Last night, about 22 minutes into The Hills, we got up to take a quick break (taking notes is tiring!) and thought we minimized our Word doc. When we returned to the couch, we realized we had actually closed it without saving, losing all of our misspelled, nonsensical ramblings like, “Steph is wearing some weird gray thing. I have a boyf, they had the talk, so nice to have him, everyone’s out of town.” People, the irrational anger we felt about this lost “work” made us worry that there are larger things going on in our life that we need to deal with (that, or The Hills is so bad lately that the prospect of rewatching it is Just. That. Painful). The existential crisis that ensued was devastating: Why did we close without saving?? WHY? What does it all mean?! The point of this story is — well, there’s really no point. Annoyed, we went back and rewatched the episode, retook our notes, and are none the worse off for it. Double The Hills, double our half-hearted fun. Moving right along, then!
This week, the gang is taking a private plane to Cabo, because in the pseudo-real Hills universe, there’s no such thing as an economic downturn — just private planes, pool parties, and low self-esteem. Audrina and Justin Bobby are both on the plane and Aud is struggling to resist his magnetic allure. She tells Frankie that J.B. is planning on hooking up with other girls on this trip (remember, last week J.B. made it clear that during Cabo he’d have a metaphorical “hall pass” that permits him to hook up freely … got that? He’s about to remind us about it, like, twenty times).
Once we get to the Cabo mansion, the Audrina–Justin Bobby drama continues. She’s put in the same room as J.B., but she refuses to stay with him because, well … HALL PASS! The boys lounge in the hot tub, all wearing matching Ray-Bans and backward caps, and they’re really the dorkiest bunch of guys ever. They talk about Audrina’s new “boyfriend,” Cory, and J.B. says, “She has the audacity to give me shit…” J.B. is a complete idiot, yes, but his vocabulary’s not too shabby. Well done, J.B. — audacity is an SAT word! Brody wisely sums up the conversation. “I have one thing to say: All girls are shady.” This coming from a guy who has a girl named Britney Canada Whore in his phone.
Back in L.A., Stephanie tells Heidi that she has a new boyfriend named Cameron. That was quick. “It’s so nice to have him, everyone’s out of town in Cabo,” says Steph. We’re sure Cameron would love to hear that she’s only dating him because everyone else is away. Heidi bullies her into having a double date with them that night. Stephanie and Cameron are somewhat late to the restaurant, and Spencer flips his shit, of course. We need to point out, also, that somewhere along the way, Heidi has morphed into a complete bitch. They nastily joke about Stephanie’s tanning-salon habit (Heidi, you should talk!). Then they decide to order before Steph and her boyfriend get there, which is just rude. Eat some bread, meanies. Once the other couple does arrive, Spencer is in rare form, making fun of how this is Stephanie’s first boyfriend and bringing up the fact that she used to date Doug. Stephanie’s not great, we admit, but she doesn’t deserve this. Meanwhile, Cameron just sort of sits there in silence, seemingly dumbfounded by his girlfriend’s brother’s antics and wearing a skater outfit that would be more appropriate for a 17-year-old.
Down in Mexico, Audrina and Justin continue to immaturely ignore/insult each other. Weirdly, J.B. looks really hot at dinner. Did he shave? Hmmm. Doug’s gift to Brody is a gaggle of skanky girls, who immediately take off their clothes and start Jell-O wrestling. Not really, but almost. All the girls are chomping their gum, which bothers us. Then there’s some absurd pool party, in which people play chicken and Audrina wears a cutout one-piece that somehow makes her look even trashier than the group of groupies. J.B., once again, mentions his hall pass. WE KNOW YOU HAVE A HALL PASS, J.B.! It was a good metaphor … ONCE. Aud mentions again how Cory “treats [her] good,” and we die a little inside for her, for tenth time this season. Finally, Lauren and Audrina have a talk about how she needs to cut things off with J.B., once and for all. Ya think? “Let him go,” says Lauren. He’s not a caged bird, L.C. Whatever.
Next week: Brody returns to his meddling ways and wants to tell Cameron that Stephanie is crazy. Audrina tells Cory that they’re moving too fast, ‘cause even after JB threatened to drown her, she still hearts him.
And now, our Unequivocal Hills Reality Index:
As Real As Boys in Tank Tops Are Lame
• Justin Bobby’s hall pass. Okay, J.B., to expand your overused metaphor: Your entire relationship with Aud has been one, long free period during which you’ve smoked outside at the cool kids’ wall, played a game of Watermelon, and then tooled around in your reworked Chevy.
• Audrina’s jealousy. Sad, sad Audrina. There’s no faking that blank stare of unrequited love.
• Spencer’s freaky facial hair.
As Fake As Lauren’s “Concern” for Audrina
• The double date. There’s no way Stephanie would have gone out with Spencer unless an MTV producer was holding a knife to her throat.
• The fact that J.B. and Audrina were “placed” in the same room in Cabo. Was it some magical room-assigning fairy that did it?
• Heidi’s innocence. Girl is evil, just like her boyfriend.