Have you checked your group chat today? If so, did you find your friends had flooded it with demands that Andy Samberg run them over with a Mack truck, immediately? Did you feel shocked, if not necessarily appalled, at such an aggressive outpouring of horniness from a group of typically level-headed people? Have you wondered what in the hell came over them, what kinda lusty fuel could have ignited this unexpected sexual firestorm?
Allow me to unmask the unlikely culprit: This photo the 40-year-old comedian posted to Twitter, a casual promotion for his television series, Brooklyn Nine-Nine. Samberg stands, arms akimbo, in a nondescript living room (his?), bespectacled and slightly smirking. He wears a Simpsons-spoof T-shirt, a design by his friend Jorma. (Presumably Taccone, another third of the Lonely Island comedic trio.) His face is bearded and his hair is slightly rumpled and only one of his sleeves is rolled. All these disparate details, unremarkable on their own, come together to form a distinctly horny whole.
Take it in, take it all in:
Do you see it, that ineffable je ne sais quoi? Is it working for you? If not, sorry but cheese stands alone. This photo has unleashed a horniness epidemic the likes of which we have not seen since those photos of Kerri Russel and Adam Driver steamrolled us with sex appeal. See:
Everybody (well, mostly) wants it! I’m sorry but it’s true!
This photo oozes horny from its every pore and yet I am hard-pressed to say why, exactly, it excites such widespread and unadulterated passion. How to distill down the essence of its horndog-inducing powers?
Some have suggested that the special sauce lies in the “doting boyfriend energy” exemplified by Samberg’s unruly bedhead. This is a look made for “Sunday morning farmer’s markets,” with high notes of dadliness and affability, plus a suggestion of snacks to come.
But also, he fucks.
Nothing to see here, just pure “chaotic good.”
Well, actually, there’s a lot more to see here, because the tweets simply will not stop. But if I may presume to throw in my own two cents, it’s the chaotic good that gets me, too. I cannot claim to be immune to this photo’s charms, and as best I can tell, it’s the whiff of casual mischief emanating from an alert, interested face that gets me. He is clearly up to something, but the something is non-threatening, and furthermore it throws off a confident-yet-gentle sass. (Very appealing.) I know we all used this term more or less to death, but I am fairly sure that if you look up “Big Dick Energy” in Merriam-Webster’s dictionary, you will find this photo sitting alongside the entry. Go, see if I’m right. Andy will still be here for you when you get back.
