s great to have Heidi back as a friend, and Lauren seems stung by this.
Then Spencer, in his first appearance of the episode, acts douche-y while sitting on Stephanie’s couch! Big surprise.
Okay, finally finishing up, we end at a lunch with Lo and Lauren, in which they talk shit about not wanting Audrina move in with them. Lauren is wearing a horrible pink hat, and Lo is wearing a horrible white headband. In the middle of their shit-talking, Audrina shows up to the lunch. Who knew she was invited! Tricky Hills producers. And then what ensues is the most painful scene we’ve ever witnessed on this show: First, Lo attacks Audrina about Justin Bobby. Then, out of nowhere, they tell her they’ve already been looking for a house and ask her if she wants to live with them, but in a way in which it’s clear that they don’t want her to. This is so, so mean. Lo, we take back that you’re the best — you are a bitch! Audrina says she’s “open” to living with them, but her eyes are dead. We just want to cry and cry for her. You can live with us, Audrina! Sad.
Next week, Stephen Coletti! He’s not looking as good as he did in high school, but he’s still pretty damn hot.
And now, it’s time for our Unequivocal Hills Reality Index:
Faker than Heidi’s boobs:
• Heidi’s “hope” to reconcile with Lauren. The Heid-ster knows they’re never going to be friends, but she has to keep her reality-TV-star dreams alive, somehow.
• Lauren’s A+ in computer class. Lauren has never gotten an A+ in anything, ever.
• Justin Bobby just happening to show up.
As real as Lauren is awkward:
• Lo’s bitchiness; all real. Okay, we admit, Audrina is really, really stupid. But give the poor girl a break! She can’t fight back!
• Spencer’s indolence. We actually believe that he hasn’t gotten up from Stephanie’s couch for three weeks. Like, not even to go to the bathroom.
• Justin Bobby’s hat.
—Emma Rosenblum
