head for the hills

No Amount of Therapy Can Save The Hills

A fable: When we were in the eleventh grade, we liked a boy. Something about his leather jacket and backwards cap really got us. And he liked us back! But then another (physically stronger) girl who also liked him got very angry about this. Angry enough to push us into the lockers outside of our AP American History class. Which hurt. So we decided she could have him. And now they’re married and have a little baby, whom we’ve seen on Facebook. The moral of the story is that you really shouldn’t compete with other girls over a stupid boy. Especially on national TV. Especially over boys like Brody and Spencer. Especially with girls who’ve posed nude. Which brings us to this week’s Hills!

First, we’ll deal with Speidi. Heidi tells her “work friend” Kimberly (and we should note: Their “workwear” consists of Heidi’s seventeen-inch platforms and Kimberly’s butt-cheek-grazing dress) that she found a text on Spencer’s phone from Stacie the Muppet bartender, asking if he was coming to H-Wood tonight. So she’s going to lie in wait at H-Wood to see if he shows. Stephanie and Holly (did she ever find a job?) join Heidi at H-Wood that night, and the three of them sit there like idiots waiting to pounce on Spencer (who never comes). Stephanie still hasn’t showered, is wearing some huge flower/cobra thing wrapped around her neck, and is sporting orange blush. Poor girl. They spot Stacie and her friends at another table, and Stacie waves nastily at Heidi. “She’s deliberately trying to do this!” fumes Heidi. Stephanie follows up with: “Deliberately! Malicious! Deliberate! Skankily!” Ha, Steph — you’re so funny when you’re on drugs.

This incident provides a nice segue into Speidi’s couples therapy with Dr. Jordana Mansbacher. Here’s some important info from her website, for anyone who isn’t as lame as we are and didn’t automatically Google her: She received her doctorate from California Southern University, which offers online degrees. Heidi and Spencer argue about privacy versus cheating, or whatever, and we find out that Heidi actually erased Stacie’s text before Spencer even saw it. So why was she going to H-Wood to wait for him, if he never got the message? It’s too annoying to dwell on, as is this whole sequence. We end with Spencer in therapy alone, lamenting the fact that “we’ve become one person, instead of two.” He’s not sure he can curb his nightlife to save the relationship, though. Mansbacher looks disturbed — her online degree didn’t cover this kind of dysfunction.

On to the episode’s other fight: It’s Audrina versus Jayde, the ultimate clash of fake breasts and empty heads, dealing with the fallout of Audrina innocently sleeping in Brody’s bed while they were in Hawaii. Frankie and Brody host an indoor sunglasses-wearing party (that must be the theme, right?), and Audrina shows up. Jayde, dressed as a naughty farm girl, freaks out, and her friend Jo threatens to fight Audrina for her. Lauren, meanwhile, is content to play Wii Tennis, badly. Jo confronts Aud about Brody and Jayde. “How long have you known that them two have been together?” she asks — and we have a competition on our hands for worst grammarian of The Hills. Jayde bullies Audrina until she leaves the party, Brody stands around looking useless, and Jayde then chugs some Jägermeister. Yeesh. Then they all go out to another club, Jayde chugs Jäger again, and starts screaming at Audrina. “Her fucking psycho ass started this,” she yells. Audrina’s not having it: “Obviously you’re insecure. I’m over it! Jayde, you have problems!” Go, Audrina! Then Aud, clearly on a roll, calls Brody “pussy-whipped.” This goes on for a while, and Jayde threatens violence the next time she sees Aud. The whole scene is so gross and degrading to women that we’re just going to stop. Oh, last thing, Jayde is wearing a tie-dyed, evil-hippie dress. She is SO not about peace and understanding, that one.

At lunch the next day, Audrina and her hat recount the drama to Lo and Lauren. “Playmates bring the drama!” says Lauren, who then goes to personally reprimand Brody for being such a d-bag. Brody plays dumb, and blames Audrina for the whole mess. “It wouldn’t be the first time we sacrifice our friends for the one we love,” says Lauren. She is very deep, you know.

And now, our Unequivocal Hills Reality Index:

As real as a Jägermeister-fueled girl fight:
• Jayde’s blind rage. It’s real and scary.
• Jo’s blind rage. What happened to these girls when they were little to make them so mean?
• The fact that Heidi looks at Spencer’s text messages. Why wouldn’t she?

As fake as a platonic night spent in Brody’s bed:
• Spencer’s going to therapy alone? We don’t think so.
• The whole “sabotage at H-Wood” plotline. Please stop with this, Hills producers. We beg of you.
• Jayde’s face, body, and love for Brody.

Next week: Lauren has to fire Stephanie! Whee!

No Amount of Therapy Can Save The Hills