when kell freezes over

Kell on Earth Recap: Stephanie Vorhees Is No More

This week the top bitches at People’s Revolution (that would be Kelly, Robyn, and Emily) celebrated the end of New York Fashion Week by firing two staffers: the incessantly incompetent Stephanie Vorhees and some assistant named Elide whose crazy drunken friends stole alcohol from a People’s Revolution party for Alternative Apparel in the Hamptons. Therefore, predictably, bitches and egomaniacs won out in last night’s episode. But besides Kelly barking at seat crashers at a Henry Holland show in London, Emily and Robyn did most of the dirty work this hour.

We also got to see a lighter side of Kelly when she met up with her good-looking-for-his-age baby daddy in London and got giddy and started to blush when recounting their relationship to viewers and having him talk to “their daughter,” Ava, on the phone. (“People say, ‘Oh my God, you’re such a great couple … ” explains Kelly. So, what happened?) A detailed account of who whored themselves out for fashion fame and who played the office dunce this week lies below in our handy Kell on Earth Hierarchy of Personality Traits.

Kelly, Emily, and Robyn, for celebrating the end of New York Fashion Week with a much-needed out-of-office break that consists of checking BlackBerrys and avoiding eye contact. Honestly, it’s not that serious. Take a damn break. (Kelly: “It’s really weird that we must be seen as the power bitches who have no life. We are robotic drones to some piece of technology.” As she keeps thumbing along.)
Stephanie Vorhees, for being content with a paltry salary to work in slavelike conditions. And for what? That’s right: to eventually get fired. “I’m exhausted and overworked,” she says. “Everybody works their ass off at People’s Revolution. We’re a fashion sweatshop.” And that’s not sarcastic.
Elide, the soon-to-be-fired assistant who nods her head violently in agreement as Kelly explains to her that the superiors at People’s Rev have more right than she and the other underlings to be “healthy and happy.”
• Stephanie Vorhees, who whores herself out to Emily and Robyn while getting fired, spouting off the requisite I-Don’t-Want-To-Fuck-Up-My-Recommendation statement. “Thank you for the opportunity,” she says, after Robyn sums up her tenure at the company thusly: “All you’re doing is running around and not getting anything accomplished and making everyone completely miserable.”

Kelly, for telling the seemingly relaxed junior staffers, “I just want to make this really clear about seniority here. I see a lot of girls who are dressed pretty and running around and I see the senior team really, really struggling. And you seem real healthy and happy and we don’t. And it should be the other way around, frankly, in my book. You guys should be the tired ones and we should be going on our way to lunch. But that’s not what’s going on here.” We think showing them a picture of the young but sunken-eyed Skinner might have been a nice compliment.
Emily and Robyn, for openly contemplating firing assistant Elide while sitting at the same table with her.
Emily, for having a cruel smile on her face 80 percent of the time while firing Elide.
• Robyn, for walking Elide downstairs after firing here and asking, “Do you want me to help someone pack up your stuff?” so that the entire office can hear.
Stefanie Skinner, for doing a really geeky fist-pump dance after Stephanie Vorhees gets fired. Skinner, you’re turning into Kelly so fast it’s scaring us.
Stefanie Skinner, for laughing hysterically and saying “his bronzer’s running off his face!” when Andrew S. is having a legitimate breakdown and is wiping away tears. See above.

Kelly and Emily, for pathetically lamenting/bragging about how many unread e-mails are in their in-boxes: Kelly: “I have 757 unread messages.” Emily: “I have 1,131.” Couldn’t that just be a sign of not getting shit done?
Kelly, for having Skinner do the jobs of three people so she doesn’t have to hire another person, yet renting a private helicopter to fly her to the Alternative Apparel party in the Hamptons.
Kelly, for bringing her book’s co-author, Meredith Bryan, on the helicopter with her so that she can plug her book on-air.
Kelly, for wearing a ridiculous Indian headdress at the Alternative Apparel party. We get it, you’re the chief.
Andrew, Kelly’s assistant, for pulling the gay-superiority card over Andrew S. “We’re not really the same breed,” he says. “He’s just really gay and really tan and bubbly and flaming and has Britney Spears tattoos on him.” Because wearing an asymmetrical sequined gown isn’t flaming.
Kelly, for shouting out the labels on her wardrobe (“Burberry, Prada, Stella McCartney”) while having her broke assistants help her pack for London Fashion Week.

Stephanie Vorhees and Elide, for thinking that Kelly actually wanted them to have fun at a work event and drink Champagne without being judged. “There are trays of Champagne and mixed drinks and the only way to survive in this business is to not get taken down by those things,” Kelly says. “We bring staff members to service us. They are expected to hold their liquor, keep their dresses on, and make it through.”
Stephanie Vorhees, for sneaking upstairs to the showroom to call her parents at work and discuss her career — while she’s at work!
Andrew S., for having two Britney Spears–themed tattoos on both wrists, “Stronger than yesterday” and “Now it’s nothing but my way.” He explains, “I love her, I love the song, so I got it tattooed on me.” Wow.
Virginia, the hired and fired intern, for Twittering her whole interview process at People’s Revolution before even working one day.
Stefanie Skinner, for explaining that a Sex and the City episode inspired her to get into the industry: “In college I always watched Sex and the City, and there’s one episode when Sarah Jessica Parker’s in a fashion show and they cut to the director’s booth and someone’s calling the show and I knew that’s what I wanted to do. And now, slowly but surely, I’m making my way to that booth.” Talk about goals.
Andrew S., for acting like not hitting the tan booth in “four days!” is a sin. “Being tan, that’s the color of having health and happiness,” he says. Right. Also, sometimes, the color of skin cancer.

Kell on Earth Recap: Stephanie Vorhees Is No More