head for the hills

Stephanie and Doug Are the Center of The Hills Universe

Stephanie finally got what she’s always wanted on last night’s episode of The Hills: She was the center of attention! Lauren couldn’t stop talking about Steph’s date with Doug while at the gym with her personal trainer. Personal Trainer says, “If you’re friends with a girl, you don’t go out with an ex. Coming from a guy’s point of view. She better have a good explanation for you.” So that’s why Lauren goes to the gym — to talk to another person who will always take her side!

This plotline also gives MTV a great way to incorporate Britney Spears’s new single, “Womanizer”, after the opening credits, which clearly refers to Gross Doug. Back at school, Stephanie plops down on the lawn next to Lauren, who looks more pissed off than usual. “I heard you had dinner with Doug. What are you doing?” she demands to know. Stephanie plays it about as cool as Sarah Palin talking to Katie Couric about Russia. “He took advantage of using me to get after you,” she says, as if that makes sense. They stare off at separate fixed points in the distance.

Over to Heidi’s house: She’s watching Holly prepare food when her Momma Montag surprises her at the door. Forced conversation ensues — Mom didn’t know Speidi were living together and suggests she have lunch with him, one on one. Luckily for her, Spencer “knows some great lunch places.” As anyone on this show should, since all they ever do is go out to eat.

Nightfall: Doug and Stephanie are at it again! On a date — er, getting coffee — er, eating dinner as acquaintances — er, performing social charity work, whatever. Steph is worried about Lauren, but Doug insists she come to his party anyway, Lauren be damned! Doug asks what they’re doing after dinner and Stephanie says, “DVD night.” Doug bites his lower lip and looks at Stephanie’s chest. Smooth.

Later Brody and Doug share bro time on a quiet precipice. Doug insists he just wants to be friends with Stephanie and flaunts her texts to Brody that say, “Come over late night watch a movie.” Doug pretends this disgusts him and Brody remains incredulous.

Cut to Spencer and Heidi’s mom at lunch. Spencer is convinced Holly’s conspiring to take his place in Heidi’s apartment. Heidi’s mom disagrees and tells Spencer he’s rude and condescending, which he is.

At Doug’s BBQ, Justin Bobby makes a two-second cameo, sticking out his tongue, bless his heart. The girls lounge by the pool while the boys talk about trucker hats and eat Doritos in an opposite corner. Lauren asks Whitney to take her with her if she leaves because she didn’t drive there. As if MTV would allow that. We also see why Doug was working so hard the whole episode to get everyone to come to his shindig since no one’s there.

Back to Heidi: now it’s her turn to lunch with Momma Montag. Mom tells Heidi how rude Spencer was to her and starts crying. “Maybe he doesn’t want you to be close to your family,” she says. BINGO. She doesn’t want to lose her daughter, she weeps. Heidi tries to show emotion when her mom cries. But something about those lip injections makes this impossible.

Meanwhile at Doug’s BBQ, Brody starts yelling at Doug for going out with Stephanie. Doug “just can’t believe this is an issue,” marking the first time we’ve agreed with him. He basically says he doesn’t give a shit about Stephanie and he was just trying to help her, whatever that means. Stephanie is in the next room, listening to everything, looking utterly humiliated, as she should. Lauren finds her and acts like she feels bad for her but then scolds her. “You and Doug shouldn’t have done what you did.” Stephanie blathers more pathological lies that don’t make sense. And another happy Hills party comes to an end!

Which brings us to our Unequivocal Hills Reality Index:

As real as the boys who splash girls at pool parties because they can think of no better way to engage with them.
• Doug’s sleazy stares at Stephanie while discussing “DVD night” at dinner. These two are awful enough to actually want each other.
• Heidi’s mom’s tears. What mother whose daughter co-habited with Spencer wouldn’t bawl?
• Stephanie’s humiliation when she hears Doug dis her from the next room. We all know they didn’t actually just watch a DVD that night.

As fake as Heidi baking cookies.
• The awkward conversation Heidi has with her mom when she “surprises” her at home.
• Doug denying his interest in Stephanie. That guy’s gotta take what he can get.
• Whitney’s interest in the Doug/Stephanie situation. You know she can’t wait for her spinoff to start so she can get away from these boring petty people and their BBQs.

Stephanie and Doug Are the Center of The Hills Universe