Last night’s episode of Kell on Earth was 90 percent drama and 10 percent fashion-industry work, but that’s what fashion, as a whole, is all about, no? The hour was filled with shocking revelations about the staff, some of which we actually wish we didn’t know. Fact 1: Kelly’s assistant, the neo-gothic Andrew M., is actually a trust-fund brat who doesn’t really care about his current gig because he doesn’t need the money and wants to be a designer like his idol Rick Owens, instead of a PR drone. Therefore, he does reckless things like leave the office on Friday before 9 p.m. in order to throw an Addams Family–themed dinner party at his apartment. Also, he orders twenty boxes of printer paper and only two boxes of toilet paper all at one time, which causes Andrew S. to shriek, “We’re going to be wiping our asses with printer paper!” It also pisses Kelly off because it’s, like, $500 out of her pocket at one time (although it’s unclear whether that is so much worse than $500 over a span of a few months). Alas, she loves him anyway and continues to be so much nicer to him than to the other staffers.
Fact 2: Robyn likes to play the field and is content dating “a couple” guys at once, but not forcing anything serious. She’s also content having Kelly serve as a pimplike figure who rounds up straggly skater dudes and waiters for her. When said straggly skater dude makes an appearance at the office, Robyn’s assistant, Andrew S., is disgusted. And perhaps that event, combined with the fact that Robyn is always horrible to him and Kelly gives him a hard time about taking a few days off to attend a wedding in California, drives him over the edge, bitch-slapping the entire staff by resigning while on vacation. The best parts of his resignation are the hilarious slow-motion highlights of Andrew S.’s tenure at People’s Rev. So, who else was a bitch? Find out with our handy Hierarchy of Personality Traits!
• Andrew M., for making People’s Revolution feel like a brothel when he answers Kelly’s phone suggestively. “I know, it’s like a porno line. “Kelly Cutrone’s office,” he says in a thick movie voice-over voice, making Skinner giggle.
• Kelly, for using every moment she’s out of the office to catcall random men on the street in order to get members of her staff laid. The latest incident happens in front of What Comes Around Goes Around, where she snags Robyn the aforementioned straggly skater who wears a silver band on his left finger and says it’s because he used to be engaged.
• Kelly, for saying what all wise hookers think: “What makes for a great client? A great client is someone who pays on time and actually says thank you.”
• Random staffer Michelle, for letting Kelly’s daughter Ava walk around the office in over-the-knee boots. Apparently, the training starts young at People’s Rev.
• Kelly, for manipulating her assistant Andrew M. by saying she loves him. That’s an old pimp move, Andrew, don’t fall for it.
• Skinner, for giving Andrew S. advice fit for a prostitute: “You kind of have to learn to let the comments roll off your back. Because that’s the only way you’re going to get through doing your job and making sure you’re not f—ing up.”
• Robyn, for being relatively sweet to everyone in the office except for her assistant, Andrew S., to whom she gives permanent stank face and speaks patronizingly loudly and slowly. As. If. Periods. Belong. At. The. End. Of. Every. Word.
• Kelly, for giving Skinner this bizarre pep talk: “You’re not going to be helpful to anybody when you [bleep]ing burn out and you spin out, tell everybody to [bleep] off and you walk out of the office. And you’re one of the most important people here.”
• Andrew M., for telling Andrew S.: “Hopefully they’ll fire you while you’re away. Wouldn’t that be nice?” as a way of saying good-bye before Andrew S. leaves on his guilt-ridden vacation.
• Skinner and Michelle, for being super-late to Andrew M’s Addams Family–themed dinner party when he asked everyone to be there at 9 p.m. sharp. Skinner’s excuse? “I couldn’t leave until the weekly reports were done. I mean, what am I supposed to do, bring my laptop to dinner?” No, Skinner, you act like a person with a life — even if your primary engagement IS an Addams Family–themed awkward fest — and leave work earlier than 10 p.m. on a Friday. Finish the reports on the weekend.
• Andrew S., for quitting while on vacation, thus heaping his pile of work on the already overworked staff. Although we think Robyn and the gang had it coming, and don’t blame him one bit.
• Robyn, for being so insensitive about her assistant quitting: “To me it was annoying and unprofessional. The whole idea of having to train somebody kind of just makes things a little more complicated for me.”
• Andrew M., who we find out is from a wealthy family in Scarsdale, but dresses like he’s a fancy bag lady. He explains his past: “I’m a very fortunate kid, but I still worked when I was in college because I was bored, because I had tons of free time. And I didn’t need that money, they knew I didn’t need that money.”
• Robyn, for laughing while explaining why there are hardly any people at the staff meeting: “That’s because we’ve fired every single person who works here.” What a great way to boost team morale while feeling empowered!
• Kelly, for not-so-subtly trying to make famed milliner Stephen Jones give one of his pricey hats to Andrew M.
• Also, Andrew M. for acting like Stephen Jones should give away his black felt “Prince of Darkness” because, though he’s just a kid, he happens to be Kelly Cutrone’s assistant. “I was just dropping hints like, do you want to give me a discount on this crown? Do you want to send me a free crown?” he says, like the spoiled person he really is.
• Andrew M., for bragging to his friends about the gaudy Versace Atelier chair he just had to get for his huge bedroom, which looks bigger than Emily’s entire apartment.
• Kelly, who tells Andre M. she can get him a gig with his idol Rick Owens. “I could probably get you a job working for him if you really wanted to,” she says. “If you give me a solid eight months of your time.” And then those eight months turn into a year and then a year turns into two years … and then Rick Owens doesn’t care about Kelly Cutrone’s recommendation. Don’t fall for it, Andrew!
• Kelly, for basically telling Stephen Jones that she can easily get Michelle Obama to wear one of his hats, after he states that it is one of his goals. “Do you know Desirée Rodgers, her press secretary?” asks Kelly. “She’s the person to contact. I’ll give you my e-mail and my number. You can call me. I’d be happy to share.” Right … sooooo many People’s Revolution clients have been worn by Michelle Obama.
• Kelly, for making male waiters feel uncomfortable by berating them with a list of personal questions in front of her colleagues: “Ass or boob man?” “Big boobs or small boobs?” How about: Is the awkwardness worth the power trip?
• Andrew M., for noticing the office was almost out of paper in the morning, yet waiting until 5 p.m. to ask an intern to do something about it.
• Andrew M., for playing dumb when he’s supposed to be in charge of the Xeniya (no, we hadn’t heard of that label until last night, either) shoot. “I don’t have a call sheet. What do I do about it?” he asks a frustrated Skinner. Seriously, Andrew?
• Andrew S., for working a job (which he eventually quits) for slave wages. “When Robyn gets frustrated with me, that like makes me frustrated,” he says. “I’m saying why I am even here? You’re paying me like $15,000 to do the job of somebody that should be getting paid like $60,000.” Wait — $15,000? You know you’re in a bad way when your salary pales to even Condé Nast assistants.