when kell freezes over

Kell on Earth Recap: Skinner Cries … But Not Outside

Last night on Kell on Earth, the People’s Revolution team wrapped up London Fashion Week with a Flintstone-themed Jeremy Scott show. Meanwhile, Stefanie Skinner and the two Andrews freaked out across the pond awaiting the senior staff’s return — and with good reason. With one less Stefanie to berate (reminder: Queen Dolt Stephanie Vorhees got fired last week), Emily takes her frustration out on Skinner every chance she gets and even causes her to cry … INDOORS! Kelly explains that they are bitches to Skinner because they want to empower her. “People think that I’m hard on Skinner,” she says. “I love Skinner a lot. And I’m trying to train Skinner to be a winner.”

In any case, Emily and Skinner hug it out after solving a conundrum involving lack of tequila at a tequila-sponsored party. But really all of this is pretty boring compared to the tales Kelly shares about the good ol’ days — the nineties, of course — while “writing” her book with co-author Meredith Bryan. “When I moved to New York I had no clue,” she reminisces. “I floated into New York City in 1987 in a red Toyota Corolla with a check from my father for $2,000, who cried his eyes out and said, ‘Are you kidding me? You will never live in that hellhole.’ But when I got there, I was honest and I worked hard. And one thing led to another and I got a job as an assistant at a PR company and the next thing you know, I’m walking Michael Jackson through the Palladium.” And the next thing we know, we get this wonderful reality show. Now off to the Hierarchy of Personality Traits!

• Kelly, for doling out overly gushy compliments about her client Jeremy Scott. “[He’s] an avant-garde designer who is also a great pop artist in his own right,” she says before also labeling him “badass,” “brave,” and “fun and powerful and theatrical; he’s entertaining and he’s a genius.” All of this while he sends a cutout tiger-print swimsuit down the runway with a tail attached.
• Cole, the green-haired Jeremy Scott model, who whips his hips around for Emily while imagining his sarong coming undone and his junk swinging back and forth on the runway.
• Kelly, for having the cameras follow her into the Babeland sex-toy shop, where she explains she’s buying the 47-year-old receptionist in her doctor’s office, who hasn’t had sex in nine-and-a-half years, her first vibrator. She also decides to get Andrew S. a tube of $28 lube. “I do a lot of kooky things just to try to keep the spirit going at People’s Revolution,” she says. “As a surprise, I’m getting Andrew a special little gift for his blind date.”
• Kelly, for trying to whore out Andrew M. to “some tank mustache stud” (his words) who they see riding a bike in front of their office. He ends up not being gay, but that’s after Kelly’s already invited him to come back to their office sometime to show her and Andrew his artwork (he also ends up being a musician, not an artist).

• Kelly, for yelling “Don’t you dare do that without my approval” at the Jeremy Scott lights guy in front of everyone involved with the show. “It’s my job to sit there and basically bang him over the head into submission to do what I want. Because it’s the designer’s show, it’s not the light-guy show.” Although we’re pretty sure Scott hired the lights guy just like he hired People’s Rev, and by “the designer’s show,” we’re pretty sure Kelly really means “my show!”
• Robin, the soulless slave master, who screams to Skinner, “Can I have that list that I sent to you???” while Skinner is telling Kelly (who is helping her prioritize) the exhaustive list of things she has to do. Even Kelly has to call Robin out on it.
• Emily, basically every time she talks to Skinner. Example: Emily: “It’s just like get it done. I don’t get what the delay is with everything.” Skinner: “The delay is that it’s one person working on everything.” Emily: “I need you to look at me and not look at your computer right now.” No wonder she gets nothing done!

• Kelly, for wearing some awful eagle-printed tee to the Jeremy Scott show. And:
• Andrew M. for wearing horrendous red pleat-front printed shorts over below-the-knee bike shorts and a black vest over a grubby white tank top. That shit takes balls.
• Kelly, who uses her gig as a consultant to the British Fashion Counsel to rip apart a young designer’s collection, which she previously says is awesome. “These don’t make any sense with the rest of what you’re doing,” she says while clearing away all of the jewelry the designer has set out. “A collection is like a sentence. It’s not a life story. These don’t make sense in your story [snatches up the bangles]. Don’t do sh— you can get on the street for five bucks.” Emily calls the scene “embarrassing.”
• Kelly, when describing her life in New York circa 1991. “The only thing I had to do was work and party. This was the last part of the last great club world. We woke up, we worked, we all went to dinner and we all went clubbing till 3 or 4 in the morning, every night. We were young, we were rich, we were shallow, we were skinny, we were pretty, we were powerful, we were well-connected.” And now?
• Kelly and her assistant Andrew M., for crashing Andrew S.’s first date in a year and a half. “Andrew and I were thinking of what we could do to entertain ourselves, which was to crash Serrano’s date,” explains Kelly. “I don’t think he thought it was so funny. But we didn’t really care what he thought anyway.” Then she got miffed when Andrew S. and date didn’t ask about how her day was.
• Kelly: “We meet everybody’s dates at People’s Revolution. We do the stuff brothers and fathers used to do but don’t seem to do anymore. We make that pretty clear to all of the love interests at People’s Revolution, that we are looking out for them. And if these people play tricks on any of our kids, they are in trouble.” Fashion Mafia, much?
• Kelly, for stating the obvious to Skinner. “I just want to say that I’m the most important person in this company and what I need should be a priority.” Um, yep. Got that part already.
• Kelly, when she explains how huge it is that she got Mary Ellen Mark to shoot her book cover. “One of the most important living photographers in the world agreed to shoot my book cover. It’s kind of like going to Rembrandt and saying ‘Could you help me paint my bedroom?’” Although Rembrandt never painted bedrooms and Mark’s thing is actually shooting portraits.

• Andrew S., who admits to Skinner, “The thing is … we don’t know what the fuck we’re doing. You don’t know these accounts. We’re both, like, blindly doing this stuff.” He should probably not say that out loud.
• Skinner, for having a “meltdown into [a] puddle of Skinner” (Andrew M.’s words) and crying in the office, thereby ignoring Rule No. 1: If you have to cry, GO OUTSIDE!
• Andrew S., for trying to get laid on his blind date by playing a stupid icebreaker word-association game. It goes a little something like this: ”Sunglasses … beach. Fork … spork. Banana … sexual-education class. Dildo … wood. Lube …(awkward silence).” He then complains, “It went from like normal talk to sexual. I don’t know how that happened, but that’s life.”
• Kelly, for having her own reality show when she readily admits the following: “I don’t normally photograph well. We all know that. I don’t look good on camera. I don’t look good on television. And I make no effort to look good, either.” Then again, that’s half the reason we tune in!

Kell on Earth Recap: Skinner Cries … But Not Outside