As if sensing our fatigue with its omnipresent marquee show, MTV has released a fresh, tear-stained trailer for The Hills designed to convince everyone that its premiere next month heralds a whole new thorny web of intrigue. And we’re trying to feel excited, but we’ve been burned before: Last season devolved into boring retread conversations and anticlimactic three-word confrontations. So pardon our cynicism, but we’re fairly sure this teaser — with its taupe love interests, melodramatic one-liners, and ruined mascara — is less a jumping-off point for awesomeness than a souped-up Cliffs Notes reel full of false hope. But to be sure, we ran the trailer through our internal Hills montage-defragging machine to try to interpret the actual path of these “plot twists” — watch for yourselves and see if you agree with our analysis.
THE CONTINUING DOUCHERY OF SPENCER PRATT
What they want us to think: A new obstacle — Heidi’s sister — threatens Speidi for good.
What’s really going to happen: They’re worth more together than apart, so we expect this is just another manufactured obstacle from story-line purgatory. We foresee many repetitive episodes of Spencer whining before Heidi’s sister eagerly agrees to leave (seriously, would YOU want to live with them?). Then he and Heidi can resume bad-mouthing everyone else, once again demonstrating that Heidi is the only person in the world who could yell that much at an asshat who totally deserves it yet remain totally unsympathetic.
LAUREN’S LOVE TRIANGLE
What they want us to think: Drama queen Brody suspects Stephanie Pratt is plotting to steal Lauren’s new boyfriend, Doug; the scandal is punctuated by a trip to Vegas on Doug’s private plane, during which L.C. wears a romper and Doug and Brody wind up in jail.
What’s really going to happen: We do see Stephanie out with Doug, snarking that Lauren can’t “dictate all [their] lives” — proving Stephanie’s really never seen this show before — as well as a moment where she cries while Lauren acts self-righteous. While it’s possible that Stephanie is a backstabber (she is a Pratt), we suspect she had a latte with the guy in 2003 and Brody is stirring the pot because he wants screen time and/or enjoys emotionally manipulating Lauren. Also, “jail” is surely code for “the drunk tank at the Palms.” Unfortunately, the romper is legit.
WHITNEY GETS A NIBBLE
What they want us to think: Love blossoms for the only cast member with an actual job … but the guy lives in New York.
What’s really going to happen: The flirtation with the cardboard male model (they both attended USC — OMG, destiny!) goes nowhere, because Whitney’s only function is to hang up clothing at People’s Revolution while quizzing Lauren about her problems. However, it lays the groundwork if L.C. nixes another season of The Hills, and MTV needs to give Whitney a show where she hangs up clothing at People’s Revolution in New York and quizzes a bunch of socialites about their problems.
FURTHER ADVENTURES IN JUSTIN BOBBY
What they want us to think: Audrina dates a Justin Bobby look-alike; Justin Bobby burns with jealousy.
What’s really going to happen: Justin Bobby won’t really care (or even remember), and while Audrina should move on, the likelihood that anyone on this show will make an intelligent romantic decision is about equal to Heidi’s chances of winning a Grammy.
LAUREN, AUDRINA, AND LO SORT OF HATE EACH OTHER
What they want us to think: Lo plays the bitch to Audrina, while Audrina and Lauren’s relationship further deteriorates, much to L.C.’s weepy dismay.
What’s really going to happen: Remember when Lo was a tertiary character who occasionally told Lauren to dump her cruddy boyfriend du jour and then left? We miss that Lo. Given what a pill she seems like now, we’re pretty sure Lo actually is mean to Audrina, and that Audrina rightly plans to ditch these chuckleheads as soon as possible. Hey, even a stopped clock is right twice a day. —The Fug Girls