With Whitney and Jay firmly ensconced in a relationship, The City is trying to figure out how to keep things interesting. Jay’s misguided faux-hipster fashion sense only goes so far, after all. So the producers have turned to Whitney’s social periphery, Jay’s roommates Adam and Allie. Adam and Allie are in a relationship, which was threatened in last night’s episode when Adam purportedly made out with one of Whitney’s friends while Allie was out of town. We are thrilled that the producers chose to focus on Adam, rather than Erin or Olivia, because Adam’s gorgeousness makes the inane half hour worthwhile. But the episode begs the question, Why are these people in relationships? The early twenties in New York are for making out with strangers, dating prolifically, and drinking too much in tacky nightclubs. Not monogamy. Click on to read more lessons from last night’s episode.
Lesson 1: Introducing your girlfriend to your friends.
Don’t: Go on a double date. Jay and Whitney go out to dinner with Adam and Allie so Whitney and Allie can become besties. But double dating is a fast track to feeling old and tied down. These people aren’t even 25. Is it any wonder the “Boys Night Out” turned out the way it did? They should have gone to one of the tacky clubs they all like and gotten trashed together.
Don’t: Say something to your model roommate about a nude shoot she booked. Jay asks Allie, with a sleazy grin on his face, what happened with the crazy job where she had to get naked and cover her body with weird things. Allie explains it was something for Diesel and she booked it, blah blah. Whitney is very good at sitting there like this doesn’t bother her, and maybe it doesn’t, because she’s the Queen of Apathy, but come on. This would have been a great cue for her to slap Jay in the face and walk out of the restaurant, setting up the show for an entirely different, far more interesting plotline.
Lesson 2: Finding a job.
Do: Look for a job. Olivia is shopping for a photograph to invest in one afternoon with her cousin Nevan, who complains about how he’s supposed find a job so Daddy doesn’t cut him off. These two awkwardly have no intersection with Whitney and her crew the entire episode, probably because Olivia and Nevan don’t do unsavory (read: “cool”) things like go to meatpacking district clubs and get trashed (Olivia would have one drink, fall down, and get trampled by a throng of i-bankers, let’s be honest). Plus, she can’t take Nevan anywhere, since he’s so greasy, badly dressed, and obnoxious. Nevan tells Olivia he can’t look for a job because at 1:15, someone’s already texting him to go have a drink. Clearly he can’t not go.
Don’t: Pretend like you have a job already. Nevan says he’s “working on a nightclub space” in the East Village, which we imagine means drinking at a bar he may or may not have invested in at 11 a.m. with his friend. He’s faux nervous about his situation because he had his rent paid last year. “You’ll get your rent back, you’ll get all that back as long as you have a regular job,” Olivia tells him. Not really, O. When you get a regular job you get a crappy walkup to share with three other slobs. Isn’t it sweet how naïve socials are?
Lesson 3: Going out without your significant other.
Do: Go out and do whatever you want. Flirt. Drink. Be wild and free. Realize relationships are not for you right now. That’s the whole point of being under 25! Jay, Adam, and a mysterious new fellow named Peter all go to Cain and do these things. This sentence is just to give you something to read while you laugh at the Cain part. “Some days you just gotta take the nuts back in your hand and go, ‘Okay, it’s my turn,’” Jay says to some dude, blissfully free of his ball and chain. Out-of-shape go-go dancers in slutty police outfits gyrate on a platform. Sleazy Jay announces he’s trying not to look at them. Now he knows how we feel about him! The difference being, no amount of Patrón could convince us to go home with his face of brown Astroturf. “All we did was go to a club and have a few drinks and the next thing you know you’re going home with some girl,” Jay blathers, really starting to slur. Hot Adam doesn’t disagree, and that’s exactly what happens when Whitney’s new girlfriends bump into them! Adam says he wants to “bounce out”, but one of the girls (Cat, we think — too many new characters who look the same in this episode) says, “Let’s have fun!”
Don’t: Let any of the above happen on camera.
Lesson 4: Brunch with the girls.
Do: Gossip about the boys. Sammy gets a text from Jenna, who says Cat made out with Adam last night. She dutifully announces it at the table, noting the party ended at 8 a.m. (The cameras probably weren’t there because, uh, Red Bull didn’t pay for the product placement.)
Don’t: Laugh at your new best friend’s misfortune. The girls make no secret of how funny they find this news. “What is wrong with these people?” proclaims Whitney, wearing a supremely idiotic giant-knitted-flower-adorned headwrap (either she’s afraid of falling down and hitting her head or is covering up a zit — there’s just no other way to explain it). Because the beacons of humankind on the Hills were so much more couth.
Lesson 5: Greeting the girlfriend after a trip out of town.
Do: Pick her up in a car, because nothing beats a free ride home from the airport. Adam, the model slash bartender, picks Allie up in an SUV. Maybe he chauffeurs when he’s not bartending or drinking Red Bull at 6 a.m.
Don’t: Tell her before you’ve even crossed the bridge that she’s going to hear you made out with someone. Jay told Adam about the rumor and suggested he “nip it in the bud” before Allie hears it from Whitney. So Adam tells Allie he had a boys’ night out and people came back to their place. There was a girl there, but he was talking about “nothing” with her, which obviously means he was sucking her face off. Because what else does a girl do with a gorgeous model after midnight? You can’t have conversations with them. Adam has a sly grin on his face as he explains himself, and furrows his brow to try to hide it. It’s the lying face, but damn, he’s gorgeous. Allie is incredulous, but Adam reassures her she can trust him, calls her baby, takes her hand in his and kisses it, and she seems fine. We would have melted all over that fine leather seat, too.
6. Confronting the boyfriend
Do: Confront your boyfriend if he’s obviously lying to you. After brunch with the girls, Allie is convinced Adam’s lying. So she calls him and asks him to meet her at Cafeteria. He obliges.
Don’t: Confront your boyfriend in a public place. We get that Allie wanted to make him come to her, but there’s nothing more embarrassing than fighting with a significant other on the street. Except maybe being seen with Jay when he was wearing that god-awful blue-plaid jacket in the park with Whitney. Or the neon shades in episode one. Or, well, any time of day at all. Nonetheless, Adam manages to smooth things over. Gorgeous guys are so good at that.
Why did Jay get off scot-free in this episode? How do we know he didn’t make out with someone or drunkenly grope a go-go dancer in the bathroom? Granted, he seems like one of those guys who’s all talk, no game, but it’s only a matter of time before Whitney finds herself in the same situation as Allie. And judging by the preview of the next episode, it’s not that far off!