Thank fugging God: The nausea and shakes we were experiencing at the thought of being denied the Oscars this year has finally given way to the nausea and excitement at having our Academy Awards fashion dreams — and, hopefully, nightmares — granted anew. Will Ellen Page bring out the Converse, thereby tragically dooming herself to becoming the Cybill Shepherd of her generation? Will Ruby Dee and Javier Bardem lock eyes across the red carpet and kick off a torrid love affair for the ages? Will Clooney show up wearing a potted plant as a hat? (Likely.) Join us, as we bask in the healing glow of Ryan Seacrest’s delicious veneers, and find out.
6:02 p.m.: What is Seacrest wearing? Clearly, his somber black/brown/brown-black suit is a statement about how tragic it is that we managed to wrest the ceremony from the jaws of cancellation and it had to go and rain. Maybe we will text him and ask.
6:09 p.m.: Giuliana Rancic makes her first appearance in a lavender dress with what looks like a bejeweled guitar strap going down her front. She and Ryan blather to cover their lack of chemistry. Joan and Melissa Rivers they are not.
6:11 p.m.: Kimora Lee Simmons seems to have replaced Jay Manuel alongside Giuliana, which is an ironic reverse Top Model switcheroo. No one interesting is there yet, so Kimora prattles about how celebrities are all fatter this year because they’re all having babies — no, seriously, she is — and looks drag-queen-esque herself in an enormous black dress that evokes nothing so much as witch’s robes. She is also wearing a million-dollar hair jewel, which she claims is the most expensive one ever made. Please God, can someone show up soon? Despite how crazy she OUGHT to be, Kimora is just not that interesting.
6:19 p.m.: Is that…? Yes, that was the back of Clooney’s head. We’d know that noggin anywhere. Because Seacrest doesn’t have Cloons, he’s….talking about bologna? And the exact color of the carpet? We don’t know.
6:21 p.m.: It just occurred to us that, thanks to the bad weather in Los Angeles, it’s entirely possible someone could get hit by lightning on the red carpet. We nominate Katherine Heigl, just because.
6:22 p.m.: Ryan has Seal and Heidi Klum. It’s not shocking to note that Heidi Klum is very pretty. She tells Ryan that she is not wearing a bra; her custom Galliano and its unusual high collar work nicely with her shape and coloring, so thumbs-up on that. But mid-interview, like any sensible woman would, she totally tunes Seacrest out to try and get a squizz of Clooney, then coyly admits what she was doing — this, RIGHT after claiming she wasn’t excited to see anyone except her husband Seal. Sure, lady.
6:27 p.m.: After the break, Ryan has Amy Ryan, who looks very sleek and chic in Calvin Klein. As she chats about Ben Affleck, the camera cuts to Kristen Chenoweth, whom one of us briefly mistakes for…Charlize Theron. Because one of us is totally blind.
6:28 p.m.: The two Ryans, Amy and Seacrest, yak about how Clint Eastwood taught her to throw a movie punch on her next project. He asks her to demonstrate, and when she balks because she’s afraid she”ll clock him for real, he cracks, “Blood is good, we’re on cable! People would love to see me bleed, trust me.” Score two for Seacrest — one for the joke, and one because it’s not entirely inaccurate.
6:30 p.m.: Not to spread dirty rumors, but did Giuliana get her boobs done? They’re looking rather robust under her guitar strap. Or maybe she’s knocked up? What other rumors can we start? Maybe she’s brought Hostess Snoballs into the Kodak in her bra.
6:33 p.m.: Ryan chats up Jillian Reynolds (née Barberie), who is pretending to be giving a weather report, but is actually just there to flaunt her Dolce & Gabbana animal-print gown — which befits the Cougar air we imagine her to have. Snore. This is all filler and rehashings of people we’ve already seen.
6:35 p.m.: Kimora has little love for Heidi Klum’s gown, although her chief objection is the accessories. We suspect she’s just jealous that Heidi’s reality show is successful, while nobody remembers that Kimora ever had one — but, we have to say, we’re happy Kimora isn’t being a boring yes-person fawning all over everyone.
