cult of personality

‘The Hills’: Just One Week, and the Gang’s Skinnier and Less Hairy!

Lauren’s back from her weeklong tour of Paris (er, we mean her very serious business trip), and she tells us that, “everything’s different when you get home!” Yeah: Audrina’s even skinnier, and Brody shaved his head. The space-time continuum that rules The Hills is perhaps not the same one governing the real world — these kids sure changed over their weeklong break. Heidi’s swanlike conversion is complete (doesn’t major plastic surgery require more than a one-week recovery time?). Lauren’s upset about Brody’s new “girlfriend,” and Audrina empathizes. She did date someone who used to make out with other girls (IN FRONT OF HER) on a regular basis, so she knows where Lauren’s coming from.

Cut to Whitney quitting Teen Vogue, and Lisa Love telling Whit that she has her blessing and recommendation. We think this shows a more reasonable side of Love, but our boyfriend points out that it’s probably because Whitney sucked at her job and they’re happy to see her go.

Over at Heidi’s fake job at Bolthouse, she chats with her new friend Kimberly about how Spencer’s about to move out of their apartment. “I gave up everything for him!” Heidi whines. When he moves out, “it’s going to be such, like, a heart-wrenching thing.” Ah, young love. Spencer and evil twin Stephanie have a heart-to-heart about how Spencer’s going to date other girls now that he and Heidi are having troubles. He is “beyond annoyed” that he had to move out of his apartment, and there are no more jokes to be made about what an asshole this guy is. He has taken all the fun out of making fun of him, so we’ll move on … to Stephanie! She’s definitely more ambiguously conniving than he, and there’s something about her mouth that gives us the creeps. Perhaps it’s the weirdly spaced side tooth? The snarllike smile she displays when people are in pain?

Back at the Teen Vogue ranch, Lauren is SOOOOO jealous that Whitney has a new job. She gives the lamest congratulations we’ve ever heard, and it’s a good thing that Whitney is too dense to pick up on it. But she’s not too dense to realize she totally embarrassed herself at her job interview with Kelly Cutrone of People’s Revolution! Or maybe she is. Cutrone looks strung-out when she asks Whitney what she could bring to People’s Revolution, a fashion PR and styling company. “I could be helpful?” Whitney haltingly replies. Of course, Whitney gets the job anyway, and Cutrone tells her she’s making a deal with the devil. Whitney trembles a little in her black dress.

Stephanie tells Heidi that Spencer’s moving in with her and that he’s probably going to date other people. Heidi does that thing where she purses her plumped lips; this seems to be her only possible facial expression since the surgery, which is convenient given Heidi’s sad recent lot in life.

Audrina and Lauren go out to Les Deux and see Brody and Frankie, and Lauren gets into a huge screaming fight with Frankie after she won’t hug Brody hello and teases him about his “new girlfriend.” Or something. Everyone’s drunk. “He loves you, you love him. That’s real,” counsels Frankie. Wise words from the Valderrama look-alike.

Over lunch the next day, Lo tells Lauren that she’s good enough for Brody. Lo is looking prettier than we remember. Did she also have work done?

Spencer packs up his stuff while Heidi looks on. And again, she purses her new lips at him. “Enjoy your space!” Spencer yells at her as he walks out the door. We close with a montage of Whitney leaving Teen Vogue and Spencer leaving his apartment. And there’s some sad music playing, but strangely, we don’t feel the least bit sad for these horrible, horrible people. —Emma Rosenblum

Coming soon: Our recap of last night’s second episode, and the Unequivocal Hills Reality Index!

‘The Hills’: Just One Week, and the Gang’s Skinnier and Less Hairy!