For the first time in our storied — okay, two-cycle — history of laying odds on the Project Runway winner, our prediction finally came true: Leanne Marshall took home the prize of an Elle spread, a fat pile of cash, and a terrible product-placed car that she will probably sell tomorrow on eBay or something. The rest of the episode, however, was a slow train through deepest Dullsville, so you’ll pardon us if we inject a bit of gloating into our analysis of the big finale.
Jessica:We got one right! At long last!
Heather: I almost wish we’d been massively wrong, just for the amusement factor.
Jessica: When they cut Kenley first, I actually crowed with glee because then I knew that either we were going to be correct, or I could be happy for Korto because I like her. Other than that. I have but one word to describe it.
Heather: For as much bad blood as there was between Korto/Leanne and Kenley, the raw footage had zero drama.
Jessica: Can we talk about how we spent an entire scene on picking up dog poop?
Heather: I know. It was sewing, sewing, steaming, interview bite, sewing, measuring, “STOP, OMG, THERE IS POOP. DID YOU GET A SHOT OF IT? YOU DID? JACKPOT!,” more sewing, interview bite, mild emotion blandly expressed, sewing.
Jessica: The whole time — when I wasn’t quelling my urge to go into the other room to do something else — I couldn’t stop thinking about the finale where Laura Bennett suspected Jeffrey of cheating, or the return of Wendy Pepper. This was SO BLAND in comparison.
Heather: It’s quite a metaphor for the season when your only non-montage-y moment involves dog crap.
Jessica: For real. Also, I am going to be hearing Kenley’s nasal drone in my nightmares.
Heather: But it was hilarious to hear her backstage horror at Tim Gunn being the guest judge. It seemed SO dismissive of Tim’s importance to the show that she only cared about offending him after she realized he’d have a hand in who won.
Jessica: I know. I have to say, I loved his reaction shot at the beginning when she was like, “I’m not going to listen to you,” and he very nearly rolled his eyes. Tim’s poker face hardly ever cracks.
Heather: Or when he turned away from the camera and kind of made eye contact with it, as if to say, “I KNOW you just heard what I just heard.” Genius.
Jessica: That was awesome. How could she not realize that being a jerk to Tim Gunn is a bad idea no matter what? Like … it’s Tim Gunn. America LOVES HIM. WE CAN SEE YOU.
Heather: Part of me is deeply depressed we didn’t get to see a deliberation about the three decoy collections. I would pay good money to hear them dissect Suede’s. My notes include the phrase “cheap-ass tiara” and the word “terrible” underlined three times.
Jessica: It was really bad. Suede was depressed to be a decoy, so Suede phoned it in.
Heather: Suede said he was going to rock it before Suede’s show, and instead Suede looked like he wanted to slit Suede’s wrists. It was actually really sad to see the look in his eyes when he took his final bow. Suede seemed defeated.
Jessica: Here’s my question for you: Do we think Korto shot herself in the foot by making two new looks?
Heather: I don’t think she did. Michael Kors singled them both out as being two of his favorites.
Jessica: I wondered whether that time might have been better spent by Korto refining what she already had.
Heather: I’m not sure she’d have refined them in the way the judges would’ve wanted, though — she didn’t seem able to self-edit that way. But to me, it’s questionable that they’re allowed to add new things at all. Unless your clothes get eaten by wolves — or pooped on by dogs, I guess — I feel like you should have to show what you brought. No last-second do-overs.
Jessica: It was a mildly strange but not particularly interesting plot point in a really boring episode.
Heather: Leanne was such a clear winner.
Jessica: I doubt it was even as close as they made it sound.
Heather: Wasn’t the runway show cut weirdly? Maybe it’s because we were there, so we knew nobody clapped during any show except Leanne’s, but all the faked reaction shots of people applauding in the middle of Kenley and Korto’s shows were really distracting because they were such obvious cheats. You’d see a close-up of Rachel Zoe clapping and then they’d cut to a wide shot and you could still HEAR the clapping, but it was obvious neither Rachel nor anyone in the crowd was actually doing it.
Jessica: I know, it was really sloppy. And, seriously, so boring. Good for Leanne. I want one of her petal skirts. Otherwise, I don’t care at all.
Heather: I wonder when or how that happened. Any show goes through rough spots, but people started defecting from Project Runway since last season. I have bread that’s taken longer to go stale.
Jessica: I am kind of at the point where I don’t care SO MUCH that I don’t even care why I don’t care.
Heather: People complain about Top Model running out of tricks sometimes, but I will always love it because Tyra finds new and eye-popping ways to out-crazy herself. This show just sort of limps along.
Jessica: Maybe Heidi needs to expand her repertoire of wacky accents.
Heather: Or stories about how rough it was when she was model-hot at age 16.
Jessica: Add a dash of super-unhelpful bits of advice and lots of random gyrating…
Heather: …and a scene where Nina sits down with Korto, listens to her sad life story, and then says, “I cry too sometimes. I cried for two hours yesterday. My advice is to stay strong”…
Jessica: … and we’re back in business. Say what you will about Tyra; at least she knows how to put on a show.
Heather: This is why it’s a tragedy that we may never see Project Runway on Lifetime. If they’d done a challenge based on dressing any one of the murderess/adultress/stalkees that Susan Lucci has played on that network over the years, and had La Lucci come guest-judge it, I’d have been back in so fast.
Jessica: Keep hope alive.