In the wake of today’s exciting news that H&M will display ten-foot statues of David Beckham in his underwear around New York, London, and other major cities, we received a (ahem) package in the mail. (Sorry, couldn’t be helped.) Said parcel contained a miniature version of the very David statue that will soon take up residence on a sidewalk near you. Thrilled as we are with this gift, which is now sitting ten inches away from the very keyboard where these words are typed, we noted a few disappointing discrepancies between the real Beckham and the statue Beckham. Admittedly, it’s basically impossible to improve upon this man, but this replica really doesn’t do him justice. Note our comparisons below.
• The Beckham statue’s head seems tiny in relation to the rest of his body: Based on a cursory measurement involving the distance between my pointer finger knuckles, we’re looking at a 1:10 ratio. However, if we’re going by Bernini’s preferred proportions (which is only fair), that’s actually the goal.
• The real Beckham has way better abs, larger pectorals, and much more muscle definition overall. In fact, the statue is rather scrawny-looking.
• Beckham the man pulls off Tintin hair better than Tintin himself, because he looks good in just about anything, but the swoosh bangs aren’t working on the statue version.
• Basically, the statue version doesn’t look like David Beckham at all. Cut staffers have agreed it more closely resembles Neil Patrick Harris, Seth Meyers, or an elongated Spencer Pratt. Feel free to draw your own conclusions.
Anyway, despite our qualms, any statue of a nearly nude man is always welcome at The Cut headquarters, and this one will stand proudly atop our cubicle wall for the time being.