head for the hills

The Hills Needs a Peace Accord

We’re back from our Rosh Hashanah break, feeling refreshed and ready to take on a new episode of this god-awful show. Little joke, God! Please put us in the Book of Life! Heh. So we open with Lo and Lauren, cutting out magazine photos for Lauren’s “homework.” Lauren tells Lo that she’s meeting Holly for a drink later, and Lo expresses surprise that Holly’s in town. Doesn’t Lo know that already? Are we watching a rerun? Lauren is conflicted about the Heidi-Holly connection, but Lo assures her that “drinks are harmless.” She’s DEFINITELY said that exact phrase before, people. This is a rerun?! Hills déjà vu!? We’re quickly descending into a parallel Hills world, where we already know what’s going to happen and what everyone’s going to say. Our life is so sad. And cue the credits.

Meanwhile, Audrina tells Chiara that she has a date with a guy named Colin. It’s unclear how she knows this dude, but it is clear that she’s going out with him to make our favorite semi-mustached philosopher jealous. Holly and Heidi are also having lunch — Heidi’s face keeps getting longer and longer; she looks like a blonde Edvard Munch painting, minus the scary hood. Heidi misses L.C., and the girls decide that the best way to win back Lauren’s heart is to send her a letter. Didn’t Heidi already give Lauren an apologetic letter? Why is everything on this show so damn familiar? Help!

Audrina goes on her date with Colin, and it’s everything we’d hoped it would be: totally idiotic and quite funny. Colin has lovely white teeth and flowing highlighted locks, and used to be a bull operator at Saddle Ranch. Awesome. They bond about music (“I like music!” “I like music, too!” “Whee!”), and then Audrina starts talking about how Justin Bobby is a nasty drunk. Sweetie, that is not proper first-date etiquette. But then Colin tells her she has beautiful eyes and asks her out again … for the next night. Whoa. She says yes and smiles lopsidedly. Aw, morons in love! On their second date, Aud continues to talk about Justin Bobby, which rightly skeeves Colin out. Audrina realizes she has to talk to J.B. about the sitch, so she goes out with him to have a State of the Union talk. J.B. opens with, “If I get this tattoo gun, could I tattoo your butt?” Oh, Audrina, PLEASE don’t break up with J.B.! We love him. She tells him she had a nice date, and he launches into a strange, J.B.-esque monologue. “Nice is good, nice gets you far. You went so far you’re not here! I wish I would have met the old nice chap. There are ways to go about things maturely. And maybe immaturely. You’re a heartbreaker.” Whoa. We are currently working on a compilation of J.B.’s teachings, which we expect to be out next year. It’s gonna be big.

Oh, yes, and here comes Heidi’s letter!! Whitney reads it out loud, and we’ve transcribed it (and added in proper punctuation) for your reading pleasure.

I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am about everything. I am so sorry for every negative or hurtful comment I have ever said; that is not how I feel or who I am. I think you are a great person, and I will always cherish our memories. Thank you for everything you have ever done for me. I really wish things hadn’t turned out this way, but I take responsibility. This whole thing has also been really hard for me.
Heidi Montag

HA-HA-HA. Best. Letter. Ever.
Emma Rosenblum

Heidi and Holly talk more about Lauren, and our favorite semi-mustached evil genius walks in (he’s sneakier than Robert De Niro in Cape Fear…). Spencer claims that anything Heidi doesn’t tell him should be labeled a “secret,” and we are contemplating calling domestic-abuse cops on this dude. Mental abuse is still abuse, right? Spencer, as is his habit, shushes Holly when she starts to say something he doesn’t want to hear. He tells Heidi to “let go” of her obsession with Lauren. Well, we can’t disagree with him there.

Next week! Spencer wants to kick Holly out (again … déjà vu!) and Audrina STRIPS IN THE POOL WITH J.B. Yeesh.

And now, our Unequivocal Hills Reality Index:

As Real As Lauren’s ‘Stache
• Heidi’s letter. So clichéd, so hilarious, so real.
• Justin Bobby’s ambivalence about Audrina. Aud, as much as we like him, he’s just not that into you.
• Holly’s face, as compared to her sister’s.

As Fake As Audrina Is Smitten With JB-ster
• Heidi/Holly’s idea to write a letter to Lauren. MTV cooked that one up, and we love them for it.
• Colin. Sorry, dude, but you’re just another out-of-work actor, and not a very good one at that.
• Holly/Heidi/Spencer. Why does this trio remind us so much of the Rooster, Lily, and Miss Hannigan from Annie? They’re definitely up to no good.

The Hills Needs a Peace Accord