head for the hills

The Hills Shows How to Shotgun Your Wedding

Can someone tell us why we thought this was the season finale? Was it just wishful thinking? Because we’re going away next week and won’t be here to watch or recap the final episode! [Ed. note: Actually, someone will, just not Emma.] It’s like planning your prom and then having your date ditch you (or throw up on your shoes and get sent home — yeah, you know who you are, high-school friend). Or maybe it’s more like dreaming of a romantic, 3,000-person wedding and instead getting a tequila-soaked, non–legally binding solo ceremony? At least Heidi feels our pain.

We open in Cabo, where Heidi and Spencer are on a surprise trip that he planned at the last minute. Spencer’s scary facial hair is beginning to resemble that of a certain visually impaired local governor (but we won’t make any jokes about it, since that seems to be a sensitive subject of late). We get the first of Spencer’s creepy, controlling love declarations: “There are always other people trying to tear us apart.” All right, Romeo. The line works on Heidi, though, since she’s definitely a girl who thrives on relationship controversy (See Heidi and L.C.; Heidi and Holly; Heidi and Stephanie; Heidi and her boobs). “Buckle up, baby,” she instructs Spencer. Or maybe she’s talking to us.

Much of the episode centers on Whitney’s prolonged good-bye. She’s heading to The City! Where people drive around on bicycles and keep all their worldly possessions in their baskets! So, to quickly go through her episode-long buh-bye, we present you with this abbreviated rundown:
1. Whitney gets a phone call at work: She got the job at DVF! Shock! Lauren says, “It’s amaaaaazing,” but is crying from jealousy on the inside.
2. Whitney has a going-away party. We’ve never seen Whitney’s friends before; we spy an ugly girl! Whit’s parents are there and make cute speeches. “You’ve progressed with dignity,” says her dad (eyeing Audrina warily, we imagine).
3. Lauren and Whitney say good-bye. “When I go to the grocery store, do I just take a cab there and bring all my groceries with me?” Whitney asks. Lauren also looks perplexed by this urban conundrum.
4. Whitney stares out a car window (again!) on the way to the airport; maudlin music swells. The shot lingers weirdly on a “Fee Per Checked Bag” sign and then pans up to some birds. Okay, Hills, you’re losing us here. Anyway, see you in two weeks, Whitney!

Back to the Wedding of the Year: Heidi’s prancing around in a red bikini and heels and OH MY GOD WE FORGOT HOW HUGE HER FAKE BREASTS WERE. Spencer gets aroused and we puke a little. They bond over how they’re not going to let Heidi’s evil family affect their relationship. Speaking of evil family, we cut back to L.A., where Stephanie is telling Audrina that Speidi is effectively missing. Justin is at Audrina’s house, eating her food and wearing a knit hat indoors, so they’re obviously back together. Justin delivers the best line of the night regarding Stephanie’s search for her brother: “You should put up some signs,” he deadpans.

Back to Tweedle-Dee and Tweedle-Drunk. Heidi and Spencer are hanging out and taking Patron shots together (who does that?). Heidi pretends to be Spanish, yells, “Arriba!,” tells Spencer he is “loco in la cabeza,” and then calls him Juan. WTF? Spencer convinces her to marry him in Mexico. It’s a secret, just them and the camera guys! They won’t tell anyone but all their close friends who read Us Weekly and Perez Hilton. Spencer’s proposal is classic: “I’m madly obsessed with you, which is pretty much apparent since I haven’t left your side in nearly two and a half years, and I pretty much keep you from the whole world.” Heidi better watch out: Next thing you know, that guy’s going to lock her in the basement, fatten her up, and ask her to put the lotion in the basket. Shudder. She says she’ll marry him and show him “what a wife does.” We don’t even want to know what Heidi’s interpretation of wifely duties might be. Just … no.

The next day, after the “wedding,” the happily married couple is frolicking in their hotel room. We see the ceremony on their camcorder, and it takes place in daylight, and they don’t seem drunk — wait, when did this thing happen? Aren’t they hung-over this morning? Then Heidi stares at herself (and her boobs) in the mirror, contemplating what she’s done. Which is … nothing, since it wasn’t a real wedding. But whatever.

Next week: Heidi’s mom is upset about the secret wedding, Lauren and Heidi hug, and Justin Bobby gives Audrina a little aluminum-foil-looking ring!

And now, our Unequivocal Hills Reality Index:

As Real As Audrina Is Proud of Her Decorating Skills
• Whitney’s mom. She’s sad her daughter’s leaving for New York — that’s real! Our mom used to cry when we went to sleepaway camp/college/abroad/anywhere but her house in much the same way.
• Audrina’s refusal to cut out J.B. from her sad, sad life. Thank God!
• Lauren waxed! Maybe? The lighting was off. You tell us.

As Fake As Lo’s Sadness About Whitney Leaving for NYC
• The wedding shenanigans. This is so fake it makes us mad. MAD.
• Whitney’s surprise about landing that job. She can’t believe it! Um, yeah.
• Stephanie and Audrina’s friendship. Have these two ever even spoken to each other before?

The Hills Shows How to Shotgun Your Wedding