cult of personality

The Hills Gets Its Very Own Yenta

As a general rule, Labor Day is our least favorite holiday, after Yom Kippur. So we were delighted when the day that marks the end of all things fun and warm and good in life was capped off by a surprisingly awesome episode of The Hills (especially after last week’s stinker). We open with Whitney and Lauren chatting at work. Whitney’s going to New York for a few days to help with some model casting. New York! We live there! Fun. Lauren reveals she’s just not that into Doug, and Whitney counsels her to give him the old “it’s not you, it’s me” routine (tell him it’s “time-ink,” she nasals), which we don’t think has fooled anyone, like, ever. But again, it’s Doug. He’s not that bright, so maybe he’ll buy it.

Credits! Over at FIDM, Lauren and Stephanie talk about how Spencer has de-sistered her (heh) since her birthday party. Does Stephanie’s face look weird? Like, rounder? Hmm, she might just be drinking some of the Heidi-juice.

On to some cliché scene shots of New York City, where people wear all black and hail cabs. Amazing. Whitney arrives at work and Kelly starts yelling at her immediately. “What took you so long!” she bitches. Whit looks flustered and we laugh and laugh. They start casting HOT male models, and Kelly pimps Whitney out to a Californian named Alex, who has a fourteen-pack. He went to USC for a year, and so did Whitney … what a co-in-k-dink. He asks her what sorority she was in, and she tells him she wasn’t in one. First of all: What an annoying question to ask, Alex. Second, we are pleasantly surprised that Whitney wasn’t in a sorority. (Full disclosure: We were in a sorority in college but sometimes lie and say we weren’t, based on the company we’re in. We assume Whitney’s telling the truth, because she doesn’t seem as sneaky or socially insecure as we are.) Kelly morphs into a total yenta and invites Alex to drinks later, which he obviously accepts. “This is called multitasking in the power-bitch world,” Kelly says. We love her so much.

Back in La-La, Heidi and Spencer have dinner, which … snooze. Lauren and Brody also have dinner. What the hell is up with his hair? He’s definitely rocking a semi-pompadour. He warns her about Stephanie, which … snooze. They flirt, and you know, we’ve always liked Brody. He jokes about getting naked with Lauren, which is legitimately somewhat-funny. Also, we learn that Stephanie has a hamster, or a guinea pig, or some rodent-type pet about which she can’t talk without an incredibly blank stare that makes her look terrifyingly dumb.

Over on the East Coast, Alex and Whitney get a drink at the Soho Grand. Kelly calls Whit and tells her she can’t make it, leaving the two lovebirds alone. They have some small chat about why Alex transferred to Columbia (it “would open more doors” … which he has used to his advantage by becoming a male model? Sigh). They walk around Soho for a bit and awkwardly hug good-bye.

Back in Spencer’s evil lair, he’s reading Killing Pablo and texting at the same time. That is called multitasking in the super dick world. Stephanie enters with a peace offering, and it looks like they might be friends again. Uh-oh.

Finally, Lauren goes to break up with Doug. We think it’s sweet how he’s eating alone; his healthy little meal set up on the table. Catch us off guard, and we’d most certainly be scarfing lo mein in front of the TV. L.C. tries to tell him that it’s not working out, and he immediately gets super defensive. This has hit him “like a ton of bricks,” because she’s “totally different from any girl he’s met.” Aw, Doug only speaks in clichés. Lauren responds in kind: “We tried and we had fun,” she says. Ha. She leaves, and we have a parting shot of Doug, returning to his lonely dinner. Sad music plays during the fade-out.

Next week: Justin Bobby returns, and Brody and Doug go to jail. YES!

And now, The Unequivocal Hills Reality Index:

As Real As Lauren Is Awkward
• Spencer’s love of thriller nonfiction. He couldn’t help but break character and genuinely smile when Stephanie gave him that CIA book.
• Alex. Only in New York would you find a Columbia-graduate male model spewing bs about how “fashion is, like, a culture here.”
• Kelly’s meddling. She’s definitely the kind of boss who dictates all aspects of her employees’ lives, including dating.

As Fake As Heidi’s Lips
• Alex and Whitney’s setup. No commentary needed.
• Stephanie’s hamster/guinea pig. That thing is real, and we’re worried she’s going to kill it.
• Doug’s ”surprise„ over being dumped. The cameras were at his house for a reason, and he already knew it.

The Hills Gets Its Very Own Yenta