head for the hills

The Hills Are Alive With the Sound of Catfighting

Boring, boring, boring. Last night’s episode of The Hills was clearly filler, with no significant plot developments to speak of. Audrina continued to be bitter about Justin and Kristin, Heidi and Spencer remained marginal, and Stephanie’s face was still plumped full of creepy injectables. What happened to Holly’s drinking problem? Where is sexy Disney princess Jayde? Did Enzo finally land in jail for murder? It’s likelier the production staff ran up against a child-labor law dispute. So let’s just get right to it, okay? In the words of wordsmith Lo Bosworth: Totes McGoats.

First up, Audrina: She’s folding clothes at her apartment with Lo, who is “a sucker for blue-and-white stripes.” She really is a fascinating girl. We find out that after last week’s nonsense, Jayde and Brody are on a break, and that Heidi’s throwing herself a birthday party. Lo can’t go (why can’t we follow her life, instead? Pretty please?), but Audrina will make an appearance, even though she knows her nemesis Kristin will likely be there. “Whatever happens, happens,” says Aud. We somehow feel the same way about this show. Then Aud shows Lo a minidress that she had shortened enough to reveal full view of her crotch area. Classy.

Moving along to said birthday party, populated by Heidi’s blonde friends and Heidi’s outrageously permed blonde hair: Instead of babies, Spencer gives Heidi two very cute puppies, the second appearance of very cute puppies on The Hills in so many years. (We wonder how Lauren’s dog is doing? We liked that plotline.) Also at the party is a strange man — named Spencer! — who’s wearing a knife necklace and was obviously sent by Enzo to carry out his grand plan. (Do it, other-Spencer, do it!) Elsewhere at the soirée, Brody and Audrina have a heart-to-heart about Jayde (“Me and my lady are on the ropes,” says Brody, not looking very sad at all). Then, finally, Kristin and Audrina get down to business and have a heated discussion about the JB situation. This is how it goes down (warning, inanity to come):

Kristin: I just feel like there’s no reason for you and I to be ignoring each other. I would like to sit down and hash things out with you, but you blew me off.

Audrina: I don’t owe you anything, I don’t know you.

Kristin: He [Justin] said that “Audrina and I were never together,” and I’m sure that’s hard to hear, as a woman. [Ed: As a WOMAN?! REALLY?!?!?]

Audrina: I did meet him for drinks the other night … he said you two are never together, and that he never got over me.

Kristin: Okay, Audrina. I could give two fucks.

Audrina: Fuck you.

Later, the ladies must rehash the fight. Kristin chops a banana and Lo gets in the best line of the night — “I’m just tweeting, no big deal” — and we end with Kristin and Justin Bobby, who’s wearing a hat we’ve never seen before (seriously, that guy must single-handedly keep L.A.’s haberdashery industry intact). Kristin accuses JB of being with Audrina. “Can’t you just mellow out and take a nap?” he asks. Ha, awesome. We wrap the episode with a classic Justin Bobbyism: “I want to be able to trust people, and that’s where you and me get in our foul plays, because we don’t trust, and you have a batting average of strikes.” And with that nonsensical baseball metaphor, we look forward to next week, when maybe something will actually, like, happen. We’re not too hopeful.

And now, our Unequivocal Hills Reality Index:

As real as faux-preppy Lo’s weakness for sailor attire:
• Kristin actually seemed taken aback to learn that Audrina had seen Justin Bobby. We guess the producers kept that from her for the painful reaction shot.
• Justin Bobby’s hair is looking really good, as Kristin says on their date. That’s real.
• Kristin probably does have yogurt and fruit for breakfast every morning. People in California are healthy like that (we write this as we shamefully glance at our everything bagel with cream cheese).

As fake as Heidi and Spencer’s scripted married banter:
• We don’t think Lo likes any of these people. Just saying.
• Heidi obviously knew about the puppies before Spencer brought them out. That doesn’t take away from their cuteness, however. Run away, puppies! Before Spencer eats you.
• Audrina does her own laundry? Really?

The Hills Are Alive With the Sound of Catfighting