head for the hills

The Hills Is Not to Be Confused With A&E’s Intervention

If we learned anything this week from The Hills (and we’re not sure we did), it’s that taking shots alone at the bar is not a good idea. We actually haven’t taken any sort of shot since college, when an Absolut Citron fad caused us to lose our lunch many, many times. This is embarrassing, but sophomore year, we (and our friends) used to take like four shots … before we even went out. [Ed: We kept a handle of Captain in our dorm room for this exact same reason.] Did we all have problems, like Holly? Maybe. But we’ve reformed, and now we’re that lame-o who declines group shots, even on birthdays. And to the people who get annoyed by this — would you rather us puke on your nice shoes? No, we think not. Which brings us back to this week’s episode, which also made us feel a little queasy at times.

The saga of Kristin and Justin Bobby continues! Kristin sees “a good, sweet guy underneath,” she tells Lo, who looks skeptical. Underneath what? The shaggy hair and ITALY tattoo? Or the flakiness and unreturned phone calls? Justin makes up for missing Brody’s party by breaking into Kristin’s house and cooking her dinner. We wish they’d have shown us the actual meal. What do you think he made her? And was it good? We’d like a little more Top Chef camera work in this scene, instead of just close-ups of Kristin’s sexy pout and Justin’s robelike sweater. The happy couple discusses Kristin’s visit home, in which she spoke to her dad about Justin. (“That’s a big thing, telling papa,” Justin says, creeping us out with the word “papa.” Shudder.) And then they go into the bedroom to have sex, presumably. That’s a lot of dishes to clean up in the morning, but everyone works differently, we guess.

On to Holly and her substance-abuse issue. Seriously, this is not the show to be addressing serious subjects, as the reality-fiction line is so blurred that we end up assuming Holly’s faking her drunkenness for more screen time. Holly gets wasted at a Bolthouse event, makes fun of Spencer’s hat (finally), and generally makes a fool out of herself. “Every single second of my life is the best second of my life,” she slurs. What about all those hung-over seconds you’ll experience tomorrow morning, Holl? She dances like Elaine from Seinfeld, and Spencer compares her to himself, which is on point. Then Stephanie, expert on self-destruction, tells Heidi to confront Holly. “She needs help,” says Stephanie, while she pushes around the food on her plate and (probably) goes into the bathroom to snort some coke. So Heidi and Spencer have a talk with Holly, in which she says she’s going to break up with alcohol for good, and Spencer calls her “a long-haired Spencer Pratt.” Ha — funny mental image there.

We end with Audrina and JB; she’s called him to get together “to stop the awkwardness,” and what ensues is supreme awkwardness of the most amusing kind. Justin is in rare form, as Aud brings out the best in him. Here’s his monologue, in its entirety:

“Last time I saw you two together, the claws were out. Fangs. I did feel weird about putting someone else on the back of my motorcycle. I also would never go to people that you talk to and talk to them. Who would do that? I would never do that stuff. Me and Kristin aren’t’ together, we hung out, I cooked for her. A big part of me will always have feelings for you, I don’t know what to do, feel, or say. I would never be able to say anything was better than Audrina Patridge ever in my life.”

We’ll leave you with that, folks, as no commentary could ever top it.

And now, the Unequivocal Hills Reality Index!

As real as Holly’s stellar dance moves:
• While Holly’s antics may be a bit exaggerated, her harassment of an uninterested Charlie seems pretty typical of drunken behavior.
• The fact that Stephanie keeps harping about Holly is a genuine tactic to distract attention away from her own (clearly more dire) issues.
• Brody and Jayde’s relationship seems wildly immature, and therefore real.

As fake as a toned stepmother who just happens to arrive home after yoga:
• How did Justin get into Kristin’s house? The key under her doormat? Nah.
• We’re pretty sure Holly’s decision to order a margarita at her intervention lunch was not her own.
• Poor Audrina, forced to meet up with a guy who could care less about her. MTV, stop messing with Aud’s head!

The Hills Is Not to Be Confused With A&E’s Intervention