There’s a maelstrom of speculation that we are facing the LAST SEASON EVER of The Hills. But that’s not what the show’s creator, Adam DiVello, wants. Us Weekly reports he wants to follow Lauren for the world’s enjoyment until she gets married. Ah, we can see it now — Lauren huffing up the aisle with that same woe-is-me expression she always has, wearing an unremarkable dress in an unremarkable garden in California somewhere, with some drama over Lo being maid of honor and Audrina declining to be in the bridal party, cut with scenes of Heidi Montag promoting Taco Bell and pretending like the nuptials aren’t happening. It’d practically be Hills porn, we tell you!
But before we get too ahead of ourselves, let’s check in with Lauren to see how she feels about it. You know, assuming she has feelings:
She also says her dad wants to come up with a “five-year-plan,” whatever that means. Lauren tells Us, ”I go, ‘Let’s talk about my five-day plan. I don’t even know that.’” Since we know your life is overflowing with difficult decisions, Lauren, we’d like to offer you our life-planning services free of charge. So we’ve outlined a life plan for you for the next five days and the next five years. What can we say? We’re feeling generous.
The Five-Day Plan
Day 1: Come to our office and say hi. If you’re feeling bold, feel free to open up about all those feelings you’ve been suppressing your entire life. Our unwritten motto is “Bloggers you can trust,” after all.
Day 2: Go to a trendy restaurant in New York for lunch and get photographed eating something fattening. Hearing about how thin you look in person is getting old.
Day 3: Don’t do anything today. Stay inside, shut your curtains, and don’t get your picture taken. Contrary to what you may believe, a day without Lauren Conrad is not like a day without sunshine.
Day 4: Practice smiling. But you know, not in a fake way. Go shopping with someone you like who’s not reality-TV famous and genuinely likes you for you and vice versa. That usually works for us.
Day 5: Go to an island where there are no cameras so you can focus on the five-year plan without being distracted by thoughts of how to get yourself more famous.
The Five-Year Plan
Year 1: Stop pretending you’re designing your clothing line. Give credit to the girl who actually designs it and collect a little cash and face exposure by signing on to star in the campaign.
Year 2: Get off the Hills and find a boy who’s not an awful hot-tempered idiot to date long-term. Someone famous, random and unexpected would be really good for your image, like Seth Rogen.
Year 3: Now that your nice boyfriend has helped you become a bajillion times more likable, you can focus on other business ventures. Why not open a Lauren Conrad Hills theme park somewhere in California? With rides like, the Speidi Coaster of Unholy Matrimony and Lauren’s Tea Party. You know everyone in the whole world would pay $47.50 to get in.
Year 4: Get pregnant. Everyone loves a baby bump!
Year 5: Get married (marriage before pregnancy is so passé). Use it to jump-start a new reality show about your married life, your kids, and your new business. Yes, go back to television! Just make sure it’s not on Oxygen, Lifetime, or TLC.