6:39 p.m.: Not to be all technically nerdy, but E!’s camera angles are terrible. They seem solely focused on the top of everyone’s head. That’s fine when Ryan is talking to nominee Tom Wilkinson — we can safely assume that he’s wearing pants — but when he’s with ladies who have long gowns and trains, it makes for a very unsatisfying ogling experience. Wilkinson seemed very cheerful about the fact that Seacrest cared less about his Supporting Actor nod than about asking what it was like to work with George Clooney. That’s our Ryan, always getting to the heart of what people really want to know.
6:44 p.m.: AT LAST WE HAVE CLOONEY. Sarah Larson looks a bit nervous, standing by her man. It’s hard to tell what she’s wearing, but pastels seem to be involved. Cloones looks as charming and dapper as ever. We are, as you may have heard, rather biased.
6:45 p.m.: Anne Hathaway has arrived in a red dress that we suspect might be Marchesa. Drinks on us, if we’re wrong.
6:46 p.m.: Seacrest is SO FIXATED on George that he drags Jason Bateman into it, spending the first few minutes of his interview with the Juno star talking about Clooney’s hair. “It’s amazing how real it looks, isn’t it? … You can see the netting,” Bateman said gamely. Then he got us all het up about the prospect of an Arrested Development movie, to which he said “all the adults” have agreed to in principle. Clearly George Michael is the holdout, but — wait for it — you gotta have faith. Too soon for the puns? Leave us alone!
6:49 p.m.: Giuliana and Kimora love Anne Hathaway’s dress, correctly noting that it’s way better than the heinous butt-bow travesty she modeled last year.
6:53 p.m.: Ryan can’t grasp the concept of Anne Hathaway’s boyfriend’s Italian name, as is apt for the host of E! News Whatever-It’s-Called. Anne’s dress IS Marchesa. We feel so proud (and maybe a bit drunk). There’s something about Hathaway that always comes off so condescending during these things, like she’s just there to do someone a favor and would rather be home translating Greek.
6:56 p.m.: Ryan has Saorise Ronan — wearing Alberta Ferretti — and she is just the cutest thing. The camerawork is still terrible. At one point, on the high-up angle, only the bottom half of Ryan’s head made it into the shot. But Ronan’s green dress at first look seems perfect — great color, understated but glamorous, exactly the way to do the Oscars when you’re a teenager and the year’s youngest nominee.
6:57 p.m.: Blah blah blah, stuff about Clooney bringing a date to the Oscars and how that makes history, and whether they’re going to get married… and while they’re saying, “But LOOK HOW HANDSOME HE IS,” and discussing whether any woman can pin him down, the camera is on John Travolta. Who is married. And not George Clooney.
6:59 p.m.: BIG NEWS: Daniel Day-Lewis has shown up looking hot, rather than like a lumberjack. The feeling of relief washing over the nation is palpable.
7:01 p.m.: Meanwhile, on ABC, Barbara Walters is wearing a tunic. We thought you should know.
7:01:20 p.m.: A segment in which Ryan asks Steve Carell a question a viewer intended him to ask Ellen Page — something about whether playing a pregnant teen kicked her biological clock into gear — falls deathly flat. Carell manages a crack about being hormonal, but clearly just wants to run inside away from all the attention.
7:03 p.m.: Seriously, Seacrest will not stop ordering his cameraman to shoot stuff that either involves his crew, or his crotch, or what someone else’s crew member is doing near his crotch. This is not a part of Ryan Seacrest that we consider up for public consumption.
7:05 p.m.: Seacrest basically shoves John Travolta aside to talk to the Rock — excuse us, “Dwayne Johnson.” We would have done the same. He looks super dapper, and has not brought a date (Ryan doesn’t seem to know that the Rock is recently divorced). We totally would have gone to the Oscars with the Rock!
7:07 p.m.: James McAvoy and wife Anne Marie Duff make up that their next project is to work together on a silent film that is somehow also a musical. They are running rings of charm around Ryan, who is sweating profusely (we know this because he decided to clue us in to the rain happening on his forehead as well as outside). Meanwhile, Seth Rogen — who thoughtfully cleaned up neither his hair nor his facial scruff for this momentous occasion — has a date with some serious cleavage. Nothing against Rogen, whom we love, but it’s a mad, mad world indeed when the Rock is flying solo and Seth Rogen’s got arm candy with boobs for miles?
