cult of personality

Spencer and Heidi Scream All Over ‘The Hills’

We welcome you back to a Monday-evening episode of The Hills, subtly titled “Girls Night Out.” It’s only one episode tonight, folks, and let us say: Amen.

We open with Heidi visiting Audrina on a lunch break. When did these two become so buddy-buddy? Didn’t we end last week with Audrina telling Lauren that Heidi could stick it? These girls have no week-to-week consistency! Heidi blathers on about her “break” with Spencer. “I’m gaining myself,” Heidi says, though by “gaining” we assume she means “radically altering my physical appearance with gratuitous plastic surgery.” She then says she desperately needs a girls’ night out and begs Audrina to come … so that she’s not hitting the bars alone? She doesn’t have any other friends, right? During this entire conversation, Audrina just stares at Whitney, awkwardly smiles, and blinks a lot. And says, “Yeeeah…” Good ol’ Audrina: You can always count on her to agree with whatever you say. Cut to credits, and we’re feeling the rain on our skin. Onward!

Whitney’s on the job at People’s Revolution, where she’s in the middle of model casting for L.A. Fashion Week. Lots of tall, skinny girls mill about as Lauren comes in to work as a helper, or whatever the excuse for hiring her was. Boss-lady Kelly Cutrone enters in all her under-eye bag glory and instructs the girls to keep track of all the models. A very hot guy’s abs flash across the screen. “Oh, my God,” says Kelly. Or did we say that? Does it even matter? Anyhow, Kelly yells that the girls are working too slowly and then takes the time to insult that woman Jessica, yet again. Poor Jessica — a real employee, subjected to this treatment. Her lipstick looks pretty, at least.

Meanwhile, Spencer and Stephanie are at her apartment (which Spencer is still scrubbily living in). He and his horrible, horrible blond facial hair quiz Stephanie about where she’s going for the night. She tells him she’s heading to S Bar, and Spencer knows that Heidi will also be there. He strokes his unattractive beard as he hatches an evil plan. All this guy needs is a cat named Azreal and a bald spot, and he’d give Gargamel a real run for his money. And you know what? Heidi kind of looks like Smurfette. But with bigger boobs.

Over at S Bar, Audrina, Stephanie, and Heidi are hanging out and talking shit about relationships. Audrina informs us that she doesn’t want to be in one (until Justin Bobby returns, we hope!), to which Stephanie replies, “That’s the best — you’re so young!” Ha! How old is Stephanie? 23? But we must say, it’s not idiotic advice. Heidi calls Stephanie “the encourager of single women.” Okay, we’re not wont to come to Spencer’s defense, but what the hell, Stephanie? If our sister was telling our ex (whom we desperately wanted to get back with) to stay single, we’d be really, really mad at her, too. Sister, take note.

Yet all that sympathy leaves the instant we see Spencer and his lame-o friend Kevin walk into S Bar and start flirting with girls in front of Heidi. She is rightly angry and wonders, How did Spencer know we were coming here? Stephanie just looks away, guiltily, and we are thrilled — finally, the duplicity we have been so promised! And then: Heidi freaks out. And it’s hilarious. “I will kill some bitch if she comes up to him,” she says. “I want to smash his face in!” All perfectly normal reactions. If you’re in an asylum. Heidi confronts Spencer and they have a blowout in front of the bar bathroom. Heidi is mad at Spencer for flirting with girls in front of her; Spencer doesn’t think he’s doing anything wrong, blah blah blah.

The next day, Audrina is folding laundry on her bed when Lauren comes in to ask her what she did the night before. Of course. Audrina launches into the story of last night, and seriously, this is the most animated we’ve seen Audrina … ever. She tells Lauren about how Heidi and Spencer are on a “relationship vacation,” and about their fight at the bar, and uses the word “like” about 37 times. Lauren isn’t as mad about the fact that Audrina was hanging out with Heidi as we expected she’d be, but she does add this gem: “It wouldn’t surprise me if Heidi and Spencer tried to be friends with you because I get along with Stephanie.” Um … wha? If anyone can explain the self-involved logic that went into Lauren’s typically condescending conclusion, you win a blue ribbon. Because we certainly can’t.

Back to fashion-show madness with Kelly Cutrone: We’re treated to a short scene punctuating AGAIN how much Jessica sucks in light of the shiny new employees. There’s some sort of lighting issue with the runway that Whitney takes over from her. God, this woman is getting thrown under the bus.

Over at Heidi’s fake job, Heidi pours her heart out to Kimberly about her Spencer troubles. We’re not really listening to what she says, but are Kimberly’s bangs just a bit too long? We think they are. “How can you love and hate someone so much at the same time?” Heidi laments. Does anyone else suspect that Heidi prepared this thought ahead of time, like hours before filming, just for poignancy factor? At this point, our boyfriend looks up from his computer and says, “Wait, this show is over soon, right?” Oh boyfriend, don’t be so negative! This is one of the better episodes we’ve seen in a while!

And we’re back at the fashion show, where the celebs are pouring in and getting seated. And there’s Jason Lee! And Kirstie Alley? A pretty lame front row, if you ask us, but we’ve never even heard of the designer, Whitley Kros. Has anyone?

Cut to Heidi and Spencer fighting in his car about whether they’re actually broken up. She thinks they aren’t; he doesn’t really think they are, either. What’s the problem here, kids? Spencer finds another occasion to call Heidi “delusional,” and we applaud you, Gargamel, for your consistency of character.

We end at the fashion show, which went successfully. Kelly tells Lauren that she went from “slo-mo to fashion glow.” We assume this nonsensical statement is positive, as Kelly then offers Lauren a job while simultaneously putting Jessica down, for what has got to be the twentieth time this episode. But MTV saves the best for last in the previews for next week: the return of Justin Bobby! YES!

And now, it’s time for our Unequivocal Hills Reality Index:

As Real As Lauren Is Awkward
• The model-casting process. It’s true: They walk for five seconds and then have their Polaroid taken. Though it’s not quite as fascinating as Whitney makes it out to be.
• Jessica: She’s definitely on the road to getting canned on national TV, a fate that even the most fame-starved urchin wouldn’t agree to.
• Jason Lee’s mustache.

As Fake As Heidi’s Boobs
• Heidi and Spencer’s “relationship vacation.” That bar fight was one of the worst displays of Method acting to ever grace The Hills. They were practically laughing while yelling at each other.
• Lauren’s surprise at being offered a job at People’s Revolution. Well, duh.
• Audrina and Lauren’s friendship. Do these two hate each other, or is it just us? —Emma Rosenblum

Spencer and Heidi Scream All Over ‘The Hills’