head for the hills

Kelly Cutrone Returns to The Hills, Heidi Furthers Womankind

Last night marked the return of two very important Hills characters: the hilarious Kelly Cutrone and our other favorite bit player, Lauren’s Mustache. In our (admittedly strange) mind, the ‘Stache has become the truth-teller amid all the crap, jabbering away like the talking stain from the Tide to Go commercial. Lauren recommends Stephanie for a job at People’s Revolution. “That’s BS, Lauren knows Stephanie’s an idiot!” says the ‘Stache (in a Minnie Mouse voice, of course). Okay, let’s get on with it, sighs the recapper. “That’s BS, you know you love recapping The Hills!” It’s true; the ‘Stache never lies.

Stephanie goes to see Spencer, wearing an ill-fitting, train-conductor-esque hat. “Did you leave your train out front that matches that hat?” he asks. Poorly worded, but certainly on point, Spence. Stephanie shares that Heidi texted her about Colby, her strong, Christian ex-boyfriend. “Who she used to Bible study and ski the slopes with?” says Spencer, condescendingly. Way to be accurate, Mrs. Montag!

New Credits! Spencer is in bed, Lauren makes an excited face, Audrina’s hair is blowing in the wind. Where the hell is Audrina, anyway?

Over at People’s Revolution, we embark on the best sequence ever. Kelly asks Lauren if she has any friends to recommend for an internship. “Be careful who you refer,” warns Kelly, ominously baring her teeth. So Lauren goes straight to her genius friend Stephanie, who’s obviously gunning for the job. To her credit, Lauren’s kind of evasive about how to apply, but then gives in and says she can get Steph an interview. Then these two Mensa members have this classic exchange: Lauren: “I’m so hungry” Steph: “Don’t you feel like you always have to stay in shape?” LC: “That’s what baggy shirts are for.” Steph: “Dresses!” That’s great, guys.

So Stephanie goes to interview with Kelly; she’s nervous, as she has to go up to Kelly’s attic lair to face her. Steph hands Kelly a résumé inside an envelope. Kelly sees that Steph’s “Objective” is to become a handbag designer. “So you basically want to use me and my clients to leave here and start your own thing?” Steph looks scared, or more like a close approximation of such, since her face doesn’t move. “Do you know how to use a computer? Print labels?” asks Kelly. Steph looks confused. “Is it stickies?” she replies. WTF? Kelly speaks to Stephanie in French, which she lists on her resume, and Stephanie has no clue what she’s saying. Then Kelly laughs in her face and we die of pleasure. Sadly, since this isn’t real life, Stephanie does actually get the job. Kelly’s reasoning, even though it’s a cover-up, is hilarious. “My inclination is to let her try it because her interview was such a folly that she could be genius,” she tells Lauren. And that, folks, is the best sentence ever uttered on The Hills.

On to Heidi/Spencer/Stacie drama, which is less amusing. Heidi returns from the Wild West. Spencer, of course, is mean to her. “You’re such a little hypocrite. You act like taking shots is kissing someone,” he says. Then he stops making sense, and says something about how running into Colby is the same thing as dating him. For revenge, he and Charlie go out on the town in Hollywood. They’re joined by Stacie the bartender-Muppet and a few of her clones. And guess what? They all like “Pour Some Sugar on Me.” Def Leppard would be so proud. Heidi and Steph confront the group, and they all start screaming at each other “Whores!” “Sluts” etc. Oy, this is bad press for the female gender. Heidi calls a meeting with Spencer and tells him they need to see a couple’s therapist (we can’t wait!). He resists, and she dramatically totters away in her five-inch heels.

And now, our Unequivocal Hills Reality Index:

As real as Audrina is nowhere to be found:
Oh, Kelly, thank God you’re back!
Charlie’s aggressive behavior toward Heidi. What is wrong with that guy?
When Stacie tells Stephanie. “You look like a dog, you’re wearing fur!” So true, Stacie. So true.

As fake as a reality-TV-show internship:
The waiter who says to Heidi and Spencer, on cue, “Hey guys, would you like something else?”
Stacie, who is obviously using a Hills cameo to land a soap-opera gig. Your plan just might work, Stace.
Stephanie, after the worst interview ever, gets a job at People’s Revolution. Okay, sure.

Next week: Justin Bobby! Justin Bobby! Justin Bobby! Audrina and Brody? Whatever.

Kelly Cutrone Returns to The Hills, Heidi Furthers Womankind