The fuccboi might seem like a modern invention, a byproduct of the era of Gucci pool slides and iPhones. But the fundamental fuccboi values — the fuccboi’s love of playing games, of casual hookups, of intermittent communication, and of every trend on Kanye’s back — are timeless, relevant even, in the medieval-ish period of Game of Thrones. In this universe, there are fuccbois to the north, to the south, to the east, to the west, throughout the seven kingdoms and beyond the wall. And so we must ask ourselves: Who in Westeros would be most likely to slide into your DMs? In order to answer this pressing question, we’ve rounded up the ten most notable ones in Game of Thrones history, alive or dead, and ranked them from least to most likely to request nudes:
10. King of the White Walkers: An icy heart, a lethal touch, a highly stylized and considered lewk plus the ability to fuck everybody’s shit up without even really trying? Yeah. He’s a fuccboi.
9. Khal Drogo: At first glance, Khal Drogo could easily seem like Khal of the fuccbois: He’s incredibly handsome and before exalting Daenerys as his sun-and-stars Khaleesi, he treated his bride as a glorified booty call and sex object. However, his vaguely tribal tattoos, beautiful glistening muscles, and unwillingness to explore shirts edge him away from “fuccboi” and into unenlightened cross-fit-bro territory.
8. Tyrion Lannister: Remember when Tyrion was a womanizing wino? Those were fun seasons, but they also established Tyrion as the guy you pick up at last-call even though he is clearly working through some major stuff. Considering his daddy issues were so deeply entrenched that he ended up choking his former lover Shae in season four, you know there was no way he was emotionally stable enough for commitment. However, he has been redeemed over the past three seasons — it’s like he went to the best therapist in Westeros and came out transformed.
7. Jon Snow: Jon Snow has a man bun and that certain aloof, brooding manner which makes you think he would probably text you plaintive Drake lyrics at 4:00 a.m. but then not respond when you ask him to go to a movie on Sunday evening, even though his read receipts indicate he has received the invitation. And that’s not it for his fuccboi characteristics: He seems to avoid confrontation like it’s a White Walker. He hid his relationship with Ygritte from his Night’s Watch brethren, but totally broke brethren code when it was time to get ass. Despite all that, there’s something very respectful about Jon Snow. He seems like he’s too afraid of being disliked to go full fuccboi — also, let’s be real, his legendarily small penis probably keeps him in line.
6. Jorah Mormant: While he seems like a faithful servant of the Queen Daenerys Targaryen, he’s also a little emotionally manipulative. He’s so obsessed with this thing he can’t have, but never came clean about his initial sins (spying on her for Robert Baratheon) until he was absolutely forced to and then was shocked when he got in trouble. Thank God Daenerys does what we should do with all the fuccbois we know: Banish them until they really earn our trust again — or are dying from Greyscale.
5. Ramsay Snow: So, he has certain hallmark fuccboi qualities: a disregard for human emotions, an innate skill and demonstrated joy in manipulation and mind games. He’s very high on the list, but the gleeful murders push him into sociopath territory and lock him out of the top five.
4. Daario Naharis: Listen, you don’t have an ass like that and swagger like that and claim, “I’m not a fuccboi.” Daario is the best kind of fuccboi because he’s comfortable naked, so he’d trade nudes for nudes. But he’s the worst kind, because he totally brags about his sexual exploits to lesser fuccbois, like Jorah. Previously, Daario would have made the top three, but occasionally ladies can be fuccbois, too. Remember when Dany was all like “Oh Daario, I’m so into you and your fine butt and even though it breaks my heart, I’m doing you such a favor by leaving you behind to keep the peace in the Bay of Dragons” when really she was just off to find her next boy toy? Daario sure does.
3. Euron Greyjoy: Like, does he even like Cersei? He’s coming on so strong with the ships and the promises to kill and pillage in her honor, but you know if he lives long enough to marry her, he’s just going to — well, it’s Game of Thrones, so he’ll probably poison her to take the throne. But the point is that his ardent pursuit is in no way sincere. The grand gesture is all about ego fulfillment. It’s about the chase. Also, as previously discussed, he loves some fuccboi-chic. This man would kill his own niece for some Virgil Abloh — you think it’s about ruling but really it’s about that Off White AW 2017.
2. Petyr Baelish a.k.a. Littlefinger: This freakin’ guy. All of his monologues are just mansplanations of royal subterfuge and shady politics and how good he is at understanding them. He’s always talking out of both sides of his mouth, you know? You can never trust a damn thing he says, even as he’s pledging his undying loyalty. He was also literally a pimp and married his crush’s sister, then killed her, then started pursuing her teenage daughter. It’s next level.
1. Oberyn Martell: Sartorial flair aside — did I see Oberyn at the Opening Ceremony sample sale? Feels like I could have — it’s his infamous and enormous, insatiable sexual appetite that earns him a spot on this list. Even though the love of his life is Ellaria Sand, he won’t actually call her his wife, and he’s known for having slept with “half of Westeros,” according to a comment by a minor character on the show. You’d absolutely find him on Feeld (a.k.a. Thrinder) or skulking on Tinder with an “open relationship” in his profile. What earns Oberyn the number-one spot on this list? The fact that his dick-swinging ego is what finally got him killed during his battle with the Mountain. He died as he lived, a total fuccboi.
Congratulations, Oberyn, your limited-edition White Walker X Nikes are on their way to you in heaven.
