Nothing against our beloved New York Fashion Week, but thanks to the couture collections’ froth and fantasy, and the Technicolor head-trip that is menswear, this is one of our favorite times of the year. After the recent slew of shows, we are dying to see which impressionable celebrities dare to try this stuff at home; many of them will, and a few might — might — even succeed. Based on our personal highlights from this week’s shows, we’re predicting which stars can pull off that walk on the wild side, and who’ll fall through the wormhole and come out on the worst-dressed list.
The sexy jackets and plunging strapless gowns seem designed — and destined — for Armani-disciple Cate Blanchett; everyone else should proceed with caution. However, a shirt that looks like it used to hang in someone’s living-room doorway in the seventies is pure Sharon Stone Country: so crazy it’s irresistible — and frankly, we may apply for citizenship.
View the Armani Privé collection.
Half this collection felt like a love letter to Anna Wintour — ergo, we imagine most of it will end up on that other bobbed wonder, Scientology robo-bride Katie Holmes (although we wish Karl would toss those cute cocktail dresses and coats to Michelle Obama before people try to shoehorn her into boring polyester power suits). As for the hats — the hats! — Sarah Jessica Parker already wore a plant on her head, so a picture frame practically makes sense.
View the Chanel couture collection.
John Galliano Menswear
People say Galliano’s menswear confections — here, part Heatherette, part Cosby sweater — are too over-the-top for real life, but those people clearly haven’t met Mr. George Clooney. Between his Carrot Top obsession and his obvious affinity for Rastafarian pirates, Cloons is a no-brainer to show up at his next movie premiere in a shower cap, coyly flashing one nipple.
View the John Galliano menswear collection.
Maison Martin Margiela
Who’s better suited to bring clothing made of balloons, broken albums, and gift-wrapping ribbon to the attention of Us Weekly’s readership than Jessica Simpson? Listen, the girl needs attention that has nothing to do with her love life.
View the Maison Martin Margiela couture collection.
We’d love to see Nicole Kidman evoke Moulin Rouge in Lacroix’s fabulously French and flouncy evening gowns, particularly if this means her red hair comes with them. And we fully expect to see Rihanna kick up the theatrics a notch in the spectacular short yellow-and-black number, complete with lace hood. Or she could go sexier in a black satin trench over glorified lingerie — essentially, what you’d see on the world’s most chic flasher — but maybe that’s best saved for a night in with Chris Brown.
View the Christian Lacroix couture collection.
The failure of The Love Guru means Mike Myers is probably more desperate than ever to recapture his Wayne’s World-era success. What better way to revisit those iconic tighty-whiteys? By making them D&G tighty-whiteys. After all, nice underwear makes everyone feel better.
View the D&G Menswear collection.
After spending half of Cannes in ruffles, Natalie Portman ought to order up Dior’s painfully pretty knee-length dresses. The rest are for the divas. Jennifer Lopez is lovely in Marchesa, sure, but we miss the demi-nudist J.Lo, who would storm the Grammys in the couturier’s theatrical tiger print. And with Victoria Beckham’s low body-fat percentage and high pride in her waxer, we almost expect to see her in the stuff tomorrow. At Whole Foods.
View the Christian Dior couture collection.
Surely Kate Bosworth will make an appearance in Givenchy’s shingled vanilla mini-dress, which appears to be made out of hair that could have been plucked from her actual head. Bonus: It will give the slim actress some much-needed girth, and could be used as a bath mat if needed. She’d probably be better off with the short, one-shouldered purple cocktail dress, which is neatly complicated without being too fussy.
View the Givenchy couture collection.
We were all thrilled when Kevin Federline abandoned his XXXL manpris in favor of sleeker, more adult suits, but we think he could be even more suave in Bernhard Willhelm’s Shakespearean bloomers. What light through yonder window breaks? It is the East, and
K-Fed is the sun, bitches.
View the Berhard Willhelm menswear collection.
Jean Paul Gaultier
We look forward to seeing someone rock any number of these gorgeous coats (Julianne Moore and Gwyneth Paltrow could both work the edgy/classic combo), but who’s paying any attention to coats when there are leather lederhosen? If ironic fashionista Chloë Sevigny doesn’t show up wearing a pair of these within the next month, drinks are on us from now until Fashion Week. —The Fug Girls
View the Jean Paul Gaultier couture collection.
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