Fashion is everything to me. It’s just as important as the music. I don’t want to exist to the British people as just one song. I want to be a true artist who affects their culture in the same way that I’ve affected American culture.—Lady Gaga
Dear Lady Gaga,
We were ready to cast “Just Dance” off as a crappy pop song the first ten times we heard it. Then, in a moment of clarity, we really listened to the words coming out of your mouth and realized this wasn’t just pop music but poetry. The way you’ve described going out and getting so effed up you forget things as they happen is nothing short of art. And we suppose, in a way, your style mimics that. When we’re drunk at 3 a.m. and feeling emboldened, we often believe we can be and do anything. So we understand your propensity toward Lady Gagasaurus, with those gold, rock-like accoutrements sprouting from your breast, or the glove with spikes on it we feel should be taken away from you before you hurt yourself. We understand your even stronger propensity to fearlessly strut around in leotards with your control-top panty hose showing. So persistent have you been with this style that, amazingly, you’ve made the notion of wearing leotards over panty hose seem dated.
We don’t doubt that the success of your brilliant single more than compensates for your astronomical wax bills. But the thing is, pants are your friend. Walking around outside in nothing more than bedazzled panties and sheer hose is great. But, like when you’re so drunk that you’re dancing on tables with strange men (or women) with your shirt inside-out and saying things like “half psychotic sick hypnotic,” when you see the pictures the next day, it’s not so great anymore. Since old habits die hard, we won’t even ask you to wear them onstage (though from time to time it would be nice). Perhaps you could start slow and just wear them when you’re walking around outside. Because we don’t want your greatest cultural effect on this country or the U.K. to be that 13-year-olds think pants — or any kind of bottoms, for that matter — are optional.
The Cut will be off celebrating MLK day on Monday, so we’ll see everyone back here Tuesday morning.