fashion yearbook

Judging Awesome Sparkly Stuff at the Swarovski Fashion Show

The other night in London, Swarovski held a fashion show to celebrate the city’s first Jewelery Week puntastically titled Runway Rocks. They commissioned outfits and jewelry by Marios Schwab, Christopher Kane, Julien Macdonald, and more. But the show was no mere trip down Badgley Mischka Lane. In fact, the designs were closer to blingin’ bondage and costumes a really famous singer might wear on tour. Have a look-see:

Airplane neck pillows can be used as chic new accessories! That sparkly vinelike thing in the middle looks like it makes for a mighty effective pectoral stretch. And that catsuit on the right — is it just us, or does that look like something Kanye West would wear four months in the future on his “I AM ICE KING” tour?Photo: Getty Images

A headdress! We totally forgot we needed one of those! Our plan to upstage André Leon Talley shall be realized at last. When Paris Hilton gets over her philanthropic “efforts” and gets into science, that middle number will be her coming-out ensemble. And look how sweet — that outfit on the right says “LOVE”! Absolutely fetching for Valentine’s Day dinner. And if her date gets drunk and stumbly, he can just grab that little banister around her waist. Photo: Getty Images

Doesn’t it look like the model on the left is wearing a crab? But, like, her breast coverings could be the eyes or the pincers? The gal in the middle — Pirates of the Caribbean–inspired? On the right, giant tasseled hoses are apparently the big-ticket item — forget wearing scarves. Those are soooo 2008.Photo: Getty Images

Julien Macdonald threw us all a curveball by going for a wearable look. Oh Julien. In the middle, Marios Schwab’s creation is part macramé and all goth. And the model on the right almost didn’t make it down the runway because Lil’ Kim called and demanded her nipple studs back. Photo: Getty Images

Judging Awesome Sparkly Stuff at the Swarovski Fashion Show