As we watched the parade of sob stories and screeching girls on Wednesday night’s premiere of America’s Next Top Model, it got us all misty and nostalgic for the knuckleheads of yore. How much more poetic if Tyra Banks had used her tenth — tenth! — cycle to celebrate the nutjobs who got her there? We’re craving a free-for-all with the very best of the bad, bad lots who have passed through ANTM’s moderately helpful halls. Imagine the shenanigans if these twelve has-beens became wannabes once more, with an epic, all-star cast:
Amanda, Cycle 3: We will never forget Amanda’s earth-shattering announcement that she’s blind — well, mostly blind. Fine, just sort of blind. And only at night. It was a perfectly overblown moment from a perfectly batty contestant, who alternately wept for nature’s small glories and sang about Eva Pigford being a bitch. Imagine the crazy if she’s ACTUALLY blind now.
Brittany, Cycle 4: Brittany was a five-star party animal: She mooned, table-danced, almost got the girls mauled by a lion, and two-fisted martinis at a Cover Girl party. Naturally, after making her dial it down, the judges cut her for not having enough personality. We demand a recount.
Elyse, Cycle 1: The med student turned model may not need a second shot — she works a lot in Asia — but we’re hankering for more of Elyse’s frank, cranky confessionals. She called Miss J a “shit slice” before he was even a judge; cue fireworks the first time her picture makes him bang his head on the table.
Heather, Cycle 9: The gorgeous, gawky girl with Asperger’s gracefully handled her awful cast mates ostracizing her for being “weird.” We spent her entire cycle wanting to hug her. Fortunately, this would be easier: Any girls in this ultimate group calling Heather weird would be struck by lightning two seconds later.
Jade, Cycle 6: Too old to compete, too crazy to ignore: Jade is the cream of this show’s deluded crop. Remember her in-house rampage with panties on her head? The beat poetry? That dragalicious Cover Girl ad? The hideous aging-poodle-style makeover with shockingly fierce pictures? Jade once told housemate Furonda, “One day I’m going to write a book, and you should read it, because you might learn something.” Please, God, if ANTM won’t have her back, just publish that book.
Kelle, Cycle 3: Of the many spirits the judges have broken, we felt the saddest for Kelle — who, after a particularly rough photo, emotionally announced she was coming to terms with her snout. Face it: You’re dying to know if any girl can actually do that.
Kahlen, Cycle 4: Kahlen lost to charisma-vacuum Naima and fell prey to one of Top Model’s worst, rattiest weaves — which is saying something. Tyra owes her another chance on both accounts.
Lisa, Cycle 5: Lisa actually peed into an adult diaper during a photo shoot. Need we say more?
Natasha, Cycle 8: This Russian lass barely spoke English, interpreted every criticism as a compliment, and wrapped gold foil around her teeth to play a douche bag-pimp in a photo shoot. But we mostly want her back to find out if she was, in fact, a mail-order bride.
Shandi, Cycle 2: You may remember her as the contestant whose boyfriend’s reaction to her on-the-job infidelity was to squeal, “YOU HAD SEX?” in a tone so high we wondered if the news actually caused his balls to fall off. We remember her as the token Ugly Duckling Just Because She Wears Glasses who, rumor has it, is back working at Walgreens. Rescue her, Tyra.
Toccara, Cycle 3: Plus-size girls suffer on this show — they’re either not toned enough, or losing weight and drifting into the dreaded “too fat to be a regular model, not fat enough to be plus-size” netherworld that the rest of us inhabit. Toccara was the feistiest of these doomed souls, and she kept a rotisserie chicken under her bed. Our kind of girl.
Wholahay, Cycle 7: Her real name is … who cares? When she picked Wholahay as her Official Model Nickname, she obliterated her old identity. We just want to say “Wholahay” again and again, as often as possible — try it; it’s fun! — while daydreaming of the first time she throws Jade into the pool. —The Fug Girls
All photos courtesy CW.
More Fug Girls: Come back on Sunday for an Oscar red carpet liveblog.