The looming dawn of another September Fashion Week means one important thing: ‘Tis the season for Anna Wintour to widely grin while squiring her tennis crush Roger Federer around town. We fully support her fascination with the dreamy Swiss ace, but can’t help wondering if Anna’s love is real, or whether her affections will drift thanks to Olympics mania and all its attendant delectable man-torsos. In this first week alone, we’ve spotted tons of spry, decorated — or soon-to-medal — athletes who’d make stellar Fashion Week arm candy. So pay heed, A-Dubs: If Roger cancels on you, or you’re just feeling frisky, here are some excellent potential heirs to his throne.
James Blake, tennis: If Lady Bobbington wants to swap one ace for another, what better candidate than super-hot, Harvard-educated Blake — who surprisingly knocked off Federer in the quarterfinals today? And who cares about a gold medal when front-row seats to Oscar De La Renta are on the line?
Jonathan Horton, gymnastics: The U.S. team’s surprise bronze came mostly thanks to his inspiring routines and enthusiasm. Anna could use that kind of fire in her life. Or her purse — if she can’t score wee Jon a seat, A-Dubs could just tuck him away in her handbag. He wouldn’t even need a makeover: The way menswear is going, Horton’s regulation elastic-waist stirrup pants are probably runway-bound.
Park Tae-Hwan, swimming: The Korean suffered an embarrassing disqualification at the Athens games when he just 14, but has already won a silver and a gold in Beijing. Clearly, someone with such capacity to bounce back after adversity can handle Anna’s slings and arrows. Also, he’s deliciously buff and barely legal, which ought to get her some column inches in “Page Six.”
Tom Daley, diving: Okay, this kid isn’t legal — he’s 14 — but we’re not suggesting anything improper here. We just think, if U.K.-born Anna were feeling especially patriotic, she’d do well to adopt the precocious Brit so he’d dive for us instead. Just picture her bouncing tiny Tim on her knee during a Zac Posen show. The heart, it melts.
Benjamin Boukpeti, slalom kayak: He won Togo’s first-ever Olympic medal, so he’s experienced in charting uncertain ground, and is obviously capable of negotiating the rocky waters of The Bobbed One’s love. He also has wicked guns, which could lead to an intriguing increase in tank tops in Men’s Vogue.
Mariel Zagunis, Sada Jacobsen, and Rebecca Ward, fencing: This brainy trio, which swept the individual saber medals, would make an awesome security brigade against the paparazzi (or, for Bee, handy suitors in Manhattan bars). Anna would relish scrapping their baggy, spacesuit-esque white jumpsuits in favor of something slinky and impractical by, say, Stella McCartney. Like Wintour’s Angels, but with blades.
Ryan Lochte, swimming:Thanks to NBC’s daytime Olympics coverage, we recently learned that the U.S. swim team’s second-hottest medalist does not shy away from excessive bling, including a faux grill he sports for laughs. Imagine the good times he and Anna could have in Vogue’s accessories closet.
Phil Dalhausser, beach volleyball: While we don’t doubt Anna is capable of staring down André Leon Talley all by herself, surely sometimes she wishes she didn’t have to stand on a chair to do it. And that’s where a six-foot-nine boyfriend could help. Plus, we’d be interested to see how A-Dubs handles dating someone who has to shop at the Big and Tall store.
Michael Phelps, swimming: An obvious choice, but also the most likely. The only thing tougher to argue with than Phelps’s dominance is the glory of Phelps’s abs. He’s cute, he’s well-spoken, and with that swim schedule, he’s clearly not a commitment-phobe. Anna and Bee may come to blows over this one, but as long as he keeps wearing his aquatic tighties, we’ll be fine with either outcome. —The Fug Girls
For more of the Fugs’ sporting knowledge, check out their complete archive.