cult of personality

Our Totally Scientific Analysis of Kimora’s Diva Factor

Kimora Lee Simmons: lush?Photo: Getty Images

When Kimora Lee Simmons appears at an event, she makes sure she’s cool, hydrated, and always with a full flute: As someone blathered to “Page Six,” Simmons insists an attendant stand by to refill her Champagne glass whenever its liquid levels dip below an inch. Other demands: Whatever venue she appears at must have Fiji water and fans — the aerating kind (obviously the admiring kind of fan would already be present). Hey, if we had a personal Champagne attendant at parties, we’d get sweaty, too. Simmons’s publicist would confirm only that Kimmy “does only drink Fiji water” and called the other reports inaccurate. We don’t doubt the truth behind these claims because, well, look who we’re dealing with. But in attempts to confirm the anonymous source, we combed through some highly selective online videos. Our findings after the jump may surprise you.

Exhibit A shows some kids performing the “Soulja Boy dance” for Simmons. When she sits down at the table, note the water bottles on it do not appear square-shaped but cylindrical, rather resembling Smart water. Ironic, eh?
Verdict: Kimora likely drinks water from a non-square bottle.

Exhibit B: This TMZ video shows Simmons dancing and singing along to “We Are Family” at a shmancy benefit. No fans in sight, but she does look shiny throughout, so perhaps she survived the night sans fan wind. Then again she always wears enough body shimmer to pass for an Oscar statue so who knows.
Verdict: Inconclusive.

Exhibit C shows Simmons signing books for fans at Borders. If you can stand to watch it over the crying girl’s voice (we shit you not: She was crying because she couldn’t believe how beautiful Simmons is in person), you’ll notice in the lower-left corner a cylindrical non-Fiji bottle of water.
Verdict: Kimora likely drinks non-Fiji water. The publicist WAS LYING.

So we’ve have determined Simmons is probably not as big a diva as the Post’s source — or even her publicist — claims. She’s even been to a bookstore, which is very down-to-earth in a suburban-mall sort of way. And in other news, Hillary won Ohio and Texas.

Our Totally Scientific Analysis of Kimora’s Diva Factor