horny week forever

Remember the Horny Beto Tweet?

Beto O'Rourke.
“A horny tweet for every American.” Photo: Matt Winkelmeyer/Getty Images

The day before he officially announced that he’s running for president, Texas congressman Beto O’Rourke appeared in a splashy Vanity Fair cover story. “I want to be in it,” he proclaimed, of the 2020 race. “Man, I’m just born to be in it.”

As I read those words, and looked at pictures of his despondent black lab, Artemis, and realized we have 19 months to go until the election, I felt the life force rapidly draining from my body. But then I was revived again, when I remembered a missive from a slightly simpler time. It was November 2018. The approximately 46 Democratic candidates plus the billionaire coffee CEO running for president had yet to announce. It was all rampant speculation back then — and one incredibly horny tweet.

“Ojeda and Avenatti as candidates are like the guy who thinks good sex is pumping away while you’re making a grocery list in your head wondering when he’ll be done,” it read. “O’Rourke is like the guy who is all sweet and nerdy but holds you down and makes you cum until your calves cramp.”

It was a beautiful, bonkers sentiment by a middle-aged woman who I disagreed with on most levels, but I still took great pleasure in watching it go viral. The news cycle ended a few days later, and I missed it terribly.

Ojeda has already ended his campaign and Aventti’s never started, but when Beto finally did announce, in a video where his wife sits next to him silently for three minutes straight, I realized two things: 1) His voice sounds alarmingly like the Elizabeth Holmes’s fake voice and 2) I still miss the horny Beto tweet!!!

I miss it so much that I’ve been having phantom calf cramps. Every time I reread it, I careen through several emotions: shock, aversion, acceptance, serenity. I want someone to pry my eyes open like in that Clockwork Orange scene and make me look at the words “cum until your calves cramp” for 24 hours straight. It’s a dementedly filthy post for a public space, and most private ones too. It also has tension, voice, and passion — which is more than you can say about Beto’s own blog posts about running or eating Mexican food for dinner or calling his wife while she’s driving.

Now, does a middle-of-the-road junior congressman who lost to Ted Cruz really have that much to offer in this race? Wouldn’t the better strategic move be to just stay in Texas and run against John Cornyn for Senate? And besides the calf cramping, exactly how many people have told him he’s special?

In any case, we’ll likely be getting at least another year of horny tweets. But none will ever top the original author, whom I hope continues to live her ribald truth.

Because there’s only one certainty when it comes to 2020: Horny Beto Tweet, you were born to be in it.

Remember the Horny Beto Tweet?