On last night’s episode of Kell on Earth, we finally go deeper with one of our favorite worker bees, Stephanie Skinner. We get to see her $1,550 shoebox of a ground-floor downtown studio, which she accurately compares to the size of Kelly’s spoiled assistant Andrew’s closet. We also meet her cute hipster boyfriend, Alano. Supposedly the two met while Skinner was on a date with her previous boyfriend and she saw Alano across the room and slipped him her number written in eyeliner. Unfortunately, Skinner doesn’t know how to maintain a relationship as well as she knows how to juggle three jobs at once, and she and Alano are over by the end of the episode.
Meanwhile, the adults at People’s Revolution get mad when flaky clients don’t pay on time, and Kelly heads to her former home of L.A. to chill out, dance around in awesomely awkward fashion, and reminisce about her rock-star past (um, she says she had a record deal with Atlantic. Blank stare).
Back in New York, Robyn hires a girl to replace Stephanie Vorhees and Andrew Serrano, who demands a $70K salary. She then turns into front-page news after getting caught stealing $97,000 worth of jewelry from her former employer.
And yet, after finding all of that out, we’d probably still rather work with the thief than the perpetual Kell on Earth guest star George Wayne. Understand why in this week’s Hierarchy of Personality Traits.
HOOKERS
• Andrew, for saying the following when he walks into a doughnut shop with Skinner: “I can’t believe these doughnuts. They make me think of, like, dick. Like, stacking them on my dick. It’s something you eat with a hole in the middle and it’s practically the same size and width of a dick. It’s ring toss.” In other words, Andrew is expertly complying with hooker rule No. 15: Be creative with your surroundings and all things edible.
• Skinner, when explaining how the relationship between her and fellow People’s Rev hooker Andrew works: “I give him advice all the time on how to be a better worker and he gives me, like, life advice,” and sometimes that life advice includes asking Skinner to wear a spiked dominatrix collar around her head.
• Andrew, for suggesting that the other overworked PR prostitutes clocking in sixteen-hour workdays should make the most of it. “If we’re not having fun at work, we’re pretty much never having fun,” he reasons.
• Robyn, for being excited that new hire Grace is down with “making it more of a lifestyle than just a job.”
BITCHES
• George Wayne, the pretty much inaudible Vanity Fair editor, for using his relationship with Kelly to ask for a “favor” from the entire People’s Rev team. He wants them to plan him a party — with everything from fine décor to an RSVP list — in less than a week. Doesn’t Vanity Fair have its own PR department for this sort of thing?
• George Wayne, for then snapping at lifestyle director Michelle for fiddling with her BlackBerry — i.e., e-mailing the Mayor’s Office about his silly party — during his meeting. “Miss PDA — Hello!” he snaps. “He’s the most obnoxious, disgusting person I’ve ever met in my life. Ever,” says Michelle.
• Kelly, since we’re sure she told George it was fine to set up a meeting with her overwhelmed staff to oblige his “favor” without her involvement at all.
• Skinner, for being a horrible girlfriend to her very well-tressed boyfriend, Alano, and paying more attention to her BlackBerry than to him on their rare night out. To add to the mess, she invites her colleague Emily to join them. We can’t really feel sorry for Skinner for working all of the time when it seems to be her preference.
• Emily, for having no real problem crashing Skinner’s date and for ordering a full plate of food so that Skinner and Alano — who are probably close to finishing their drinks — have to wait for her to finish.
EGOMANIACS
• Kelly, for making it a part of Skinner’s job to send her mother checks every month since, you know, Kelly balls like that and makes it clear to viewers (and everyone in her office) that she pays her mother’s rent and phone bill.
• Kelly, for fondly reminiscing about once meditating while conducting a job interview.
• Robyn, for wearing workout clothes and an Adidas sweatband around her head while interviewing a candidate for the vacant account-executive position. Because nothing says take me, my company, and this job seriously like a terrycloth head ornament.
• And Kelly, for barging in during said interview — also in possibly-came-from-the-gym garb — and asking Robyn about a random box full of headbands. Rude enough? Although we guess previewing such a power trip in an interview is good prep for how things would run should you actually get the job.
• Kelly, for holding up a handmade sign reading “Fuck You, Pay for Advice,” after a relative of one of her daughter’s school friends calls and asks her for some industry perspective. We totally agree with her not taking the call and handing it off to Andrew, but the sign, along with the subsequent bragging (“I get paid to talk!”) sent our eyes skyward. Even if her statements are true.
• Kelly, for calling Justine Bateman her “bestie.” Enough with the super-random name dropping, already!
• Kelly, for getting pissed at Skinner for actually having the task of cleaning up the second floor under control and having no problem with the new girl Grace going home in the early evening. “We all stay together ‘till the end,” Kelly says tersely of the house rule. But when sticking together actually slows shit down because you have to explain to the new girl how to do everything … perhaps it’s better to fly solo, no?
• Kelly, for getting slightly annoyed that Skinner hasn’t told her about breaking up with Alano. “Why haven’t you called me to talk about this in private?” asks Kelly, right after asking Skinner for a relationship update by screaming across the office. Also: for smiling while Skinner tells her about the breakup.
DOLTS
• George Wayne, for wanting to throw a party without any idea what his budget is. Then trying to make up for the lack of budget with this: “It’s just, like, fun. A nice, great little evening.” Oh yeah, and he wants cool famous people. A lot of them. In four days.
• Skinner, for saying the following with a smile on her face: “I probably spend more time with Andrew than I do with Alano.” That’s not funny, Skinner! It’s pathetic. And so is that high-five you gave Alano in lieu of a good-bye kiss. Andrew is not going to keep you warm at night, Skinner — you’re not a doughnut.
• Kelly, for saying the following to somehow entice a potential employee to work for People’s Revolution. “It’s a very bizarre place to work. People thrive or they don’t. It’s not for everybody. If you like noise and engagement and a lot of creativity, chaos, and collaboration [Ed note: or just noise and chaos … ], it’s an amazing place to work. It’s kind of like an office of the future.” And if that last bit is true, we are suddenly very, very depressed.
• New girl Grace leaving before her superior Emily tells her to. Yes, it might be well into the evening, but Grace, we know you know better than to challenge tried-and-true face-time office bullshit.
• Kelly, for going gangster and rapping on camera when answering a call from her friend Rick Ross. “What up homeboy?! I’m down for the deal like a Remington Steele. I’m feeling it hard, I’m feeling it cold, I’m Kelly Cutrone and I’m not even looking old.” At first we thought Rick Ross the actual rapper from Miami was on the phone and we felt super embarrassed for Kelly and a bit offended for Ross. Then we found out it’s another Rick Ross — a white guy who wears sunglasses indoors. And then we were embarrassed for both of them.
