The way all the ladies acted last night on The City severely disappointed us. Whitney was an insensitive friend to Allie, Catarina was an insensitive Other Woman, and Allie seemed too afraid of loneliness to leave Adam high and dry. The only woman who didn’t fail us this episode was Olivia, whom we are dying to have martinis with. Everyone had a lot to learn this episode, so we’ll waste no time in getting into it.
Lesson 1: Consoling a new friend who’s just been cheated on.
Don’t: Look like you’re about to laugh. Whitney has Allie over to talk about Adam’s possible infidelity. Allie looks like a sad, wet dog. Whitney smiles with her eyes and ever so slightly with her mouth. Then again, how should she know better? We’re still not convinced Whitney’s not asexual, so we can’t imagine she has personal heartbreak to draw from.
Do: Convince your friend to dump the cheater and move on to hotter people. We don’t understand why Whitney’s not insisting that Allie dump Adam’s ass, fine though it may be. She argues that since they date guys like Adam and Jay, they have “no choice” but to question their fidelity. However, if Whitney and her City sisters were indeed as fierce as the opening credits suggest, they would realize that healthy relationships don’t come with questions, and if they do, they can (gasp) end them. Why anyone would put up with this bullshit is beyond us.
Lesson 2: Taking work friendships out of the office.
Do: Broaden your social horizons. Whitney asks Olivia if she wants to go to the art opening that Jay (read: MTV) organized. We are shocked that Olivia, with what looks like a genuine smile, replies “Yes” with matching enthusiasm.
Don’t: Snap at your co-worker for telling you about her personal life. Whitney warns Olivia that the party will be awkward because Allie, Adam, and the Other Woman will be there. Perhaps Olivia was embarrassed to be on the receiving end of this asinine story, being told within earshot of her co-workers, because before Whitney can finish, Olivia pulls a quick change. She stares daggers at Whitney and basically tells her the story is stupid and she should shut the hell up. It is perhaps her bitchiest moment yet, and we love it. We suspect she’s just envious of Whitney’s social life because she’s too much of a bitch to have friends. She probably spends Friday nights alone with a mug of tea, her makeup and hair perfectly done, picking Nevan’s Goldfish crumbs out of the couch cracks.
Lesson 3: Planning an art opening.
Do: Get a liquor sponsor.
Don’t: Serve tequila you bought yourself at a liquor store. We don’t care if you shelled out for Patrón, you don’t serve tequila for casual art-opening sipping. You serve wine. Hell, boxed wine would be more appropriate.
Lesson 4: Dressing for an art opening.
Do: Wear something chic and sexy. All-black never fails.
Don’t: Dress like Arden Wohl. Whitney wears a sparkly headband tied around her head and a polka-dotted caftan-esque dress. She looks like a Little Bo Peep that got lost herding sheep and wound up at Woodstock.
Lesson 5: Telling a girl that you made out with her boyfriend.
Do: Break the news in a private place. But only do this if the girl has asked to hear your side of the story.
Don’t: Tell the cheatee at a party with a million people around, including her boyfriend. Catarina has decided she must tell Allie, woman to woman, female to female, that she made out with Adam. We’re all for female solidarity, but if we were Catarina, we don’t think we would have offered the information unless Allie asked for it. Catarina tells Allie she feels horrible. The look of pain on Allie’s face touches our hearts, and we wish we could give her a delicate hug. Catarina smiles with her eyes and we want to spill a drink on her. She obviously just wants camera time.
Lesson 6: Crying at a party.
Do: Exit the premises.
Don’t: Run into the bathroom and cause a scene. Eventually Allie can’t stand talking to Catarina anymore and runs into the bathroom in the “gallery.” Here Whitney fails spectacularly as a friend. Instead of running after Allie, she asks Catarina if she’s okay. Who gives a shit about Catarina? She just ruined everyone’s night!
Lesson 6: Winning back the girl.
Don’t: Ever say, “Where’s my chick, dude?” as Adam does to Jay, who responds, “She’s bugging out.” Sensitive.
Don’t: Offer to stay somewhere else. Adam chases Allie outside when she leaves the party, maintaining that Catarina is lying. We think he’s lying. He’s a vapid male model, so it’s hard to read him, in the way reading a 500-page book that only has twenty words on 117 random pages would prove challenging. “Should I yell at her? Is that the manly thing to do?” he says. No, Adam. The manly thing to do is fess up, break up, and go screw as many women as you want. Offering to stay somewhere else doesn’t say, “I love you, you can trust me.” It says, “I’m going to leave you alone because you’re right, and I’m too dumb to come up with lines to fix this.”
Lesson 7: Social isolation.
Do: Sit around and bitch about everyone you know. After the art party, Olivia and Nevan complain about the hipsters there. Nevan obviously wants to be a hipster, since he’s working on an East Village bar (or something) and always wears filthy clothes. He just doesn’t look hipster because he doesn’t understand that the clothes must be not only filthy, but have some style, even if it is obnoxious style.
Don’t: Say things that suddenly make people want to sit around and bitch about everyone you know with you. “Who even cares, honestly?” Olivia says of Allie’s love-triangle problem. “It’s such a waste of time.” Yes. This is exactly how we’ve felt about all Hills-related shows in the history of time. Yet, like watching Miley Cyrus perform on the Today show, there’s something fascinating in the inanity of it all. Actually no, there’s not — it’s just a good outlet for judging people guiltlessly. Still, we’ve realized we’d love nothing more than to have drinks with Olivia and talk shit about Whitney and her cohorts. She’ll call us, right?
Lesson 8: Reuniting with a boyfriend who in all likelihood cheated on you.
Do: Look really sexy when you meet, so he feels like a chump when you reject him. Allie’s glittery, smoky eye makeup looks fabulous when she meets Adam at MercBar to field his apologies.
Don’t: Make up. Allie should have dumped Adam. He doesn’t look her in the eye when he tells her he loves her. Nothing he says convinces us he didn’t mess around with Catarina. Allie is too scared to break up with him, which we understand, because they live together and she doesn’t seem to have any friends aside from Whitney, who, as we mentioned, is a shitty-ass friend. Allie ultimately says she can’t believe this girl over him. Honey, we realize he’s hot, but he’s an ass. Downgrade the relationship to sex only, and you can do him and other hot male models without the drama. This decision is bad for women everywhere. Fight for your right to not have to deal with this kind of bullshit, and set an example for women in relationships that make them feel bad more than they make them feel happy. Also remember: Don’t erase them, replace them.
Next week: Allie’s misery continues when Kelly Cutrone unearths Allie’s body issues. Can’t this girl catch a break?