douchebag diary

How Not to Hit On Models: A Primer

Beautiful models always say that they’re looking for nice, funny guys — but everyone knows that’s simply untrue. Models just love pretty dudes, whether they’re illiterate, douchey, or just plain obnoxious. Or that’s the theory we tried to test when we sent handsome Radar writer Neel Shah out on the town this week. His mission: To be his good-looking self and try his hand at picking up some unsuspecting models. Of course, he also used the worst lines possible — would models be charmed by a cute, goofy guy, no matter what came out of his mouth?

Absolutely not. What followed was what we might call an “epic backfire.”

[Editor’s Note: Neel was not completely certain that any of the following lovely ladies were, in fact, models when he started chatting them up. Actually, Neel knows nothing about fashion (though he has been known to dress himself). When spotting potential targets, he just went for women who were super-tall and super-skinny. At the Prada party on Tuesday, this worked out well.]

May Andersen, Elite
Neel: [Sidles up] So how about you and I get away from all of this? St. Barts this weekend?
May: I only travel with people I know, sorry.
Neel: I think we’ve met before.
May: I don’t think so.
Neel: Are you sure about that? Wasn’t it François’s party in Bridehampton?
May: [Turns away]
Neel: Okay, this isn’t going so well. Let’s start over. How do I get you to come home with me?
May: I’m the wrong person for this. I’m a huge bitch [laughs]. I never get “picked up.” I like to be the one who pursues.
Neel: Well what if I were superrich?
May: It’s a start.

Amanda Swafford, Cycle Three, America’s Next Top Model
Neel: Say I’m trying to hit on you. What’s the play?
Amanda: The trick is not to bring up the fact that I’m a model. I’m know I’m a model, and I’m hot. I don’t need to hear it from you!
Neel: So never ask, “What agency are you with?”
Amanda: Right. It’s a terrible question.
Neel: What else?
Amanda: Be good-looking and tall. I’m six feet when I wear heels. If you can’t match that, you’re out of luck.
Neel: So basically you’re saying, “Be a male model.”
Amanda: I actually hate male models.
Neel: Who do you go for? Bankers?
Amanda: I like creative types. Musicians, rockers, directors, photographers, writers.
Neel: I’m a writer. Do you want me yet?
Amanda: Nice try.

Lauren, Wilhelmina Models
Neel: So what agency are you with?
Lauren: Wilhelmina. [Turns away]
Neel: Aren’t you gonna ask me what agency I’m with?
Lauren: [Turns head back, but doesn’t say anything]
Neel: It’s Goldman Sachs. You ever heard of it?
Lauren: Yes. Do you think I’m an idiot?
Neel: Do you want me to answer that?
Lauren: Who are you?
Neel: I think we’re about done here.
Lauren: Yes. [Resumes talking with friend.]

Katja, Nous Model Management
Neel: I have a table at GoldBar. Bottles. Interested?
Katja: Actually I’m married, I have a daughter, and I can buy my own drinks, thank you very much. Bye-bye. [Goes outside to smoke a cigarette]

Nykhor, Red Model Management
Neel: Model here often?
Nykhor: What?
Neel: Sorry, bad line.
Nykhor: [Laughs awkwardly.]
Neel: What’s a better one?
Nykhor: Hmm. I don’t really get good lines. Most guys will just be like, “Oh, I saw you during the show! You were great!”
Neel: Does that ever work?
Nykhor: Not unless I saw you during the show, too.

Janelle, VNY Management
Neel: This place is so dead.
Janelle: Are you serious? It’s packed, I can’t even get a drink.
Neel: Whatever. Do you want to go back to my place? I have a loft in Tribeca.
Janelle: Are you serious?
Neel: Yes.
Janelle: I’ll pass.

Well. Having sufficiently struck out at the Prada party, we took our game to Milk Studios last night, where Joanna Coles was throwing a bash for her shiny new Marie Claire hire, Nina Garcia. And there we had a chance to sack the quarterback: Molly Sims.

Neel: Hi. This is me hitting on you.
Molly Sims: Oh my God. I got hit on by this, like, short little man yesterday. He was with business people or whatever trying to show off. He had a camera and came over and was like, “So why don’t you take my picture?” I was like, “Uh, what?” I guess he, like, wanted me to take his picture to impress his friends.
Neel: Role reversal!
Molly: Yeah!
Neel: So what pickup lines work? Say I was trying to pick you up. What would I say?
Molly: Not that. I like funny. I like someone who doesn’t take themselves too seriously.
Neel: I don’t take myself seriously.
Molly: [Laughs] Okay. Well, I’m dating someone, actually.
Neel: That’s unfortunate.
Molly: [Ignoring Neel] You know what, though, it does work.
Neel: What? Being rich?
Molly: No. Being funny. It works a lot better than being too cool for school.
Molly’s friend, interrupting: You know, Molly tried to pick someone up for me today.
Molly: Yeah! And I didn’t know how!
Neel: That’s ‘cause you never have to pick anyone up!
Molly: No, it’s not that! It wasn’t that, it was just … I dunno, he was hot, he was good-looking, he was so perfect for her.
Friend: She didn’t know how to do it.
Neel: Well, did you end up getting his number?
Molly: We are in the process. Because he knows someone I know through someone else.
Neel: So that’s the key: Know someone who knows someone.
Molly: Right!
Neel: Great. So who do you know for me?
Molly: We gotta go!

How Not to Hit On Models: A Primer