Last night Kell on Earth premiered on Bravo — and it was all we ever dreamed it would be and more! Kelly spouted off so many wise truths that certainly never would have crossed the minds of much of America. Such as when she gave brilliant new meaning to the word hooker, after Ashley Dupré prompted her to philosophize on what is a hooker, really? “We’re all hookers,” she tells Ashley. “Everyone’s hookers,” Ashley agrees. Kelly then says to the camera, “People are still so archaic. Who’s a hooker? Am I a hooker? Do I necessarily want to speak to my clients every day? No. Do I have to talk to them because they’re paying me money to give them good phone? Hell yeah.”
Yes! We are all hookers! We all spend all day answering to people and taking orders and doing things we wouldn’t otherwise do because they are paying us. And so everyone has a hooker inside of them. It’s one of the prominent personality traits displayed in Kell on Earth, where almost everyone gets yelled at for failing to accomplish the most seemingly innocuous of tasks, but continues to do it for the money and sometimes the glory.
What we can learn from Kelly is that everyone has a little bit of everything inside them. One day we might be hookers, one day we might be bitches, one day we might be crybabies. And so for our recap of Kell on Earth, we’ve identified the episode’s key players, according to Cutrone’s Hierarchy of Personality Traits: Hookers, Bitches, Egomaniacs, and Dolts.
• Ashley Dupré, well, for obvious reasons.
• Fashion Week showgoers. Kelly on bringing Ashley Dupré to Yigal Azrouël’s show, which resulted in him firing her: “I didn’t really think it would be such a big deal since half the people in a front row at a fashion show are sleeping with people for money — sometimes they’re just called their wives.”
• The Manicurist and Eyebrow Waxer, whom Kelly pays double for office calls so she can get her nails and eyebrows professionally done without leaving the building. It’s a damn awkward thing to do at work.
• Kelly’s new assistant, Andrew, whom she tries to set up by leaning out the window and shouting at a boy enjoying a cigarette break on a fire escape across the street. “She’s kind of my mom — she actually cares,” Andrew says. Cares … about making people feel awkward?
• Robyn, who lives on the fifth floor of the People’s Revolution building because her lease ran out, which partially explains (but does not excuse) why she runs around in gym clothes half the time. Yet this only puts her in a position to serve Kelly and The Cause better. Voluntary hookerdom!
• Andrew, whom Kelly tries to set up with the model he thought was hot from the David Delfin show. The model had a boyfriend, but Andrew suggested he get with them for a threesome.
• Kelly, who is trying to get Chado Ralph Rucci to “’explode’ this season. So we’re getting him the top reviewers and the biggest, most important people.” Oh, like Tavi?
• Robyn, who is like “Snow White with razor blades,” according to Kelly. “Sweet with a killer edge.” The woman can do some mean squat thrusts in the gym.
• Robyn, who asks Stephanie Vorhees to organize the showroom before David Delfin comes over. They don’t want to look like slobs with the clothes all pressing up against each other rather than perfectly spaced on the racks. Right? But wait — what does it mean to “organize the showroom” when it already looks fine? Amber doesn’t know because no one trained her, yet Robyn expects her to read minds and do everything perfectly. This was especially unfair since Robyn seemed to be making it all up as she went along. “Should we bring these clear chairs downstairs? They look retarded,” she said at one point.
• Kelly, who says she hires based on pure intuition, which suggests just how highly she thinks of her own instincts. She says she chose Andrew because she was so sick of all the blonde girls who wanted to work for her (ahem, Whitney Port). We took this to mean she knew the masculine, goth gay guy who sometimes wears skirts would be great on her new reality-TV show.
• Ashley Dupré, who wanted to crash Yigal’s Fashion Week show with an army of models wearing T-shirts that say “Yigal Loves Ashley.” This probably would have been great publicity for her, but Kelly talks her out of it because she doesn’t want her name dragged through the mud again. Ashley nods her head “Yes,” looking like a scared dumb bunny.
• Andrew, who wears a floor-length, black sequined dress to David Delfin’s show. “You are incapable of focusing on anything when I’m in your presence” is how he justifies his outfit choice. Not only does he look and sound ridiculous as all hell, he also sounds not that bright. The function he hopes to serve is the exact opposite of the function publicists are paid to serve. Rebel hooker, that one.
• People who assess their importance in the lives of others by where they sit at Fashion Week. Kelly explains that where you sit shows how much money you have and how important you are. “If you’re in rows one, two, and three you’re in the game.” No one else
• Kelly, who wore a T-shirt to work that said, “Die laughing.”
• Kelly’s 7-year-old daughter, who wants to go to a show one night, but doesn’t want to sit in the third row, much less dress up to sit in the third row.
• Robyn, who gets mad at
AmberStephanie Vorhees for organizing the showroom improperly, the idea being that it should look nice for David Delfin’s arrival. Yet she greets him in what appear to be her gym clothes: track pants and a tank top we’re pretty sure was from Old Navy. What?
• Backstage photographers at Fashion Week, one of whom Kelly kicks out for shooting the 15-year-old models changing.
• Stefanie is Kelly’s ex-assistant who has just been promoted, and has to do things that sound horrible, like make lists for Fashion Week. She looks exhausted, stressed, and sad constantly. She has no time to do makeup or hair or style herself in interesting, fun clothes. She sounds like a dolt, and maybe a liar, when she says, “This is the industry and the lifestyle that I always wanted to have.” Meanwhile, her replacement, Andrew, spends an hour putting leather bracelets and rings on before work. She’s repressing her resentment and we’re a little concerned.
• Andrew S. (not Kelly’s assistant, the other Andrew), the office pill-pusher.. He tries to offer Stefanie an Ativan when she’s caught up in Chado Ralph Rucci list drama. “Pharmaceuticals really help at People’s Revolution. If I offer her an Ativan she should just take it. It really helps,” he tells America. “I’m not a pill popper,” Stefanie protests. “You’re only a pill popper if you do it when you’re not stressed out. During Fashion Week it’s fine,” Andrew replies. If he wants to force drugs on people, he should at least do it outside or in the hallway — not in the middle of the office in the daytime.
• Andrew, when asked to complete the impossible task of checking the Chado Ralph Rucci RSVP box: “I’m an assistant; I don’t know what’s going on.”
• Stefanie, who says “I just feel like I’m a retard,” for supposedly screwing up the list for Chado Ralph Rucci. She sounds like a dope for getting so emotional over something as benign as a list with names and check marks on it.
• Whoever manages the People’s Revolution office for not having an IT guy handy when the computer system crashes and the printer won’t print. Kelly says, “Then I realize, ‘Oh, God, this is it. Something is brutally and terrifyingly wrong.’” Because clients getting their lists on time is a LIFE-OR-DEATH situation.