head for the hills

A Small Child Terrorizes The Hills

Poor Enzo. Look at him. Not only does this kid have to suffer through life with a name like Enzo, forever reminding girlfriends of a mediocre shoe line, he also gets stuck making his television debut as the creepy kid who justifiably freaks out Spencer Pratt. Because if you’ve ever seen The Good Son or The Exorcist or Joshua, you know that Enzo follows in the long line of precocious-yet-evil children, out to seduce and then murder their unwitting adult caretakers. Watch out, Speidi — Enzo’s coming to get you!

Okay, so the kid is cute, but his whole “Watch me play!” act and his adorable “Spender” comment are clearly just a means of luring Heidi into babysitting so he can then ruthlessly kill the couple in their secluded “mansion in the mountains.” And the chic “aunt and uncle” who bring him by Pratt HQ for an awkward introduction? Yeah, right. Where are his parents? Mysteriously disappeared during a family hiking trip? We sort of can’t wait to see little Enzo turn on Heidi and Spence; THAT would be a Hills episode worth recapping! But this week, it’s just the same old drama. Sigh.

We open with Kristin and a nameless friend discussing in full-on frog throat how bitchy they both are. Why do they speak like that? We mean their actual throaty voices, not their words. Kristin decides to ask Audrina out to lunch to discuss the Justin Bobby situation, because as friends, they need to work it out. No, wait, they’ve never been friends. Then why does Kristin care … ohhhh, we’re watching The Hills. Never mind. Audrina’s sister Casey makes an appearance, uttering her usual reasonable lines about how Justin is a douche, and continuing to fascinate us with her many tattoos and ever-changing looks. She looks prettier than she used to, right? And Audrina’s rocking bigger lips this season, we’ve noticed. At this rate, it’s only a matter of time before she morphs into this. Ha! Or, ha?

So Audrina doesn’t show to her planned lunch with Kristin. Did she ever agree to go? Unclear. Kristin calls Lo as a backup, and she just happens to be in the neighborhood, free, and sporting TV-ready makeup. Suspicious, but whatever. The funniest part of this interaction is when Kristin refers to Justin as Justin Bobby, as if that’s his real name, and not some condescending nickname coined by Lo herself. When Kristin reveals that JB told her that he and Audrina were never a real couple, Lo wiggles her fingers in delight. Backstabbing Lo is hilarious. “If you mess with me, I mess with you,” tough-girl Kristin says. Why does Kristin insist on ending every conversation with some sort of “It’s on, Bitch!” catchphrase? She should start a Hills-branded bumper-sticker company. Seriously.

That night, Stephanie chooses to go to the opening of the club Playhouse, while Aud and Lo instead go to a Vedera concert. Vedera is a band we hadn’t heard of that has a female singer with a very cute haircut. While said pixie croons, Stephanie watches in amazement as Justin and Kristin make out on the dance floor (after they’ve established that neither of them tolerates bs. The irony!). “You’ve transformed him!” says Brody of the fact that JB is now beardless and wearing suspenders. Why? Kristin says “fuck” a lot, and then they go on a date on Justin’s motorcycle. Is it just us, or does Justin make a lot more sense when he’s around Kristin? Like, hardly any nonsensical rambling at all, and more coherent flirtation than we’ve ever heard from him. To which we say: Bring back Audrina, so that Justin can return to his gloriously idiotic former self! The couple decides they’re “just hanging out.” Famous last words, people.

In other news, Enzo is planning on murdering Speidi (unconfirmed). Spencer hates kids (confirmed). And Heidi is still a bad actress (seriously confirmed).

And now, our Unequivocal Hills Reality Index!

As real as Justin denying his relationship with Audrina:
• Stephanie’s uncontained glee at being the one to share the news with Audrina that Justin and Kristin hooked up.
• … And Audrina’s reaction of horror to said news. The summer before twelfth grade, we went away to a pre-college program; our best friend called us the day after we got there to tell us that the previous night (the night after we left!), our semi-boyfriend had SEX with this skanky girl who followed him around. And, like Audrina, we put our hand to our chest, genuinely very, very upset.
•When the fake uncle says that they call Enzo “Chatty Cathy,” Heidi pipes in, “I love chatting!” Haha. Real.
• Spencer’s crystal necklace. We’ve seen that thing with our own eyes!!

As fake as a child actor who spews adult-written witticisms:
• We’re sorry, but little 4-year-old Enzo’s allowed to wander around the neighborhood alone? Even though his “uncle and aunt” are really out-of-work porn stars, they still wouldn’t let him cross the street without an adult, we hope.
• Kristin’s attempt at an apology. Blah, blah, blah.
• Even Spencer can’t hate cute kids that much.

A Small Child Terrorizes The Hills