Ah, summer: ‘Tis the season of Malibu beach houses, blockbusters in which at least one international landmark explodes, and skirts so short they almost don’t exist. It’s also traditionally when celebrities go completely off the rails. (Remember the summer of Nicole Richie’s DUI, Paris’s slammer time, and Lindsay’s coke pants? It was a veritable open bar of drama.) At least, that’s how it used to be; these days, all is quiet on the West Coast front. Too quiet. But far from thinking every star in Hollywood has forsaken mug shots for paparazzi photos of their bikini bodies, we actually fear this is the calm before the storm. We’re overdue for a tabloid train wreck, and we’ve got a short watch list of troubled Tinseltown souls we’re afraid might step up to the plate.
Megan Fox: Her rampant verbal diarrhea — from tarring all of Middle America as white-trash homophobes to a lengthy discourse on how High School Musical has a molestation subtext you must be stoned to understand — has even her admitting she’s ill-prepared to be famous. In the same breath she noted she may well be headed down Lohan Street and straight to Crazy Plaza. We’re not sure you can be a true train wreck if you can see your crash coming a mile away, but we’re flipping on the warning siren anyway.
The Twilight Cast: Frankly, half of them could blow at any moment. Robert Pattinson wears a permanently frightened expression, possibly because a cabal of teen girls has taken up residence in the bushes in front of his house waiting for the right moment to propose; ditto Kristin Stewart, except those girls are more likely to try and shank her. Who wouldn’t crack under that pressure? We just hope new cast member and famed good girl Dakota Fanning is a calming and responsible presence, and that photos of her hitting the town with Stewart are innocuous. Because if she gets sucked into the vortex, we’re giving up and crying into a carton of Ben & Jerry’s.
Britney Spears: The last time Britney went on tour and dated someone in her inner circle, it got her in trouble. Now, not only is she on the road again and allegedly dating her agent, but she’s presumably back to nonstop workouts to get the kind of washboard abs that make our laundry piles whimper. We fear it’s a recipe for a relapse: Yes, you’d think her agent, who makes a living off of her, would have a vested interest in keeping her on track — but then again, you’d think K-Fed would’ve had that same interest, and look where that got her.
Lindsay Lohan: The echoes of Lindsay’s past are eerie, too. She’s mired in relationship drama, she appears to weigh approximately 90 pounds soaking wet and in steel-toed boots, and the lady doth protest too much that everything is awesome. All that’s missing is her mother bleating about how Lilo’s just blowing off steam — but of course, her mother appears to be missing, period. We’d like nothing more than for Linds to keep it pulled together, but we’re nervous that the conductor hopped off this train three stops ago.
Shia LaBeouf: In this week’s Parade, Shia admits he’s “an alcoholic” and says that his sense of humor stems from “watching [his] parents having sex” — this just a month after telling Playboy that he would be dating his mother now if she weren’t his mother. Considering the kid already has a DUI under his belt, we’re just crossing our fingers that Oedipus Jr. will act out no further than this episode of extreme TMI.
Amanda Bynes: Other than a raft of online image galleries labeled “Amanda Leaves [Hollywood club du jour] Looking Worse for the Wear,” we have no real gossip causing us to fear a Bynes breakdown. But we are a little worried that the once-winsome starlet has nothing better to do than get self-tanned by day and bleary-eyed — in a series of increasingly tiny dresses — by night. That didn’t work out so well for Paris Hilton.
Kevin Federline: He’s become so beside the point these days that even bravely gaining about 300 pounds yielded him zero press. Where is his sensitive People cover on which he proclaims that he is proud of his curves? What more does this guy need to do to get attention — have his own talk show? Wait, nevermind.
Drew Barrymore: We’re sure Drew’s substance-abuse problems remain firmly in her past, but have you seen what she’s been wearing lately? It’s like a parade of American Apparel’s Most Awkward Moments. Her wardrobe breakdown is shaping up to be worse than some people’s actual breakdowns, and we’re scared.
Spencer Pratt: We’d actually bet money that America’s most-loathed reality personality is twenty minutes away from developing a serious addiction to something — anything — so he can finagle a spot on Celebrity Rehab.
Gwyneth Paltrow: Rather than doing it for the headlines, we’ve decided America’s favorite lifestyle guru is going to hit the sauce like a nursing infant just so she can craft a poignant newsletter recommending the nation’s best rehab centers. It’s the very special episode of GOOP you won’t want to miss.
For more of the Fug Girls, check out Go Fug Yourself.