On Sunday night, while we were innocently watching Serena demolish Jankovic (w00t!), a new episode of The Hills aired without so much as a peep from our DVR. DVR, why did you not alert us to this momentous event? As our soccer coach used to yell at us when we’d lazily eat orange slices instead of doing wind sprints, “You’re falling down on the job!” We’ve forgiven our little pal, however, because MTV.com has full episodes we can watch at work, cause, you know, writing Hills recaps is part of our WORK. Aren’t you jealous? And thus this week we have not one but TWO episodes for your recapped pleasure.
We start with the gang piling on Doug’s private jet to go to Las Vegas for Frankie’s birthday. What the heck do Doug’s parents DO? We know an injured minor-league baseball player (good hair notwithstanding) is not making enough loot to buy a plane. Stephanie’s there, even though Brody and Frankie hate her, and she’s wearing a seriously hoochie-esque outfit of short-shorts and high heels. Audrina and Justin Bobby will be joining the group there. “It’s a long story,” says Lauren. And yet we’re sure we’ll hear it over and over. Sigh. Brody rudely toasts to Steph, which kicks off this episode’s theme: Brody is an obnoxiously bad person.
Back in LA, Heidi and her Birkin tell Spencer (who, of course, is playing an arcade game and ignoring her) that Holly’s going to move out to California from the Montag Ranch O’ Bad Parenting. Spencer doesn’t want Holly and Holly’s girlie tampons all up in his space and basically tells Heidi that they’ll break up over this. Heidi does her strained pout of frustration in response. It’s hard to move those bloated lips! When Holly arrives at the Casa de Dickwad, Spencer immediately makes her feel unwelcome. The only reason we mention this scene is because it ends with Holly saying a prolonged “thaaaank you,” to no one in particular, while staring blankly at the camera. Which: Funny! We like this Holly weirdo.
Audrina and Justin Bobby and Audrina’s big boobs arrive in Las Vegas, and she complains to him about the tension between her and Lauren. J.B. is wearing rolled-up white pants and a Harley Davidson hat and looks insane, as usual. He tells Audrina that she’s probably not going to be friends with those girls anymore. He’s right, actually. J.B. is the Karl Rove to Audrina’s big-breasted George W.
At Frankie’s birthday dinner, Stephanie and Brody get into a huge fight. “I’ve known you for a long time, and I know how crazy you are,” he tells her. “That was when I had a drug problem!” Stephanie counters. Which: Yikes. He tells her to leave, and she starts crying, which is pretty pitiful. L.C. takes her upstairs, and they have a heart-to-heart. As always, Lauren cannot manage to have a conversation without turning it into a string of painfully overused clichés. Then, at LAX nightclub, Audrina and Justin Bobby enter the room, and J.B. is accosted by Brody, who tells him that everyone’s down on Audrina. This is NONE of your business, Brody! J.B. the Oracle tells him to “drink up and be happy,” and leaves it at that.
So now we’re at Bolthouse, and Heidi is fake-working. She makes a note with a pencil! We think she just wrote, ‘I don’t know where I am or what my name is. Please take me to the nearest police station. I belong to Spencer Pratt.’ Ha. (We just made ourselves laugh with that one.) Spencer makes her get in his car to talk about the Holly situation. Holly erased three of his TiVoed shows! NO! Heidi tells Spencer that she doesn’t have time for his whining. “Get out of the house; maybe you shouldn’t be there so much,” she tells him. So true, Heidi. So true.
We end in Las Vegas. Everyone is hung-over. Lo tells Lauren that she “needs to put an end to this,” referring to the fighting with Audrina. Wait, what’s that, Lo? Lauren needs to put an end to it? Frankie comes in and tells them that Brody and Doug are in jail, because Doug got punched. Ha-ha-ha-ha. Ha. The girls look worried. We are not.
Next week: Brody and Doug are lost somewhere in jail, Lauren cries, and Whitney returns.
And now, Our Unequivocal Hills Reality Index:
As Real As Justin Bobby’s Scruff
• Those hangovers. We feel your pain, Frankie. Oh, we feel it.
• The fact that Frankie’s turning 27 but hangs out with immature 22-year-olds. Does Frankie have a job? Do any of these people have jobs? Sigh.
• We’ve said this before, but Audrina’s J.B. infatuation. It’s strange, sure, but oh so real.
As Fake As Lo’s Innocent Eyelash-Batting
• The Holly situation. Since Holly is an even worse actress than her sister (if you can believe that), her little smirks and eye movements totally give away the fact that everything about this plotline is entirely contrived (not to mention boring).
• Stephanie Pratt. We’re waiting for the other shoe to drop, but there is something so off about this chick. Like, she-really-might-be-a-CIA-agent kind of off.
• Lo’s line about how nice rooms at the Venetian are. Don’t they have enough commercial breaks on this show, already?
Up next, a recap of Monday night’s episode!