head for the hills

The Hills: Catfights, Cursing, and Pregnancy Plots

People, this show is killing us. It has devolved into a three-ring circus of smut, and if it were not for that recap–The Hills–for-life blood contract we signed, we’d be out like trout, as the saying goes. We’re not usually ones for romantic gestures, but this episode has sparked a longing that we never thought we’d feel. So herewith, “An Ode to Lauren Conrad”:

Oh Lauren, Dear Lauren, your hair blond, your eyes green-blue,
The Hills is just not the same without you.
We didn’t realize how much you meant to the show,
We took your vacant stares for granted, we disparaged you so.
But now it’s all trash, with Kristin and Jayde,
So much fighting and cursing and Brody getting laid.
You had a job, you went to school!
Now all the cast does is sit around and drool.
So if you’re reading this now (and we’re sure that you’re not),
We just want to tell you that we miss you A LOT.

Or, as Heidi puts it, “In Jesus’ name, amen.”

Speaking of Heidi, let’s start by dealing with her and Spencer, who’ve somehow turned into the least reprehensible people on this show, which is a scary thought. Heidi is still aching to have a baby, and so she returns to Dr. Mansbacher, she of the prestigious California Southern University online degree. Instead of balking at the fact that Heidi isn’t wearing pants, Mansbacher listens intently while Heids reveals that she’s planning to go off birth control in order to get stealthily preggers. Mansbacher tries to backpedal: “It’s important before you get married to make sure you’re on the same page … ” But Heidi hilariously interrupts, “Well, we’re married, so we’re here.” Mansbacher counsels her to lay off the baby fever for a while. “The decision has to be rational, not hormonal or emotional,” she tells Heidi. But this is The Hills, Mansbacher! Nothing is rational, everything is hormonal; it’s like one long, twelve-episode bout of PMS over in these parts.

So Heidi goes about seducing Spencer — are we meant to think she’s skipping the pill that night? Whatever, this is ridiculous. She’s wearing lingerie while serving a pasta dinner (Is she going to wear that to bed? With red sauce all over it?), and the meal is accompanied by bread sticks and salad. Welcome to Heidi and Spencer’s house, otherwise known as the Olive Garden! Are those salad bowls refillable? Heidi says grace: “Heavenly Father, thank you for my amazing husband who I love so much, thank you for this meal, thank you for my outfit … ” We’re pretty sure Jesus just rolled his eyes up in heaven, turned to his father, and said, “Dad, I SO didn’t pick out that skanky outfit for her, I swear!” So Heidi tells Spencer she’s taking the baby pressure off of him for a while, and he looks relieved. Then there are some gross double entendres about dessert, and we’re glad for this story line to bite the dust.

On to that pesky love triangle of Brody and Jayde and Kristin. Kristin tells Brody that Jayde texted her and they’re going to meet up to discuss the situation, which Brody thinks is a bad idea (but secretly is thrilled that two girls are fighting over him and his stubble). At the girls’ summit, things get ugly quickly. Jayde’s opener — “Obviously, you don’t want to be here, I don’t want to be here” — sets the tone (hey Jayde, we don’t want to be here, either!), and things go downhill as they discuss the fight at the club. “I got hit!” “I got hit, too!” Then Jayde accuses Kristin of stealing everyone’s boyfriends, which she kind of does. The only thing they agree about is that they both hate Audrina. Kristin gets up and leaves after calling Jayde a bitch a couple of times. Who paid for her Grey Goose and soda? That’s what we want to know.

Jayde and Brody have drinks and decide to get back together, after Jayde bats her fake eyelashes and the bubble in her throat almost bursts from overuse. This was going to happen the whole time, and we’re annoyed by it. Oh, but there are still some rich lines from Jayde in regard to her chat with Kristin: “I wanted to be an adult and tell her to back off and leave you alone.” An adult! Ha! Ha!

Nothing else really happens. Kristin is upset that Brody chose Jayde, both Lo and Audrina hate when they get eyeliner in their eyelid crease, and Kristin and Stacie decide to have a girls’ weekend in Las Vegas. (Which, from the previews, we see is also attended by one shirtless Justin Bobby. Thank God.)

And now, our Unequivocal Hills Reality Index!

As real as Brody’s friends giving him a hard time about psycho Jayde:
• Justin’s voice mail: “Hey sweetheart, it’s Justin. I just wanted to call and let you know I ended everything with Audrina … ” Sure, he was reading off of a script, but we’re pretty sure he wrote it.
• Kristin’s constant exaggeration of her encounter with Jayde. No, Kristin, you didn’t tell her that no one likes her — remember, we were there, too. But it does make it a better story, so you’re forgiven.
• Lo calls Jayde “an animal.” Why does everyone call her that? It must be true!

As fake as Brody and Jayde’s breakup in the first place:
• Heidi’s not getting preggers anytime soon. That would fully negate the cost of her tummy tuck, and her lipo, and her boob job, and …
• Audrina’s assertion that she’s done with Justin Bobby. No, no, you’re not.
• Kristin and Jayde’s producer-organized “talk.” They must have paid for that drink — it’s the least they could do for creating this irritating scenario. Where’s our drink, producers?

The Hills: Catfights, Cursing, and Pregnancy Plots