We were surprised enough to learn that Jessica Simpson was Elle’s best-selling cover of 2007 (of the past seven years). Now she’s scored the mag’s September issue this year and, having seen the cover, our frown lines are only deepening — this is not the month to have one of the most awkward covers of the year. Here’s what irks us.
1. Simpson’s outfit is not glam. At all. We get that she’s a country singer now and the sexy-lumberjack look is meant to cement her new image. But this is the cover of Elle. There has to be some shiny fabric on there somewhere, and that pink flash of bra doesn’t count.
2. Her face doesn’t look like her face. We can’t quite put our finger on what’s making her look so off, but we find it enormously distracting that she appears to be using her tongue to compensate for a lack of lower teeth.
3. It looks like an animal ate her left thigh/ass cheek for breakfast. How else to explain why she looks so caved in over there? She may wobble, but we doubt she actually stands all gawky like that.
4. Her hair is wider than her hips. No matter how thick and luscious Simpson’s locks are, there is no way they surpass her hips in fullness. This is a good thing. The girl is known for her curves. Help her flaunt them, Elle! Don’t digitally slice them off! There’s nothing wrong with women who look like, well, women, after all.