cult of personality

‘The Hills,’ Bonus Round: Sean Kingston Would Approve

“Feel the rain on your skin” AGAIN! Sigh. “Mindless drivel,” our boyfriend muttered, exiting the room as the second episode of The Hills came on. (Read about the first one here.) But it isn’t mindless — Lauren’s in computer class at her fashion school, FIDM! And she’s wearing glasses! So there, boyfriend. Did we mention evil twin Stephanie’s in the same class as Lauren? NO WAY!

Whitney’s in New York for Fashion Week and Kelly Cutrone is a bitch to her, which is awesome. (Not awesome? Cutrone’s potato sack of a dress.) Whitney’s assigned to run the Sass & Bide fitting, and she has to stay at work until 2:30 a.m. Ha-ha, Whitney! She gives the Sass & Bide chicks some bad advice about showing tight-ass pants, and they take it. For the record, the clothes kind of suck.

Audrina tells Lauren that “it’s really, really random” that she-Pratt’s in her class. Um, no? Audrina just got home from work and is wearing quite a revealing top. We wonder if her boss approves? We’re pretty sure that Sean Kingston does.

Back in computer class, Stephanie and Lauren reconcile. This can only lead to bad things, but we’re looking forward to getting to know Stephanie’s manipulative ways.

Back in New York, Whitney kind of messes up the fashion show, but then it’s saved! Somehow, we don’t care about Whitney’s new job. At all. Cutrone tells Whitney that they’re expecting a lot from her in L.A., and off in the distance we hear an ominous thunder clap of foreshadowing.

So both Heidi and Spencer are pissed that Lauren and Stephanie are “friends,” and Audrina and Lo tell Lauren to watch out for her. We love that this forbidden friendship is turning into an L.A. West Side Story. The final scene is of an idyllic lunch break in which the Capulet and Montague frolic in the campus cafeteria, reveling in their new-found love. Deny thy brother and refuse thy name, Stephanie! She is looking Arden Wohl–ish with her headband. “[Spencer] can’t hate you for being a nice person,” Lauren says to her. Oh, but he can. And he will.

And now, our Unequivocal Hills Reality Index, wherein we evaluate the most real and staged moments of the show.

As Real As Lauren Is Awkward
• Heidi’s head cold in the above episode.
• Kelly Cutrone’s face. That woman and the bags beneath her eyes are all real!
• Heidi’s lame, lame anecdote about Spencer during breakfast with Stephanie. “Spencer was like, ‘I’ll have the muscle breakfast,’ and I was like, ‘Why, because you have no muscles,’ and he was like, ‘Shut up!’” This is so the way Heidi speaks when she’s not being directed to purse her big ol’ lips.

More Fake Than Audrina’s Boobs
• It’s obvious but has to be said: MTV must have sent FIDM’s registrar’s office some pretty cool shit in order to have gotten Stephanie and Lauren into the same computer class.
• The idea that Whitney got her new job based on actual merit. We’re not sure why Kelly Cutrone wants to be on The Hills, but she obviously does.
• Heidi’s job. “Here are the files,” she robotically tells Kimberly as she hands her what we assume are papers filled with scribblings like “Heidi loves Spencer. Heidi Pratt. Heidi is a rock star!” —Emma Rosenblum

Earlier: ‘The Hills’: Just One Week, and the Gang’s Skinnier and Less Hairy!

‘The Hills,’ Bonus Round: Sean Kingston Would Approve