The City utterly failed womankind again last night. Whitney finally managed to stand up to Olivia and even out-bitch her, but can’t bring herself to stand up to Jay when he tells her he needs to live with her. Olivia acts like a 5-year-old. Allie corners Jay into a living situation that sounds so unhealthy it almost makes us genuinely sad. Erin gets drunk and cries for the zillionth time. And we are led to believe that, collectively, the cast has less intelligence than Kim Kardashian. Which brings us to our first lesson.
Lesson 1: Knowing the first thing about public relations, or whatever “job” you have.
Don’t: Admit you don’t know who any magazine editors are if you work in public relations. We resisted titling this first lesson “not being an idiot” or “looking like you have a brain.” At the DVF Christmas lunch, Whitney and Olivia are sitting at a long table with their co-workers, who actually work at DVF. Whitney admits she knows no magazine editors’ names or what they look like.
Don’t: Tell asinine stories to flaunt your ignorance. A real DVF girl says, “I don’t want to get into PR but I hear that that’s like the thing to know — the editors’ names.” Whitney twirls her obnoxiously high ponytail with her index finger as she proudly tells a story of this one time she was working an event and sat in the Vanity Fair editor’s seat without having a clue who he was. As a girl who works in fashion PR, she may as well have said, “I’m allergic to water.”
Lesson 2: Acting like an adult.
Don’t: Interrupt everything someone says to show how smart you are. Olivia interrupts Whitney to tell her co-workers she knows who all the magazine editors are. No one’s listening to her because at work, as we’ve seen before, Olivia is invisible next to Whitney.
Don’t: Name-drop. Olivia is careful to name Graydon Carter when Whitney refers to him as the “editor of Vanity Fair.” She says it as though she just learned this information two days ago and wants to highlight the new addition to her knowledge piggy bank, like a toddler.
Lesson 3: Being a bitch.
Do: Target your enemy’s weak spot. Whitney tells Olivia she’s going to a holiday party at a friend’s loft and the guests shall include “Erin, Sammy, everyone except for you.” She tops the insult off with an insincere pouty face. This reminds Olivia and the world she has no friends or social life.
Don’t: Hurl easy insults to save face. Already seething from being ignored at the lunch table, Olivia tells Whitney, “Just don’t get, like, overly drunk and fall on your face.” Whitney continues the sarcasm, saying, “Good tip, Olivia! I learn something new from you every day.” We’re proud of Whitney — who finally beats Olivia at her own game — and surprised that the drunk comment is the best Olivia could do. Nevan would have said something like, “That’s right, I’m going to a party where the guests have bathed in the last eight days. Watch out for syphilis!”
Lesson 4: Moving in with your significant other.
Do: Move in with people only if you genuinely love them.
Don’t: Move in with people who may have cheated on you. Adam and Allie are having a surprisingly bitter argument over a game of Scrabble (model Scrabble is something we’d like to see in our lifetime). Allie can’t believe Adam wants her to find another place and looks at him like she wants to rip his eyes out. To pacify her, he proposes they live together and kick Jay out. Her tactic is sad, manipulative, and fucked up. Adam’s not bright, but he’s evidently been listening to all the right Ne-Yo songs, because he looks into her eyes and tells her he loves her, loves waking up next to her every day, and couldn’t ask for anything more. Uh-huh.
Lesson 5: Sleeping with multiple people at once.
Do: Avoid getting together with someone officially if you want to sleep around.
Don’t: Tell your boyfriend you’re in love with the ex you just starting sleeping with again. At the loft party, disgustingly outfitted with a stripper’s pole and ice-block shots, Erin, wearing an obnoxious wreath that makes her look like a Zelda video-game character, tells Duncan, “Part of my heart will always love JR, and the 18-year-old in me still loves him.” She couldn’t have outed herself better if she were Clay Aiken on the cover of People.
Lesson 6: Embracing your commitment issues and running wild like a normal 24-year-old.
Do: Break up with your long-distance boyfriend if you’re sleeping with your ex. After the party at Smooth’s place (seriously, Smooth’s mom and dad: WTF?), Duncan is leaving, this time with an emotional hangover. He tells Erin he doesn’t want to be part of a love triangle. Erin’s confused. “You need to figure your shit out,” Duncan tells her. Step one: Acknowledge the commitment issues!
Do: Rebound. “The best way to get over a guy is to get under another one,” Erin tells Whitney. This might not be your personal style, but it works for people like Erin, so more power to her. We never realized it until this episode, but Erin and Jay should totally get it on. We first noticed the cosmic forces between them when they decided to take tequila shots together after Olivia left the Cutting Room last week. This week at the New Year’s party they’ve both had shitty days (Adam told Jay he has to move so he can live with Allie), are wearing equally stupid outfits (she’s got a bird tail in her hair, he’s got a top hat and vest made of sequins that look like fish scales), and are ready to get wasted. In a perfect world there would be no Whitney Port, they’d get trashed, commiserate, and have amazing drunk sex afterward.
Don’t: Cry over the guy you’re cheating on and obviously don’t care about as soon as you become a drunk mess. Even though she’s worried about drunk-texting Duncan, Erin goes into the New Year’s party happily. But it’s the weird kind of happy girls get in highly emotional times, like immediately after a breakup. The kind of happy you have to convince yourself of by listening to Beyoncé’s “Diva” and Lady Gaga’s “Just Dance” every day seven times in a row each. Drunk Erin cries when Duncan doesn’t call her at midnight. Does this mean she really loves him? No! She’s just using alcoholism to bury her commitment phobia. Get thee to a therapist, sister. They’re like handbags in this town, and it’s not like you can’t afford one.
Lesson 7: Saying no.
Don’t: Feel obligated to do anything for a man. Jay tells Whitney he may need to stay with her since Adam wants to live with Allie, and only Allie. When he raises this point, Whitney looks like she wants to stab him and/or herself. She is a dope with no feelings, but we could see the angst boiling up within her here.
Do: Say no to people who ask of and assume too much of you. Whitney should have said, “I feel uncomfortable with that because I’m afraid you’ll never leave, and I like my porcelain sink free of whisker shavings.” But she says he can stay with her. What’s worse, when they’re discussing Jay’s hangover at Whitney’s place the next day (sexy), he suggests she cook him dinner. This is the 21st century, Jay. Men cook for women now.
Next week: MTV takes the gang to Miami. Jay can’t help but make an ass of himself among women in bikinis.