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Is It Okay to Hate Foodies? Ask Google

Photo: Gluekit

Welcome back to Ask Google, the advice column that solves your emotional problems with the device you use for driving directions and finding pictures of Lindsay Lohan’s sideboob.

Is it wrong to let a guy go down on me, knowing that I have no intention to return the favor? And if not, what the hell am I supposed to do — say, “Stop right there, I hate sucking dick,” when it hasn’t even come up yet?

Obviously, that this is a matter of contract law. Culturally, a quid pro quo for oral sex has been established. This implied oral contract is not negated by the absence of an oral oral contract. Googling “basic contract law of oral sex,” however, doesn’t provide me anything to help you with this, though perhaps some readers would be interested in the fourth result, “Florida bestiality law does not ban oral sex with animals.” Don’t say this column isn’t informative.

So you’re feeling guilty about giving an IOU you have no intention of honoring. How do you assuage this guilt? Google, its robot mind forever in the aggregated gutter, once again tries to steer us into bestiality, offering advice on overcoming guilt caused by “sexual experimentation with dog” (“feel guilty about not doing oral,” fourth result).

But maybe it’s onto something here: The best advice in that thread to end guilt over “sexual experimentation with dog” is to stop having “sexual experimentation with dog.” Likewise, you should quit letting oral sex happen in the first place.

In actual baseball, men on second base are in “scoring position” because a player can often make it to home plate from there without stopping at third base. You don’t need to pause and explain your feelings on oral sex or feel guilty about it later if you keep mum. Just don’t let your partner stop at third base; when he gets over there, wave him on home.

My friends seem to spend all their time gabbing about an amazing new pho joint or Instagramming a bowl of this amazing bouillabaisse they just cooked. I, on the other hand, enjoy joining them for a good meal, but am perfectly happy eating whatever is simple and quick. Can’t I just eat food without appreciating it as an art form? Do I need to pay attention to food?

“I want to be a foodie” gives you a whopping 37,500,000 results on Google. “Foodies are full of shit” returns just 1,620,000 results. So yes, Google would vote that there’s something to this food thing.

But should you appreciate food as you would a masterpiece on canvas, stage, or film? Great art is supposed to stand the test of time, but food is by its nature ephemeral. Except maybe Twinkies.

Opinions vary, but Google shows most people wouldn’t eat meat if it’s been left out at room temperature for more than ten hours (“safe to eat cooked steak left out overnight,” third result) even if that meat happens to be a perfectly cooked filet mignon in white truffle oil. Here Comes Honey Boo Boo has lasted longer on the air than that steak was appetizing.

You don’t need to cease going to the opera and start hunting down buzz-worthy offal tacos sold by some guy in a secret back-alley garden shed if it doesn’t appeal to you. Be polite to your friends, but know that even the best food in the world is soon literally shit.

A lot of people have trouble making long-distance relationships work, but my problem is that I’m too good at them. I’ve found myself in two different relationships that quickly became long-distance due to circumstance. Both relationships came to span years, but in each case, I eventually discovered something about the guy that made us incompatible that I would have found out many months earlier if we had spent our time together in person. If this happens again, is there a way to speed up long-distance relationships so they move along at the same pace as a regular one?

Google takes us to something called Single Dad House, “an online hangout for divorced fathers” (“long-distance relationship pace,” second result). According an article inside this cool dad zone, long-distance relationships are, almost paradoxically, “a plus if you’re not intent on becoming serious.”

Why? “When you’re dating a woman who lives nearby, you lose much of your freedom,” the (twice divorced) author explains. Women, you see, want to do stuff together. When you live in the same city, “you’re obligated to meet up for spur-of-the-moment lunches and dinners” with them. Women are disgusting creatures. 

It’s unclear from your query if you found yourself in relationships with cool single dads like this guy, but in any case, there was a disconnect between you and your partners, either in your differing expectations for the relationship (like this guy and his ladies), or in emotions or beliefs or quirks obfuscated by distance. Maybe better communication could have prevented that.

Communication is important to any relationship, and probably even more vital to one that’s long distance. As our single dad pal writes, “Distance isn’t the hindrance to communication that it used to be. With email, instant messaging, texting, cheap cell phone minutes and Skype (I haven’t learned how to do that yet) you can be in almost constant contact with your girlfriend. If you choose.”

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Is It Okay to Hate Foodies? Ask Google