head for the hills

The Hills Will Pretty Much Always Be There for You

This week’s episode opens with Audrina at work. Her friend Chiara tells her they’re going to get to go to the studio with Brandy. Brandy?!? Okay, “Sittin’ Up in My Room” is an awesome song, and we really, really liked it our freshman year of high school. But really, MTV couldn’t find a more contemporary musician to feature on its hit show? They should have at least had Sean Kingston revisit and sweep Audrina off her feet. Anyway, we learn that Audrina is going to forget Justin Bobby for good. Or … not.

First, let’s cover the more boring parts of the episode: Stephanie’s absurd need to have her boyfriend “defend” her from Brody. She and Lauren chat in a fabric store about how Steph and Cameron had the boyfriend-girlfriend “talk.” Lauren invites her to hang out with the gang later that night, and Stephanie agrees. Cameron will “give [her] protection” from Brody. Why anyone would willingly spend time with people who hate her is beyond us. Brody tells Lauren that he’s going to warn Cameron about Stephanie’s craziness; he specifically plans on saying, “Listen, homie, why don’t I pull you outside and tell you some things about your little girlfriend.” Brody, we know that Brandy is the special guest and all, but we think the word “homie” went out of style back when Moesha was on-air. At Crown Bar, the situation gets awkward, as Cameron feels like he has to defend his lady friend Steph (though we must say, Stephanie and her clown makeup are not looking so ladylike tonight). Brody gets there, and in the end, nothing happens. Shocking, we know. Heidi and Spencer show up later on for a hot second to make Stephanie feel bad about herself.

Onward to more interesting developments! Audrina goes on a post-Cabo date with Cory (whose Australian accent has morphed from “cute” to “grating”) and he calls her out on her “romantic getaway” with Justin Bobby. Audrina remains silent and fingers her large, silver earring. Audrina then hangs with Brandy in the studio, and, we have to say, Brandy’s looking good, newsboy cap and all. While Brandy croons, Audrina goes outside to speak to Justin Bobby, who somehow thinks that showing up at Audrina’s workplace is a good strategy to win her back. And guess what? It is.

Justin is wearing a penislike skullcap and has a suspiciously sparkly helmet hanging from his motorcycle. He spews some classic nonsense. “We had something special. To be in a relationship, you kind of have to be, like, together. We’re like a Catch-22. I will pretty much always be there for you.” With this, he wins back poor Audrina’s heart. What did it for her? The fact that he will “pretty much” be there for her? Or that weirdly long chain hanging down near his butt? Regardless, Audrina is successfully wooed. She quickly dumps Cory, even after he gives her a stuffed koala bear (that’s the best you could do, Cory?). “I need to go back to Justin,” she tells him.

We end with some sad music and a close-up on a random fire. It makes no sense, but we’re happy to know that J.B. will be sticking around for a while longer.

Next week: Audrina moves out! Then our DVR cuts out. Damn.

And now, our Unequivocal Hills Reality Index:

As Real As Lauren Is Marginal
• Brody’s hatred of Stephanie. We don’t know where it comes from. Maybe she kicked him in the head as a kid; maybe he’s secretly in love with her. But it’s certainly real.
• Brandy’s comeback. Oh, yeah, it’s on.
• Lo’s cute boyfriend. So real that he refuses to be featured on this “reality” TV show.

As Fake As Stephanie’s Feelings for Cameron
• The forced gathering at Crown Bar. Poor Cameron, subject to the whims of evil MTV producers.
• The hype surrounding Brandy’s comeback. Sorry, we just made that up.
• Justin’s “idea” to come see Audrina at work. Yeah, right. He’d definitely be texting her at 2 a.m. if left to his own devices.

The Hills Will Pretty Much Always Be There for You