Last night on The City, Whitney entered the thrilling world of blind dating — and was reminded of how much dating in this town sucks. At least she got a good (if semi-embarrassing) story out of it. But her bad date’s awfulness could not compare to the stunningly tan awfulness of the dearly departed Freddie Fackelmayer, whom we miss more with each passing episode. Roxy grew on us this week when she basically told her awful love interest he’s a douche. And Olivia continued to embarrass herself at her fake job at Elle.
Lesson 1: Managing a socialite.
Don’t: Give her nonsense assignments. Elle has a shoot with Brooklyn Decker to showcase menswear-inspired clothing. Joe asks Olivia to help him style the shoot. He pointedly says he mostly needs help with accessories because Olivia is the accessories editor, as though he had to remind himself what Olivia “does” at Elle because she doesn’t actually work there. If Joe wanted to make it seem real, he’d give her something more challenging to do than pick out a necklace or two.
Do: Make her scrub the toilets before getting the good assignments. Olivia mostly knows fashion because she can afford it. Joe claims to have hired her because she has a good eye. But a common problem with these types is a sense of entitlement, which Olivia has demonstrated time and again. Before Joe lets her on shoots, he should make her realize she has to earn the “fun” jobs by starting with really horrible ones, like removing all the stains from the hallway walls with a toothbrush, or throwing out all the rotted salad in the office refrigerator.
Lesson 2: Going on a blind date.
Don’t: Go out with someone from Bergdorf Goodman. Samantha sets poor, single Whitney up with someone she works with at Bergdorf. Automatically we thought, “Oh great — she’s going on a date with a gay man.” But not only was he gay and snobby, he was like Olivia’s cousin from season one, but with less of a lisp, and perhaps more insecure.
Do: Know when to bail. “I see you’re rockin’ some bling this evening,” Patrick says to Whitney when she arrives. That should have been Whitney’s cue to turn this into drinks instead of dinner and get out fast. But no: Next he asks her if she shops on “5F,” referring to a floor in Bergdorf. Whitney has no idea what he’s talking about. “It could be a subway line,” she says in her defense, sounding like a dope and only giving him further fuel to mock her. Things get even worse when he refers to Louis Vuitton as “LV” and Whitney again has no idea what he’s talking about. Then he steals a piece of her watermelon and declines to eat the cheese that comes with it. And finally, when the bill arrives, he announces, “Why don’t we join forces on this one?” like he’s auditioning for a part in the next Star Trek. Splitting the check is fine — except when a guy suggests it in such a douchey fashion. At this point, Whitney should have apologized for not being a man, accidentally spilled wine in his lap, and paid her bill at the bar.
Lesson 3: Assessing when a guy is good for nothing.
Don’t: Have any expectations from a guy who can’t tell you why he broke up with his last girlfriend. Roxy goes for drinks with Zac, the spelling of whose name already suggests trouble. He said he recently broke up with his girlfriend but won’t say why, which is a bad sign because it suggests he did something douchey to bring it to an end.
Do: Seriously consider his recreational habits. Roxy knows this fellow goes to places like the Gates frequently. This is embarrassing to admit, but we went there on a Friday night once, and the visual assault of the girls in American Apparel lamé bootie shorts, mesh bodysuits, and cutout leggings dancing to Journey made us want to hurl into one of the fake potted plants. We didn’t, but we had to drink so much to get through it we easily could have gone there.
Don’t: Assume he’s okay because he’s better than your friend’s last date. Roxy says Zac seems like Prince Charming after Whitney’s date. But this is no point of comparison! Whitney went on a date with a gay man.
Lesson 4: Knowing when to fire a socialite.
Don’t: Keep her on if her greatest strength is selecting a watch. Erin comes to the shoot because the story line wouldn’t work if she didn’t. She keeps beating her “Olivia sucks at life” drum, but Joe won’t have it because the plotline wouldn’t work if he didn’t. He ends up looking foolish, because all Olivia does on the shoot is pick out one watch for Brooklyn to wear. Gee whiz, she really is no match for the daily grind.
Do: Consider the economy. We’re in a recession — there is no way a job that requires someone to pick up a piece of jewelry every now and then would exist. Joe should fire Olivia and give Erin a raise.
Lesson 5: Watching your date arrive at a club with a throng of women.
Don’t: Pass it off as okay. Zac arrives to the Gates with a group of, as she calls them later, “has-been models.” So he’s a promoter who does nothing for a living! Explains so much. Roxy is aghast, which is justified, but how can she expect more from a guy who jokes about breaking up with his last girlfriend via text message?
Do: Confront him. Roxy goes over to Zac and berates him for not bringing hot guys for her friends. Good girl! She’s really growing on us. Later, he tells his “friends” that the Gates is a “club I go to all the time” and that he can bring whomever he wants. In that case, we blame him for our scarring lamé experience.
Lesson 6: Business dinner with a band.
Don’t: Tell the girl who’s been on staff four years longer than you that her idea sucks. For some reason, Joe invites Erin and Olivia to dinner with Cobra Starship, Robbie Myers, and the music editor. This has nothing to do with anything that’s happened in the episode, and someone with Olivia’s “job” would never be invited to such a dinner. But anyway, Erin suggests they do a piece about Robbie getting ready for their annual fancy Women in Hollywood event. “When you get ready it’s kind of private,” Olivia says. Erin, who looks like she wants to slit her wrists and bleed on Olivia’s hair throughout dinner, very rudely counters, “We’re not going to be in her bedroom.” The world needs more Erins.
Don’t: Claim to like house and hip-hop when you have no idea what you’re talking about. The band asks Olivia what kind of music she likes. She says she likes — and we need to pause before we actually type this because it’s so very absurd — house music. Fine, she has a European boyfriend in real life, but there is no way she gets off on, like, the Chew Fu “Bad Romance” remix. She’s probably never even heard of body glitter. Anyway, she adds, “I’ve always been the biggest hip-hop fan.” The band says, “Do you like Tribe?” “What?” Olivia responds. “A Tribe Called Quest?” they say. And over to Erin: “Oh my God.” Again: The world needs more Erins.
Lesson 7: Keeping your office annoyance-free.
Do: Tell girls not to talk so loudly about the night before. Whitney and Roxy are talking loudly and obnoxiously about how lame their night at the Gates was. These conversations are fun, but best had over a lunch break rather than in the middle of an open office. Kelly can’t stand it, so she calls Whitney over and says, “Don’t make me listen to that,” adding that it’s bad enough she has to hear Roxy’s voice. This is the most awesome thing Kelly has done all season.
Don’t: Only reprimand the less annoying one. Kelly should have also told Roxy to shut up, since Roxy’s the troublemaker. But she tells Whitney she needs to get to work on her clothing line because she hasn’t shown her anything since the initial sketches. Exactly — what the hell has she been doing with her life? Oh, right, dating gay men and going to the Gates dressed like a chicken (you remember that white dress). Roxy really is a bad influence on her.