cult of personality

More From ‘The Hills’: Kelly Cutrone Is Tired, Vicious

This double-hitter recap brings up another darkly titled episode: “Just Be Careful.” Dum-dum-dum (again)! It’s referring to Heidi, though, so it’s not quite as frightening. This episode focuses a lot on Whitney and her new job, so, you know, yawn. Whitney and Lauren have lunch and Whitney tells Lauren all about her craaaaazy time at New York Fashion Week. Lauren says, wistfully, “That’s my ideal job.” But Lauren, we’re sure Kelly Cutrone would offer you a job if you asked! The cameras are already there, for God’s sake. [Spoiler alert!! That’s in our notes from before we saw the end of the episode. We swear!]

As it turns out, Kelly Cutrone’s in L.A. to prepare for L.A. Fashion Week, and the bags under her eyes just keep getting bigger. Lady needs to get some rest, stat. But as we learn, that’s just not her style. They’re having a company meeting, and Cutrone totally bitches out a woman named Jessica, who messed up “celebrity outreach.” We have to feel bad for this chick — it wasn’t her idea to have cameras filming her job, yet now the entirety of America’s under-30 population gets to see her boss humiliate her. On the other hand, how hard is it to reach out to some B-list celebrities? Come on, Jessica! Whitney somehow makes her look even worse when she suggests contacting people with whom the designer performed. Wait — we dozed off for a second. Will someone please explain what’s going on and how Whitney saved the day?

Flash to Lauren, bored and alone in Teen Vogue’s intern closet. Whitney’s too busy at her new, “ideal” job to chat with her, so Lauren’s forced to get back to IMing and touching clothes, which are the only things we’ve ever seen her do at work.

And now we cut to Heidi and Stephanie having a girls’ night out! How cute. Heidi’s ecstatic, of course, since the only thing she does since Spencer left is sit at home alone and bang her head against her freshly painted wall. And look, there’s a familiar face at the end of the bar … why, it’s Audrina! What a co-ink-i-dink, we say! AND? She’s wearing a Justin Bobby hat. Why does Audrina always wear stupid-looking hats? A mystery for the ages. Heidi goes up to her, and they chat awkwardly for a few minutes about how alone Heidi feels, etc. We can’t tell if Audrina is falling for her sob story, since Audrina’s face has only one expression, and it is a remarkably blank one. Audrina advises Heidi to “learn how to keep your friends while you’re dating someone.” Burn! But it all ends amicably enough, and Heidi and Stephanie walk away and continue their super-fun girls’ night out.

The next day, Heidi and Stephanie are in a home store looking for stuff for Heidi’s arcade-game-free apartment. Heidi “realizes” that she has some stuff in Lauren and Audrina’s apartment, and she decides to get it back from Audrina. Sneaky, Heidi! You’re reminding us of your ex-boyfriend more and more each episode.

Then Lauren and Whitney chat while stretching in the gym, and the only reason this scene exists is to reinforce the idea that Lauren is jealous of Whitney’s job. Don’t we know that already?

Anyway, back to actual plot developments: Lauren and Stephanie are in class together, and Stephanie lets it slip that they ran into Audrina the other night: “Heidi and Audrina spoke for a long time; it kind of seems like they’re cool now.” We couldn’t wait to see Stephanie’s dark side, and here it is! Goody! What an awesome liar she is. Lauren just looks confused. Per usual.

Back at home, Lauren confronts Audrina about hanging out with Heidi. Ever notice how much “confronting” happens in this show? There’s a certainly a lot of it. Lauren tells Audrina to be wary of Heidi. “I think you’re a really nice person, and sometimes people take advantage of that,” Lauren says condescendingly. We think Audrina’s hurt, but again, we can’t tell. Blank, we tell you. The girl is blank.

Lauren visits Whitney at work and starts helping her with something, and magically, someone offers her a job for Fashion Week. Moving right along…

Heidi comes over to get her stuff from Audrina, who’s less than friendly. We think, anyhow (like we said, the face — blankety blank). Audrina offers some wise words to Heidi regarding her lot in life: “It’s weird how the world works.” Deep. Audrina is The Hills’ resident guru, apparently.

And now for the final confrontation: Audrina tells Lauren that Heidi came over! And sat down in their apartment! The girls both raise their eyebrows and we promptly fall asleep. Good night! Until next time!

And now, our Unequivocal Hills Reality Index!

As Real As Lauren Is Awkward
• Lo. Except for her hair, she’s a total treat. And compared to the other girls, as genuine as The Hills gets.
• Cutrone’s nastiness. That woman and her venom tongue are no joke. Fashionistas, beware!
• Spencer’s douche-baggery. We’ll admit, we used to think that Spencer’s insanely horrible ways were mostly a put-on for the camera. He knew what MTV wanted and gave it to them. But this week, his astonishing capacity for evil-doing (making his sister cry, telling Heidi he was looking to date other people) convinced us otherwise. He really is Satan. You’ve been warned, America.

Faker Than Audrina’s Boobs
• Audrina just happened to be at the same bar as Heidi and Stephanie? We know these girls go out to the same places, but we have a hard time swallowing this run-in. And who were the weirdos Audrina was hanging with? We think they belong in the “real” category.
• We didn’t really get a good glimpse of them until this episode, so it must be said: Heidi’s ENORMOUS new boobs.
• Weirdly, we actually do think Lauren is a little in love with Stephanie. But MTV clearly made her invite the She-Pratt to her birthday party. No question about it.
Emma Rosenblum

More From ‘The Hills’: Kelly Cutrone Is Tired, Vicious