Last night, The City took on the Hamptons in an episode that took previously seen douchiness to epic proportions. There are two kinds of Hamptons: the Pleasant Hamptons where you go for the beach and lounging and hiding from people; and the Awful Hamptons, where you go primarily to party, see and be seen, and hide your bloated hung-over face at your pool because you’re too sick and tired to haul out to the beach on Sunday afternoon. Whitney, Roxy, and Samantha go stay with the Fackelmayers, so naturally, they’re in for the latter. Sadly, we have been to the Awful Hamptons, in a trip that involved leaving early, drinking heavily at all times, and beating a douche with a pillow. So this week’s lessons are extra close to our hearts.
Lesson 1: Planning a trip to the Hamptons.
Do: Make sure you get to go to a beach. Roxy and Whitney are sunbathing in Central Park and Roxy laments that they’re not on a beach. Whitney says they can go to Freddie Fackelface’s house in the Hamptons. Roxy, ever the diligent party girl who loves an awkward situation, says yes. However, Freddie Fackelface’s house isn’t even on the beach. And Freddie and his little brother Harry are pool people. They want to frolic in the chlorine and have easy access to booze, not be troubled with driving somewhere better. Whitney doesn’t clear this up with them beforehand, and the entire trip winds up being a waste.
Do: Make sure you have an exit route. The greatest downfall of the Hamptons is transportation. Getting around if you don’t have your own car sucks. Leaving abruptly from someone else’s house without your own car sucks even more.
Don’t: Tell your maybe-boyfriend you can’t wait to see his little brother. Whitney and Freddie have a tennis date to get pumped up about their weekend away. Whitney says she’s so excited to see Freddie’s little brother Harry. Why? He’s gross and she’s fully apprised of the level of his immaturity. And it’s not like they’re friends. This just comes off like she wants to do him in the bathroom when Freddie’s getting his daily spray tan.
Lesson 2: Driving to the Hamptons with your girlfriends.
Don’t: Try to make your driver feel like the odd woman out. Roxy and Sammie don’t get along well. This is clearly because Sammie feels threatened by Roxy. Sammie got demoted on Whitney’s friend hierarchy (oh, the glory) when Roxy came to town. And Roxy may be kind of a scary freak, but at least she has personality. And Sammie? The excitement Sammie brings to our lives is the exact opposite of what we would feel if Beyoncé and Lady Gaga fused ova and created one super-diva baby. Anyway, Roxy asks Sammie weird questions about the “nastiest thing” she’s ever done. This doesn’t bring her and Sammie closer together. It just makes Sammie feel inadequate. And Roxy and Whitney need her on their side because she’s their driver and therefore their escape route.
Don’t: STAND UP OUT THE SUNROOF. Roxy does this to Mariah Carey’s “Heartbreaker.” She may have even wooted and danced around. Which is exactly why we avoid the Awful Hamptons.
Lesson 3: Arriving in the Hamptons.
Do: Start drinking immediately. Freddie wants to go to Lily Pond.
Don’t: Check out the maybe-boyfriend’s hot younger brother. Harry Fackelface slithers out of the pool like a leech ready to give everyone a hickey when the girls arrive. Roxy and Whitney can’t stop staring at his nipples, even though Whitney is ostensibly there to sleep with Freddie. We love making things awkward ourselves, but it’s best not to completely piss off your host, especially when he’s crazy (but more on that later).
Lesson 4: Interviewing bloggers about their personal style.
Do: Ask about their personal style. Olivia has to interview bloggers for Elle’s personal-style issue. She talks to Jane Aldridge from Sea of Shoes and Tommie from Fashionologie. She asks Sea of Shoes, “Why shoes?” Which is the closest she comes to asking about how these ladies dress themselves.
Don’t: Ask stupid questions about how the Internet works. Olivia asks Sea of Shoes if she feels the need to constantly update the site. Clearly Olivia has never looked at a blog.
Lesson 5: Getting ready for a night out in the Hamptons.
Do: Lock yourself in a bathroom with your girlfriend and go crazy. Getting-ready time is that sacred time girls have to talk shit about everyone they’re about to hang out with, air fears about getting too drunk, and really bond before you have to go out into the awful land of Hamptons nightlife. On our first (and last) party trip to the Hamptons, we shut ourselves in a bathroom with our friend, spilled glitter in the sink accidentally, and decided that rather than waste it, we should use it all right then and there. After all, who the hell was there to impress? So we emerged from the bathroom looking like disco balls, our solidarity strengthened, ready to face the Awful Hamptons with glitter in our bodies, minds, and souls. Every other chick we had to hang out with hated us.
Don’t: Shut out your driver. Whitney and Roxy should have gotten ready with Sammie, because, as we keep saying, she is their exit route. And when in the Awful Hamptons, a plan of escape must be made and stuck to in advance. Way to make her feel even more left out.
Lesson 6: Facial hair.
Don’t: Grow a goatee if you can’t. Harry has a horrible start to a goatee on his chin. It looks like he rubbed oil around his mouth and then dipped his face in instant coffee.
Do: Experiment with stubble if Attracting Whitney Port is on your list of things to do. Naturally Whitney, who dated Jay the Barbarian, is drawn to Harry Coffeeface.
Lesson 7: Partying in the Hamptons.
Do: Get wasted and have a good time. The three girls and the FackelTwins go to Lily Pond. Poppin’ bottles! More bottles! Bottles with sparklers! Wooo! Whitney’s grinding on Freddie! And oh! She’s grinding on Harry! Ha, the Awful Hamptons are SO WILD! (Every bottle’s better with a sparkler!)
Don’t: Get drunk and angry. Freddie sees Harry and Whitney grinding up on each other. Harry kisses Whitney, and for once, by miracle sent from above, the color actually drains from Freddie’s face. He gets angry and looks like he might start jabbing people in the eyes with the bottle sparklers. This is why the Hamptons are Awful.
Lesson 8: Showing your boss you can do your job.
Don’t: Sputter nonsense in your meeting. Joe checks in with Olivia and Erin after the photo shoot and interviews. Olivia didn’t ask any of the right questions, and Joe is frustrated that she’ll have to do follow-up, which isn’t actually that big of a deal, but it’s scripted for Olivia to majorly fuck up this episode, so Joe gets pretty diva. Olivia can’t form coherent sentences because she doesn’t know how to talk or what words are.
Do: Acknowledge your fuck-up and offer to make the situation better. Olivia doesn’t say, “Oh I understand. I’ll do better next time.” She just tries to convince Joe and Erin (who had to conduct the interviews when Olivia left work early) that she knows how to do her job better than they do. But what can we expect from her? The extent of her reading probably begins and ends at the lip-gloss section at Sephora.
Lesson 9: Planning an exit from the Hamptons.
Don’t: Stick around for the pool. The girls wanted to go to a beach, anyway. Harry told Whitney at Lily Pond Scum that Freddie has a girlfriend. The next morning Whitney and Roxy are hiding in the bedroom while the boys are flopping around in the pool. So do they stay and enjoy the sun despite the douchey company or tell them off immediately and leave? Thank God they choose the latter.
Do: Make your hosts feel like douches They decide to approach Freddie about his rumored girlfriend right away. “Freddie, you and I aren’t speaking,” Roxy says. Whitney tells Freddie that Harry informed her he had a girlfriend. Freddie doesn’t deny it. “If you have a girlfriend, you can’t claim on Whitney,” Roxy says. “Now you guys are making me feel like a douche,” Freddie offers. And with their work complete, they get up, hop into the car, and go back to the city. Sadly, it looks like that might be the end of the Forever Tan Freddie Fackelmayer.