7:11 p.m.: Amy Adams arrives in what we think is a dark green strapless number by Proenza Schouler, whose name she almost butchers. We’d ding her for this, but we might have been accidentally saying it wrong until they did those Target ads last year ourselves.
7:15 p.m.: OH MY GOD, GARY BUSEY IS ON A RAMPAGE. He’s called out Seacrest right at the beginning of his interview with Laura Linney and Jennifer Garner. “What did I do?” Seacrest asks, while the girls look taken aback. “It’s what you DIDN’T DO,” Busey growls. Ryan gets a minute with Linney to talk about her dress before Busey storms into the shot, congratulates her, and then introduces himself to Garner by way of smooching her on the neck. While Seacrest tries to play it off, Garner appeared afraid that Busey might have nibbled on her jugular and they all crack, with tense jaws, “Where’s Ben Affleck right now? We could use him.” It blows their interview because everyone just wants to run away, and, in fact, Linney successfully extracts Garner as Seacrest turns to his people and mutters that he has no idea how to explain what just happened. He then has to basically shove Busey out of the way to chat up Seth Rogen and Jonah Hill. Our big question is this: How did Gary Busey even get into the Oscars?
7:20 p.m.: Ryan, Kimora and Giuliana discuss The Gary Busey Incident. Ryan actually seems mildly freaked out still. “It was an interesting and compelling incident that I’m sure will be replayed,” he says, probably still trembling at the knees. We agree. It may also come in handy if there’s any kind of criminal trial. The girls then take a moment to talk fashion. Kimora thinks everyone looks totally boring.
7:25 p.m.: Julian Schnabel, a.k.a. Most Likely To Show Up In His Pajamas, appears to be wearing proper clothes.
7:26 p.m.: Keri Russell drops the ball on pimping the designer of her dress — unless we are deaf to anything that doesn’t involve the words “Gary” and “Busey” — and then fields a video question from a young viewer who wants to know if you ever have to use math in real life. We know a couple tuxedoed accountants inside the Kodak who could rock his world right about now.
7:31 p.m.: Ryan chats up Helen Mirren, the hottest sixtysomething in the world. She tells him that she’s knitted a little scarf for her Oscar, which we actually sort of believe.
7:33 p.m.: We finally get a glimpse of Cameron Diaz, who appears to be wearing THE EXACT SAME DRESS she wore last year, except in a very light pink. It’s not great.
7:34 p.m.: Jessica Alba is wearing Marchesa as well, in a plum color straight from the duo’s fall ‘08 show. Ryan decides to ask her tasteful questions about whether she’s going to breast-feed her spawn, which Alba stiffly answers and then hustles her way out of there.
7:36 p.m.: Cameron Diaz gets a turn with Ryan, and — how to say this politely? — she REALLY should have worn some foundation. And some lipstick. And done her hair. And worn something else. Or stayed home.
7:39 p.m.: Giuliana just used the word “jamming.” That was awkward. She and Kimora think Cameron’s body looks amazing, and while we have no doubt that Cameron’s body actually IS amazing, the dress doesn’t fit that well as far as we can tell.
7:38 p.m.: Marion Cotillard is cheating on Karl Lagerfeld with Jean Paul Gaultier. Scandale! Her dress is sort of reminiscent of fish scales. We’re not sure how we feel about it. We need to see more of it, E! camera people! Until we get a decent gander at the thing, we are officially withholding judgment.
7:40 p.m.: Tilda Swinton is wearing a sort of half-sack/half-shift and doing her usual androgynous thing. She’s hard to judge, because it would be so weird and awkward if she showed up wearing, like, a pink ruffled gown, but at the same time…sack-shift, you know? Try a LITTLE harder. At least get your sack-shift in color.
7:46 p.m.: We all agree — “all” being us, Kimora, and Giuliana, gal pals that we are — that Jennifer Hudson’s boob-hugging white dress is a huge improvement over the disastrous gold bolero and brown dress that André Leon Talley made her wear last year. Kimora is a bit more roundabout in her criticism of “[her] friend André” but we can hear between the lines. We’re magic.
