Last night’s episode of The Hills managed to further solidify the gang’s incestuous ways, and we’re not sure how we feel about it. This week, the girls go to Hawaii to “surprise” Brody, Frankie, Doug (a.k.a. Paris Hilton’s boyfriend), and someone called Sleazy T, all of whom have gone to Oahu for a boys’ weekend. Brody has obviously refused point-blank to look surprised (much to the producers’ chagrin, we suspect), and when the girls show up, drinks in hand, shouting, “Surprise!” he simply rolls his eyes slightly. It’s almost like he knew his boys’ weekend did not warrant the whole camera crew following them to Hawaii. He loosens up when they suggest shots. Also — was that a Coronita Brody was drinking, or does he have the biggest hands we’ve ever seen?
They hit the beach. Giving her standard vacant smile, Audrina says that Justin Bobby texted her earlier. “It’s like a hate-and-love relationship. It’s not even a relationship, I don’t know what it is,” she says. Bless her: She means a love-hate relationship, but we know Audrina’s not the sharpest knife in the drawer — and catching her bad grammar and misquoted expressions has sort of become our “Where’s Waldo?” for every episode. Then it’s Jacuzzi time, duh. Brody tells Audrina that she is wearing “one of the sexiest one-pieces” he’s ever seen. What we see: When Audrina bends a certain way, her boobs go a bit Tori Spelling–ish. Brody apparently doesn’t notice, or care.
(Also, on the matter of permanent tagalong Stephanie Pratt: God, someone (a) give that girl a shower — she looks filthy half the time and (b) suck the collagen and Botox out of her. What has she done to her face?)
Later, Audrina and Brody engage in mild flirting at dinner. She’s a little tipsy. Frankie tells them to “get a room already.” Fueled by liquor, Audrina admits to the entire table that she’s always had a crush on Brody. He looks at her, as one is wont to do on this show. After dinner it’s time for a party in the boys’ room, which is edited so that lingering, lingering glances are flying back and forth between Brody and Audrina. She goes to his room and hangs out alone. We’re ashamed to admit to having done that same thing in the past. You need to “make a call” or “have a rest,” and before you know it he’s followed you in. Obvious, but it works. Brody follows Audrina in. He calls her a loner, then tells her he likes being her friend and suggests that they might succumb to their mutual attraction some other time when there are not so many people around. And so Audrina spends the night in his room. Um, what about his girlfriend, Jayde?
Meanwhile, Speidi are back in L.A., finding religion. Loitering in the Spirituality & Enlightenment section at Barnes & Noble, Heidi tells Bum-fluff Beard that Colby, her high-school boyfriend, is coming to town, and that they are all to meet up. Knowing that Colby is a Bible-toting mommy’s boy, Spencer visibly has to make an effort to appear jealous. At the double-date dinner, Colby’s girlfriend tells Heidi, “You look different. Colby’s mom showed me pictures. You don’t even look like the same person!” Yes, well, that’s because Heidi has a new face and looks like she’s borrowed a wig from Kim Zolciak of The Real Housewives of Atlanta. Ashley and Colby reveal to Spencer that they don’t drink, don’t dance, they have separate hotel rooms, and follow the Lord’s path. Naturally, Spencer’s mind explodes just trying to process it.
Then things get weird: Ashley and Colby come to Heidi and Spencer’s apartment for a Bible-study session. Ashley pulls an Audrina and says that sex in the Bible is referred to as “fornification.” Colby quickly corrects her. Later, Heidi and Spencer have coffee and discuss Colby’s values. Heidi appeals to Spencer to get on better with her mom and sister. It’s really boring.
Anyhow, just as an aside: Why is Lauren still the central character? She does nothing and she says around three lines per episode. Not that Lauren was ever that interesting anyway, but she used to have at least a pouty-face plotline.
And now, the famous Hills Reality Index:
As real as the fact that Steph had some work done over the break:
• Audrina being shitfaced 24/7 — that’s what drinks with umbrellas do! And we should know.
• Audrina’s “wander into the bedroom” move.
• Heidi and Spencer at the Grove. It’s totally in their neighborhood.
As fake as Audrina’s watermelons-on-a-Popsicle-stick boobs:
• Audrina and Brody. Period.
• Steph being friends with any of them. We don’t buy it. She’s weird.
• Bible studying at Spencer and Heidi’s. That’s just insulting.