Last week, Vogue.com published a lengthy piece about acceptable manners for houseguests during summer weekend getaways. And thank goodness they did! There were some indispensable tips in there, without which we’d have gravely offended our friends over the weekend. Like, “Don’t, while flying to your weekend destination on a friend’s plane, discuss aviation safety and any forecasts for stormy weather.” Also:
Don’t outshine your hostess in any way, whether it is what you wear, your jewelry, or how you look in a bathing suit — and always have a cover-up handy, especially when you find yourself alone by the pool with the man of the house. Last, but not least, be measured with the names and places you reference in conversation. For instance, avoid any sentence that begins with: “Last summer, when I was on Charlotte Casiraghi’s boat … ”
We wanted to make a few addendums to their instructions, based on our personal houseguest experiences. Here they are.
— DO accept when your host offers to sleep on the couch so you can have her bed. It’s rude to be argumentative.
— DON’T judge your host when she then boots you out of her bed and back onto the couch because she brings home a random guy from the Surf Lodge.
— DON’T hesitate to take home leftover pie. Better yet, just eat the last slice at the table. Pastry doesn’t keep well.
— DON’T be bashful about getting ass naked in your friend’s outdoor shower, even if the neighbors can definitely see you. It’s not like they’re going to take pictures, and even if they are, they don’t know your name.
— DO bring wine with a twist-off cap. You want your host to provide plenty of alcohol with minimum effort on her part.
— DON’T complain about the awful, smelly bus ride you took to your host’s house, unless it involves an unbelievably hilarious story about a fist-fight, a hit-and-run, and/or a disturbingly flirtatious seatmate wearing a wedding ring.
— DO take whatever measures necessary to survive said smelly bus ride, including smuggling alcohol onboard, hoarding overhead luggage space, and shamelessly reading everything your seatmate types on his laptop.
— DON’T feel bad about using your hostess’s Frederick Fekkai hair products. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
— DO help yourself to things in the fridge. Your host doesn’t want you to be hungry.
— DO bring flowers, no matter what Vogue says. Everybody loves flowers!
— DON’T feel bad about taking naps. It’s the weekend, for chrissakes.
— DON’T feel bad about looking better than your hostess in a bikini. That’s just silly.