7:49 p.m.: We literally gasp at Ellen Page’s black shapeless floor-length salute to Maude. We may, in fact, have chorused, “OH HONEY.” The thing has a vintage look to it — and may, in fact, be vintage, for all we know — but just because it’s vintage doesn’t make it any good. We are kind of speechless, actually. Is this a giant F.U. to the Establishment, or is she just shy and trying to slip under the radar? Either way, she loses.
7:51 p.m.: Ryan gets Hilary Swank who is wearing a black Versace, which is pretty, but SNOOOOOORE. Why so much black, Hollywood? Are we supposed to be depressed about something?
7:54 p.m.: Viggo Mortensen looks fairly respectable and sharp in a classic suit, especially considering that the last time we saw him, he appeared to have come straight from the set of the Western he’s filming. Seth Rogen could take a lesson here on how to have crazy facial hair and still manage to look dashing.
7:57 p.m.: Katherine Heigl, in the boring version of Anne Hathaway’s red dress, continues her Complaining About Her Husband Newlywed Tour. We imagine he’s as eager as we are, at this point, for her to shut her piehole.
7:59 p.m.: See ya, Ryan! Time to switch over to ABC.
8:01 p.m.: REGIS! Oh, honey, but be careful about saying, “It’s The Big One,” when you’re in Los Angeles — on the West Coast that means we’re all going to die.
8:05 p.m.: We forgot how boring the ABC show is. We need a little Busey up in here. Regis could take him.
8:08 p.m.: Samantha Harris talks to Travolta and Kelly Preston, slurring Preston’s introduction so that it sounded like “his wife-actress,” rather than “his wife who is also an actress.” Kelly could NOT be more bored by the goings-on; even Travolta’s buzz cut seems uninspired, although it’s better than most of his wigs.
8:09 p.m.: Regis makes a Joan Rivers–style name-related-gaffe and refers to Philip Seymour Hoffman as “Seymour Hoffman.” If only she were co-hosting. THAT would be a show.
8:12 p.m.: Jennifer Garner looks truly lovely, but we’re fixating on the fact that she’s not with Ben Affleck. What gives, people? Why can’t you be seen in public together? Please don’t get a divorce, because we need you to breed some more adorable babies. Surely Ben’s there to support Casey and Amy Ryan. Maybe he just didn’t want to hear Garner lavish praise on her stylist, ironed-out waif Rachel Zoe, although we have to give Zoe props for generally doing a great job on Garner.
8:14 p.m.: Apparently Daniel Day-Lewis and wife Rebecca Miller are contractually obligated never to look sane at the same time. He’s in a suit, and she’s in a gown with red ribbon sleeves and a gargantuan black… “blingy thing” is the only way we can describe it, and it’s on the bodice. The whole thing looks heavy, and as if she found it this morning in a cheap accessories store at the Beverly Center.
8:17 p.m.: Regis talks to fans on the red carpet who are contest winners. We’re excited for them, but at the same time, we desperately need someone to cut to Renée Zellweger again so we can cry over the fact that she still hasn’t grown out her wretched haircut.
8:21 p.m.: Shaun Robinson brings Ellen Page back onto her screen. Apparently she just turned 21, and being of legal age to booze it up in the U.S.A. may explain her horrible dress choice. She’s so cute and smart; why does she have to wear something so shapeless and bland? Shaun, of course, doesn’t ask her this. Poor journalism!
8:23 p.m.: Hilary Swank had nothing interesting to say here. We just thought we’d let you know.
8:24 p.m.: Regis is backstage with the extras who will appear when the songs from Enchanted are performed. He’s giving it his all — we are suckers for the gusto Reege brings to everything he does — but with six minutes to go, it’s clearly all fluff because everyone good is inside ousting the seat fillers from their berths.
8:26 p.m.: Shaun/Samantha split-screen for no good reason other than… no, wait, we still don’t have one.
8:30 p.m.: Regis wraps it up with an impromptu chit-chat with Jack Nicholson in the front row of the Kodak. Jack is not longer the cue-ball he was last year, and, in fact, looks exactly as he always does. It’s so soothing, after all this frenzy, to know that at least some things never change. —The Fug Girls