The painful genius of The Hills is that it never gives us time to forget. With uncanny timing on Tuesday, just as we were marveling about how gloriously long it’s been since we cared what Spencer is doing, the MTV crackmongers dropped a new trailer onto the Interwebs that sucked us right back into the show’s soapy vortex. The clip carries most of the same hallmarks of previous iterations — Audrina failing to make proper eye contact with anything, eloquent quotes (“I mean, what’s next? Like, what, really, what’s next?”), and serious, sob-induced mascara tracks — but with one extra catch: the distinct air of a series coming to an end. So we fired up our tried-and-true (well … tried, anyway) Hills-Montage Defragging Machine to see if we can weed the real drama out of the spit-shined, and possibly very final, hype. Watch and join us.
What They Want Us to Think: A wise sage with second sight who lives under a rock takes one look at Lauren and understands her situation with Heidi.
What’s Really Going to Happen: An actress who just watched a Hills marathon shuffles some Tarot cards and sums up the last four seasons while Lauren tugs on her braid and feigns awe at her grasp of the cosmos. We’d prefer if the psychic said something totally random, like, “You’re going to rediscover roller skates and ponchos, and also, enjoy those nachos you’re having for breakfast tomorrow morning,” but since she probably has scripts in front of her, we suspect that is unlikely.
LO, AUDRINA, AND LC
What They Want Us to Think: After last season’s uneasy truce, the girls move out of the house and on to an uncertain — yet surely glamorous and Louboutin-filled — future.
What’s Really Going to Happen: The girls vacate the manse — which Audrina left ages ago, so we have no idea why she even cares — because the shot of an LC closing the door behind her makes a good episode ending (plus someone is sick of paying the mortgage). They continue to see each other at brunches marked primarily by long silences, and cocktail hours at which people cry and scream at each other to be heard over lyrically on-the-nose music that, conveniently, you can purchase on iTunes. No one gets a new job or ever meets anyone new.
THE CONTINUING DOUCHEBAGGERY OF SPENCER PRATT
What They Want Us to Think: Spencer acts gross; Heidi gets upset.
What’s Really Going to Happen: Spencer acts gross; Heidi gets upset (we’ve been to this rodeo before), but doesn’t dump him, because she can’t until Us Weekly has either paid for their lavish TV wedding or given her a million bucks for a “Why I Left Him” cover, or both. But at least it looks like someone punches the evil Pratt in the meantime. Bonus good news: Spencer appears to have shaved his goatee. FINALLY.
What They Want Us to Think: After the drama of the pretend Mexico wedding, Heidi’s betrayed mother has forgiven her enough to offer her an objective ear about her problems with Spencer.
What’s Really Going to Happen: Pshaw. That glimmer of hope in Mama Montag’s eye is impossible to disguise. The woman clearly prays every night that Spencer will self-immolate, leaving her daughter free to hook up with someone who doesn’t make her relatives grind down their teeth in repressed rage. We spend the season pitying her poor family, as usual.
LAUREN AND HEIDI
What They Want Us to Think: Are these two star-crossed drama queens finally going to patch things up?
What’s Really Going to Happen: Heidi decides to eat a little crow, moping around over Lauren so she can win points in the court of public opinion while also, hopefully, making LC look like a cold fish. Meanwhile, LC gratefully peppers the entire season full of Profound Musings that are specifically scripted to make the teasers interesting. Not for nothing does her comment to Brody about Speidi — “After everything that’s gone down, the two people that they burned are the only two people they have to call” — evoke her infamous and presumably equally rehearsed dig at Heidi, “I want to forgive you and I want to forget you.” That being said, we think it is possible that Lauren and Heidi may in fact kiss and make up — if Spencer allows it — because it would provide such a tidy ending to their shared narrative arc.
AUDRINA AND JUSTIN BOBBY:
What They Want Us to Think: BUT WHERE IS JUSTIN BOBBY?
What’s Really Going to Happen: Just because you can’t see him doesn’t mean he’s not there. Justin Bobby is like a cockroach: The Hills could be hit with a nuclear bomb and he would crawl out of the rubble just in time to tell Audrina something that sounds really deep but is actually meaningless, and then convince her to take off her top. Expect him to saunter in by the third or fourth episode, possibly wearing a fedora, likely without having washed his hair, and definitely getting to third base before she dumps him in favor of an open-ended finale that could yield a spinoff. God help us all.
For more of the Fug Girls, check out Go Fug Yourself.