It’s time for that holiday for lovers who don’t retch at the sight of all things pink, a.k.a. Valentine’s Day. Unfortunately, Hallmark’s big day leaves many singletons feeling less than lustrous. But! We assure you that sticking a fork in your throat is not only tired, it’s the wrong choice. That’s because Barneys Warehouse Sale is starting! Since they offer Christian Louboutins for $240 (regularly pushing $700) and Diane Von Furstenberg dresses for $129 (regularly $365), shoppers can get pretty aggressive, thus making it the perfect place for you to diffuse some V-Day angst. Or, if you’ve got a prix fixe reserved for 8 p.m., it’s the perfect place to get that chic outfit you’ve yet to nail down for the affair. So quick — get a 24-hour cold! Practice your sick voice! Because tomorrow morning you want to be the first in the doors when they open at 8 a.m. A brave ambassador from the Cut will be right there with you to bring you the vicious blouse-snatching and belt-whipping live tomorrow morning. And just in case that sort of violence actually goes down, here are our tips for rocking the sale like you wish someone had at the Grammys:
1. Leave your manners on the sidewalk. A $75 Marc Jacobs dress is not like the last dinner roll. If you reach for it at the same time as someone else, you don’t just let them have it. Ask yourself this: Do you want that Marc Jacobs dress? Or [switch to mental Tyra Banks voice] do you WANT that Marc Jacobs dress? That’s what we thought.
2. Either go alone or with a friend who is a completely different size than you. Shopping is not a good reason to ruin friendships.
3. Keep your hands free. If you have one of those “trendy” fanny packs, wear it. We’d even excuse you for wearing a dorky, awful one, but tomorrow and only tomorrow. Or if you’ve got a bag that goes across the shoulder, sport that. You’ll need your hands free for rapid digging through bins and racks.
4. Distract anyone who seems like a threat. Feel free to cry out, “Oh my God, Rachel Zoe is filming her reality series here?!” at will. Or, “Oh my God, that woman’s face is having a bad reaction to her peel!” Or just, “Oh my God!” with any sort of aimless pointing should do the trick.
5. Smell unpleasant so people will stay away from you. We don’t know how to do this since we always smell like caramel and sunflowers, but if you’re that hard-core, we salute you.
6. Don’t discount wearing heels. Yes, you’ll want to dash from rack to rack, but it’s not bad to have a weapon within reach, lest a thieving hand attempts to snatch those tank tops next to you on the floor that, like, you were totally trying on.
7. Speaking of try-ons, there are no changing rooms. But there are also no refunds, so you need to be sure of your purchases. There will be plenty of girls stripping down, so it won’t be terribly awkward. But there will also be men shopping the sale, and we can’t guarantee they’ll all be gay. So if you’re game for the change, we suggest tights or leggings (which we don’t necessarily love but will excuse for tomorrow) to make the experience less humiliating. Also, wear a snug cami under your shirt. This is assuming you’re not one of those bothersome exhibitionists whom we don’t like, which obviously you’re not because you’re reading this.
8. If you do take things off to try stuff on, make sure they don’t get mixed in with the Barneys merchandise. If you don’t find anything to buy, you will have a very cold and embarrassing trip home. And on Valentine’s Day, that’s insult to injury.
Go inside the sale with our Warehouse Sale Liveblog!